Wednesday One-Liners

Wednesday One-Liners, Literally

Man on cell, authoritatively: Ejaculate!

–14th b/w 3rd & 4th

Mother to curious little girl reaching out to touch Wall Street bull's testicles: No! (yanks her away)

–Bowling Green

Woman shouting across a grassy field: Slutbots!

–McCarren Park, Brooklyn

(intercom beeps 10 times)
Train conductor, over intercom: Shit.
(intercom continues to beep)

–Hudson Line Train

Man on bike speeding along Brooklyn Bridge walkway: Pussyhoooollleeeeee!

–Brooklyn Bridge

Quiet, older gentleman sipping coffee, leafing through newspaper: Motherfuckers!

–Barnes & Noble Coffee Bar, Broadway

Overheard by: Suze V

Wednesday One-Liners Use the Socratic Method

Columbia grad student: …developing a really spectacular
sense of intellectual arrogance.

–Columbia University

Professor, receiving text message in class: Ooh. That’s interesting. Invitation to go dancing, not from my girlfriend. Thank God I’ve got permission… We’re never going to get to anything today, are we? I’m so bad at this…

–Tisch School of the Arts, NYU

Overheard by: Matthew K Johnson

Chinese professor: You see Chinese like tofu, you never use it.

–John Jay College

Overheard by: soccerking3t

Teen guy: So I ended up in a dress. I don’t think English class will ever be the same.

–Stuyvesant High School

Overheard by: Natasha

Sadistic professor: Unfortunately we don’t flog people anymore. You usually pass out after you finish screaming.

–Fordham, the Bronx

Overheard by: Jess McGins

Drunken pre-med to drunken boy teetering on a concrete railing: Reed, if you fall, I’m not a doctor yet!

–West Village, 8th & 14th

Overheard by: annie

NYU girl to professor: So, if you’re sleeping with Nietzsche, you shouldn’t ask the question, "What are you thinking?"

–NYU classroom, Mercer & Houston

A Home is a Terrible Thing to Waste

Hobo: ‘Scuse me. You wanna give a quarter to the United Negro Pizza Fund?

–44th & 8th

Hobo: Listen, girls, do you care to donate to the United Negro Pastrami Sandwich Fund?

–Bowery between 3rd & 4th

Hobo: Would you like to donate to the United Negro Pizza Fund?

–82nd & Amsterdam

Overheard by: Leigh

Hobo: Can you offer a contribution to the United Negro I Didn’t Go to College Fund?

–60th & Columbus

Wednesday One-liners Are the New Lavender

Crazy guy: Why did the dinosaurs go extinct? Why did the dinosaurs go extinct? Why did the dinosaurs go extinct? Homosexuality! Heh heh heh.

–53rd Street station

Guy on cell: No, I’m waiting for the ferry…No, not him; the boat that goes into the city.

–Staten Island Ferry Terminal, Staten Island

Overheard by: Chris Cotterman

Girl: She said she wasn’t attracted to me! I mean, I’m straight as a goat, but…am I ugly?

–R train

Overheard by: Shannon Bowman-Sarkisian

Middle-aged guy: You know, somebody needs to tell gay men that they’re not 17 year old girls.

–David Barton Gym, 23rd Street

Queer: For God’s sake, be creative. We’re gay!

–West Elm, 18th Street

Woman on cell: It’s really gay outside right now.

–Bowery & 4th

Dude: I thought I saw Matt Damon; then I realized it was just a gay guy.

–Barrow Street

Crazy guy: And what do gay people do with the money they save on child support? The parade! They pay for the parade.

–53rd Street station

The JDating Of Wednesday One-Liners

JAP girl on line: Why would I be boogieing at temple?

–H&M

Overheard by: Sandjiggie

Redhead JAP: It's too bright, I can't hear you…

–41st & 3rd

JAP: Is saving the whales still, like, a thing?

–F Train

20-something JAP on cell: I mean: I don't want to say that I live in a bubble, but the only people I've spoken to in the last week and a half are you and my doorman.

