Teen: Excuse me officer, do you guys still do that thing where you get a grand for turning in people with guns?
Cop: Yeah, if they are arrested and are in possession of illegal firearms.
Teen: So, is that like a grand per head kinda deal?
Officer: I don't think so, no.
Teen: Oh…I don't know shit. (walks away)
–Columbus Circle Station
Overheard by: Graham Davis
College girl #1: So I think I’ll just get the whole thing waxed, so that the next time I go, it just won’t hurt that much.
College girl #2: I don’t get it.
College girl #1: Like, I’ll be hairy the first time, so it will hurt, and then when I go back, I’ll be like: “Oh, that wasn’t as painful as the first time.”
College girl #2: Shit, shut up! You’re so loud! Now that guy knows you have a hairy vagina.
–Union Square Train Station
Overheard by: the trainman
Five-year-old son: I’m mad at you.
Mom: Why honey?
Five-year-old son: Because you wouldn’t buy me an umbrella!
Mom: You never asked for one!
–Times Square Shuttle
Overheard by: Heather
20-something girl: Today I saw the cutest rat, it was just sitting there cleaning itself.
20-something guy: No way! I saw a cute rat today too. When I came to New York I thought that all the rats would be huge with glowing eyes and sharp fangs, but I kind of wanted to keep it… Look! I even wrote it down. (gets out notebook) Saw first rat today, it was surprisingly cute.
–4 Train Station
(random guy trips over three-year-old girl’s stroller)
Guy: Oops, I’m sorry, honey.
Three-year-old girl in stroller: Don’t call me honey!
–Atlantic Ave Station
Overheard by: Michael
Gay thug: I better be able to attend the motherfuckin’ flower show or I’m going to hit someone.
–1 Train
Thug: Man, he told us not to add more sugar but we put more sugar in that sauce. Shit was panty-droppin, son.
–Deli, 21st St & 6th Ave
Overheard by: Ryn
Thug, in high-pitched voice and flailing arms, while running across the street in front of oncoming UPS truck: Aaaah! Aaaah! Aaaah!
–45th St & 8th Ave
Thug, to friend: That shit done tore my heart!
–N Train
Puerto Rican thug: Au revoir, here is my choo-choo train.
–F Train Platform
Overheard by: Garuda
Girl to friend: That’s because my heart is filled with hate and yours is filled with kittens.
–Something Else, Park Slope
Overheard by: jayloo
White guy: Well, if Kate* was my soulmate I wouldn’t hate having sex with her so much.
–W 57th & 11th
Well-dressed man to self, after making meowing noises: I hate my ex, I hate that fucking bitch! I’m going to stick a tennis ball in her muffler!
–Bleecker & Broadway
Teen girl to friends: And she, like, gave me an 88%. I can’t fucking believe her! I can’t even hate her, right? If she’d just failed me like usual, I could hate her. But she gave me a freaking 88%.
–Astoria-Bound N Train
Overheard by: Ben
Sad 30-something: My boyfriend’s mother hates me. She hates me because I’m out of work … And I shoot up in her house.
–7th Ave & 9th street, Park Slope
Drunk angry girl on cell: Answer the damn phone, you bastard! Answer the phone! I hate you! I love you! Call me.
–Port Washington Train
Asian guy to girlfriend: That’s the best part about being in a relationship.
White girlfriend: Sandwiches?
Asian guy: Always having an extra pair of hands.
–49th St Station
Overheard by: missalicious
Guy: See you!
Girl: See you!
Guy: I love you!
Girl: You are killing me.
Guy: I ought to kill you.
Girl: What?!
–34th Street Station, B Line
Girl on cell: You ate breakfast? You animal!
–2 Train Platform, Wall Street
Overheard by: Gin in Tonic
Angry guy on cell: She’s a chef! Of course she makes bad decisions… like deciding to be a chef!
–Downtown 1 Train
Overheard by: Withnail
Buddy Holly glasses guy: Oh, I want food so much more than I want women right now.
–First Saturday, Brooklyn Museum
Suit: I’m going to order some mashed potatoes, with a side order of pussy.
–In front of Macy’s, Herald Square
Overheard by: sometimesdee
Middle-aged jewish lady to other: So she asks me if she can come over for supper and I said I don’t know how to work the stove!
–Avenue J & E 12th Street, Brooklyn
Overheard by: Robert
Surprised teen: She fondled my pancakes. She’s a pancake fondler!
–34th St
Overheard by: Chloe
