WedNRAsday One-Liners

Man in bar, with the air of explaining a very simple concept: We need to shoot every fucking robber in the head, right? Then there would be no robbers.

–Midtown

Mom to son picking leaves off a potted plant: You better stop doing that or else they'll shoot you.

–Roosevelt Island Golf Center

Overheard by: erak

40-something female suit: I'm looking for a particular kind of venom for my blow-gun darts.

–The High Line

60-something woman to two admiring 30-something women: My body no longer produces estrogen and I carry a gun in my purse… Who's going to mess with me?

–Prince & Sullivan

Posted on May 12, 2010
Age/Aging, All Wednesday One-Liners, Families, Health and Hygiene, Insults, Lower East Side, Men, Midtown & Hell's Kitchen, Moms, Murder, One-liners, Parks, Questions, Soho, Suits, Thievery, Threats, Trees and plants, Weapons, Wednesday One-Liners, Women

Not Short-Bus Slim, Either

Man, handing out newspaper to lady: You look special. (lady grabs it) Slim, I meant you look slim.

–Flushing, Queens

Overheard by: Brian H

Posted on May 11, 2010
Compliments, Diet/Weight, Men, Physical appearance, Queens, Women, Words

We Prefer “The Sittin' Squad,” But Yeah.

Suit, blocking newly vacated seat and motioning to young woman at other end of the car: Would you like to sit?
Older woman, closer to the seat: Who the fuck is he… The seat police?

–5 Train

Overheard by: Hobo Whisperer

Posted on May 10, 2010
Cops, Insults, Old People, On the Subway, Public Transportation, Questions, Suits, Women

Wednesday One-Liners Pee a Lot

Dramatically upset woman outside bathroom: I knew I had to pee before, but I chose not to! And now I'm facing the consequences!

–La Lanterna, The Village

Overheard by: Sunny

Woman holding child: Does looking at the fountain make you have to pee? It makes mommy have to pee. It's only natural.

–Bryant Park

Guy to friend: No, seriously, I think I legit peed on that guy!

–30th St & 9th Ave

Guy on cell: No, I will not urinate with you!

–The Met

Woman in turtleneck to suit: I mean, people shouldn't only eat when they're hungry. (pause) Or go to the bathroom when they have to… only. That's like, bad for your bladder!

–86th St & 5th Ave

Woman on cell: I don't care about them. I don't care about their urine. I don't care about their office!

–Court & Carroll, Brooklyn

Posted on May 5, 2010
All Wednesday One-Liners, Brooklyn, Bryant Park, Chelsea & the Meatpacking District, Food, Friends, Guys, Health and Hygiene, Kids, Moms, On Cell, One-liners, Parents, Parks, Pee, Questions, Suits, The Met, The Village, Upper East Side, Wednesday One-Liners, Weirdness, Wishes & desires, Women

Wednesdays Just One-Linered in Their Mouths a Little

Three-year-old boy to mother: Mommy, there is a baby in your stomach that is making you throw up.

–G Train

Guy with hand over friend's mouth, encouraging him not to throw up: No! No! No!

–Q Train

Guy, pleading with girl: Don't go home. (pukes on self) Why do you have to go home?

–32nd St & Madison Ave

Man standing next to woman throwing up: Beans and rice… No, corn.

–Brooklyn

Overheard by: Julian

Posted on May 5, 2010
All Wednesday One-Liners, Brooklyn, Food, Friends, Girls, Guys, Home, Sweet Home, Kids, Men, Moms, Murray Hill and Gramercy, On the Subway, One-liners, Parents, Pregnancy & Birth Control, Questions, Strangers, Vomit, Wednesday One-Liners, Weirdness, Women

…and Your Little Dog, Too!

Old black woman on bicycle with yapping dog in basket: Get out of the way! Get the fuck out of the way! Get out of the way, white fuckers!
White man standing in street: Fuck you, you… non-white person!

–NYU

Posted on May 2, 2010
Black People, Insults, Men, NYU, Old People, Race, White People, Women

Translation: I Don't Read

Woman: Fridays in publishing are half days. You get out at noon.
Man, seriously: Well, publishing's a joke.

–Bryant Park

Overheard by: Cass

Posted on May 1, 2010
Bryant Park, Comebacks, Jobs & Careers, Men, Time, Women

Wednesday One-Liners Don't Give a Cluck

Extremely tall black woman watching video excerpt of porn star Marilyn Chambers "self pleasuring": Huh, looks like she's cleaning out a chicken.

–Museum of Sex, 5th Ave

Very round and fat short woman on cell: Next time ya come down to Astoria bring me some ribs! (girlishly) Bring me some chicken or some ribs. (pause) Wellll, bring some tomorra! (pause) I'll be lickin' my fingas at 4:30 in the mornin'!

–N Train

Overheard by: I want some ribs too

Suit on cell: So, the chicken comes out of its cage, and then it picks your fortune!

–Baxter St & Walker St

Overheard by: Kristin

High school girl: I'm sorry, but I was really high, and the chicken was just sitting there in the fridge. I mean, would you think someone's a bad person who kills someone when they're drunk? (pause) Let's pretend I didn't say that.

–86 St

Lady on cell: They eat the same thing all the time. Every single day it's curried chicken, white rice, curried chicken, white rice. I just want a damn sushi burger!

–Downtown F Train

Gay guy dressed in black with painted red hair: So fuck it. I'm gonna make a fetish costume for a chicken!

–11st St & 3rd Ave