–42nd St & Lexington

Overheard by: Pete

Scarlett Johansson's Wearing Wednesday One-Liners This Season

(Asian tourist walks onto subway with large panda-head shaped hat)
Random guy: Take off that silly ass hat!

–Uptown 1 Train

Guy: When I wear my other coat, I look like a yak.

–Mott St

Overheard by: robin

Thug to friend: I totally know fashion designers. I know who Hill-finger is.

–Thompson Street, SoHo

Drunk guy to orthodox Jew: Nice lid.

–Near Herald Square

Guy walking out of subway: Then she came in and told me to put the mask on.

–6 Train

Overheard by: Sarah

History teacher to class: Now, if you want a decent straw hat, do not make one.

–Millennium High School

Overheard by: Adriana

Wednesday One-Liners Thought “Elemeno” Was a Letter

Lady on cell: Yes, that’s right. N as in ‘Nancy,’ M as in ‘umbrella’…

–Brooklyn Botanic Garden

Conductor: This is a downtown V train — V as in ‘vasectomy.’

–5th Ave

Overheard by: Kim

MTA announcement: The next train is a Brooklyn-bound C train. C as in ‘Shelly.’

–59th St station

Overheard by: Trey Givens

Loud man on cell: No, no, her name starts with an F… No, F… F like in ‘phonics’! What? It doesn’t? Oh, well, I guess you could spell it that way, too.

–L train

Loudspeaker: This is the B-as-in-‘badass’ train. Transfer to the D and Four.

–Yankee Stadium station

Ghetto girl on cell: C… No! C — like the last letter in ‘New York.’

–103rd & Lex

Wednesday One-Liners for Young, Urban Professionals

Female yuppie: As a general rule of thumb, I think I should refrain from going to the Hustler Club with my male boss and co-workers from now on.

–Downtown C train

Overheard by: amused passenger

Yuppie: It was the most intense Hava Nagilah I’d ever seen.

–43rd & Lex

Yuppie, examining the New York Public Library: Wow, that library is such a waste of real estate!

–42nd & 5th Avenue

Overheard by: Reader Rabbit

Emo Girl to friend: Oh I love Whole Foods, its like Wal-Mart for Yuppies.

–Whole Foods, Union Square

Overheard by: Addie Wagenknecht

Yuppie, to McDonald’s cashier: Do you have French vanilla capuccino?

–McDonald’s, 34th & 10th

Just a Little Bit Of Wednesday One-Liner Repeating

Mother to child in front of diorama of pilgrims and Native Americans: Well, that's because the Indians never met real people before.

–Museum of Natural History

Overheard by: Peter R.

Young girl, arriving through train tunnel at Grand Central Station: I wonder if Harriet Tubman is down here.

–Grand Central Station

Airhead: I think like… Colonialization is like… The umbrella theme of, like… Diplomacy.

–Pommes Frites

History teacher, about Andrew Jackson: He tight, he kill mad people, he buggin'.

–High School

Teacher, discussing Thomas Jefferson's mistress: You see, guys? History is exciting! It's full of sex!

–High School, Lower Manhattan

Overheard by: SzN31

The Liquid Assets Of Wednesday One-Liners

Conductor: Ladies and gentlemen, we apologize for the delay. There is a problem with a signal and there are trains in front of us. The good news is, there's a bar car!

–Metro North

Overheard by: Anna

Obese lady buying pork chops to obese friend: I be cutting down on on soda.

–Troy Ave & Park Place

Exasperated woman: And he was drinking Jack Daniels before he even got to my place…

–3rd & 6th

Overheard by: j

Female suit on cell: Well, what do you expect? It was green Gatorade and grain alcohol!

–Broadway & 54th St

Overheard by: Loren

Bag lady to another: Listen, Alice, if you don't want to lose your leg, you gotta drink water, they'll take your legs otherwise.

–42nd St & 3rd Ave

Overheard by: Robin

Frantic woman on cell: Oh my god! There is no soy milk anywhere in this city! (sprints out of Starbucks)

–Starbucks, Times Square

Overheard by: ellie

Tough guy outside bar with friends: So I like apple juice. What the fuck?

–East Village

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