All Wednesday One-Liners

Wednesday One-Liners, Damn Lies, and Statistics

Drunk British chick: She clucked and mooed, so I said twelve.

–Red Hook, Brooklyn

Overheard by: Sam Jerman

Guy on cell: Did you know that one out of six people with scoliosis die every day? Yeah, I know… Ha! No, I’m just kidding. I made that up.

–Astor & Lafayette

Overheard by: Jay

Dude to chick: On a scale from one to cookie… you’re a seven.

–Central Park

Loud lady: I mean, how many times did I have my head between Greg’s legs? Only 12 or 13 times! Not that many times.

–Eugene O’Neill Theatre

Overheard by: tmoney

Black teen to his friends: Yo, I read the Bible nine times, and that shit contradicted itself like a motherfucker!

–Broadway & Steinway, Astoria

Want a Date, Wednesday One-Liners?

Hipster student: Yeah, man, we took Chinese already, but they’re making us start again in elementary ’cause we can’t write. All we know how to say is curse words and how to pick up hookers.

–Midtown Direct NJ Transit

Guy on cell: … Virtual strumpet.

–E 34th St

Overheard by: Krisztina

Young woman on cell: My apartment is not a brothel… My apartment is not a brothel.

–Tompkins Square Park

Suit to wife: Oh, wait, they’re not prostitutes, they’re just Italian.

–Per Se Restaurant, Columbus Circle

Hobo in skirt: Ladies, ladies! Sex for sale! Sex for sale! Satisfaction guaranteed or your money back!

–2nd Ave, between 8th & 9th St

Overheard by: Skyler Fox

Wednesday One-Liners Feel Pretty and Witty and Gay

Flamboyantly gay guy to gay friends: Why do I have to be the queen? Why can’t I just be regular?!

–Christopher Street

Overheard by: JMcheer

Queer to another: I just want to bury my face in his ass!

–67th & Park Ave

Gay guy on cell: Oooh! I love playing straight!

–1st Ave, East Village

Overheard by: B

Stressed gay worker: They always skip over my lunch break. Everyone else gets their lunch breaks but they always skip over mine. Ugh. Guys, I’m gonna take my 15 minutes. I’m taking my 15 minutes. I close tonight… Ugh, this is not the road to success! (storms off)

–H&M Store

Overheard by: nyu kid

Queer to boyfriend: You know Romy and Michelle? I love that movie… That movie made me gay.

–Restaurant, 19th & 8th

Overheard by: batou187

Queer on cell: I know… I know! Gosh, that is sooo gay!
(bewildered elderly lady looks at him)
Queer to elderly lady (in shrieking voice): Oh my god, oh my god, the faggot said gay!

–Central Park

Wednesday One-Liners Can’t Stomach Humble Pie

Lady suit at lunch: Actually, I prefer people who are just like me.

–Lower East Side

30-something: Everyone knows my name, and I know everyone’s name.

–Herald Square

Overheard by: acep

20-ish guy looking at reflection in elevator mirror: This is why I love elevators — I get to look at myself. I am so hot. Have you ever realized how hot I am? Yeah, I’m really hot. [Leans in and kisses his reflection.]

–AMA Building, 48th & Broadway

Overheard by: Heather

Guy getting off train: The king is leaving!

–R train

Overheard by: peace out, your highness

Just One More Hit of Wednesday One-Liners

Conductor: Attention, ladies and gentlemen, there’s a slight delay due to reports of somebody smoking crack… and other stuff… on the back of the train.

–Church Ave

Overheard by: Katie & Jaime

Teen girl, to older woman: You ‘posed to eat. Ain’t ‘posed to smoke no rock!

–Classon & DeKalb

Queer in RA’s office: Now, when we got there they were selling hash brownies and weed muffins — we were in Amsterdam — and everyone else was trying some, so I figured I would, too. Then we went to the Anne Frank Museum, and of course that’s when they started kicking in…

–Fordham University, Lincoln Center

Overheard by: Wishes he heard the rest of the story

Man on cell: I know, but then they started smoking crack on stage.

–10th St & Stuyvesant

Guy on cell: I’m at Stuy High… Whaddya mean ya don’t know what that is?! Gotta know where the weed’s at!

–Near Stuyvesant High

Man to concerned woman: Don’t think of it as buying weed from a drug dealer. Think of it as supporting a cottage industry.

–Christopher & Bleecker

Overheard by: amused priest

Wednesday One-liners Are None Too Bright

Indian man: You’re the stupidest lady in the world…You see her? She’s the stupidest lady in the world. You are #1!

–7 train

Overheard by: isabelle

Your Wednesday One-Liner Is Nothing to Be Ashamed Of

Woman: Excuse me, can you tell me something? Do I have a hickey on my neck? I have to go to a lunch and I just want to know if I have a hickey on my neck.

–SoHo

Overheard by: kim

Guy on cell: He shoved his hand in so many crevices that they looked like flippers.

–2nd Ave & Houston

Overheard by: gypsee

Drunk girl: If Bethany doesn't have legs, nobody has legs.

–1 Train

Overheard by: oliviz

Strange woman, seeing another woman massaging pressure points on friend's ear: She has a headache? It starts in the scrotum.

–M14D Bus

Man, missing stop: This is the problem with having a prostate that's bigger than your brain…you always forget to get off.

–Downtown 1 Train

Overheard by: rachel

Girl: She slept with Harry, and she didn't know he only had one hand, and afterward she still didn't know he only had one hand.

–Brother Jimmy's Restaurant

Overheard by: Joe

Kids Say the Darndest Wednesday One-Liners

Seven-year-old white boy in huge afro wig, screaming: Peace out, smokers! Peace out, jazz singers! Now, who wants my autograph?

–Playground, Houston St, Soho

Little boy with broken arm: I just won eight gold medals!

–Pier 46, Hudson River Park

Overheard by: skeptical james

Three-year-old boy: The night… why does it hurt?

–Flushing Playground

Six-year-old girl waiting for parents to pay the check, chanting: Hun-ger! Hun-ger! Hun-ger!

–Chinese Restaurant, Park Slope

Overheard by: Kendra

Little boy walking towards LIRR at rush-hour: How are we going to get through all of this?

–Penn Station

Overheard by: i feel the same way

Four-year-old boy: I gotta feelin… that tonight's gonna be a good night… that tonight's gonna be a good night… that tonight's gonna be a good good night!

–Hard Rock Cafe, Times Square

Overheard by: wooohoooo

Little girl, in Cro-Magnon section of museum: Mommy, you must have known these people. They look like you!

–American Museum of Natural History

Wednesday One-Liners Fear the Silence

Angry woman on cell: How did you get this number? This is my personal cell phone number and I won’t be having these kinds of calls coming in under any circumstances! No! Absolutel– How high would the credit limit be if I activated this card? … No! I don’t take these kinds of calls!

–Washington Square Park

Overheard by: Kory

Conductor: All passengers please have your tickets out, and for those passengers with cell phones, please remember to use your inner voice when using them.

–NJ Transit

Overheard by: Listening to my inner-voices

Loud black guy on cell: Yeah, man, I’ll be there later, yo. No doubt, son… Yeah, word, you heard what happen to– [Cell phone rings and everyone stares at him.]

–125th & Lenox

Overheard by: Hugh

Coworker: My phone’s lost all functionality. I mean, it still works, but…

–Office, Midtown

Overheard by: I am large, I contain multitudes

Kid wandering around on cell, suddenly covering phone with hand: I don’t even know who I’m talking to! [He goes back to talking on the phone.]

–Kmart, Astor Pl

Wednesday One-Liners Get Schooled

Guy leaving registration line: Yo,son, I'm a fucking college student!

–Borough of Manhattan Community College

Girl to friend: If I blow off the first day of class to go to Nobu, am I really meant to be an MD?

–Nobu Restaurant, Tribeca

Crazy guy: School is good! School is very good! You can speak Chinese! You can speak Japanese! (counts to ten in Spanish.) School is good! School is very good!

–C Train

Overheard by: Emily B.

Hipster art student: He keeps giving us too many penis assignments. I don't wanna do another penis assignment.

–Pratt Institute

Blonde: My mom wants me to look at graduation dresses…yeah, let's see if I get there first.

–Austin St, Forest Hills

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