Every Little Wednesday One-Liner Helps

Professor: Gods, these students. It’s like they just don’t get it, you tell them things and two minutes later they ask you the same thing. How did they get here? What are they going to major in? In "homelessness"?

–English Department, Hostos Community College

Well-dressed 20-something girl: Homeless people tell me to cheer up all the time!

–1 train

Rich woman #1, fixing rich woman #2’s scarf: [laughs] Oh my god, you look homeless!

–1 Train

Overheard by: sagehen

Well-dressed woman on cell: It’s just another Wednesday and I’m a bag lady.

–Columbia University

Overheard by: Ladle

Mother to her flock of children entering the train and then getting off: Run guys run, theres a homeless guy on that train! Run!

–F Train

Overheard by: yana

Posted on February 25, 2015
Advice, All Wednesday One-Liners, Clothing, College, Columbia (& Barnard), Columbia University, Compare/Contrast, Education, Girls, Gripes, Homeless, Jobs & Careers, Moms, On Cell, On the Subway, Panhandling, Physical appearance, Questions, Rich people, School and studying, Teachers/Professors, The Bronx, Threats, Women

Wednesday One-Liners: Great for Your Complexion

Hot chick on cell: Important question: Which is more painful, cum in your eye, or Caesar salad dressing in your eye?

–Columbia University

Overheard by: Ladle

Dude on cell: … Because I’m a pastry chef, and my semen tastes like ice cream.

–Soho

Ghetto girl on cell: So he said to me, ‘Suck my cum for five dollars,’ and I was like…

–St. Mark’s & Broadway

Overheard by: Stilettofem

Chick: I have no agreements for future procurement of sperm.

–Harlem

Overheard by: Meister

Hipster chick on cell: Why were you and Voldemort sharing sperm?

–140th & Broadway

Overheard by: Ladle

Posted on February 24, 2015
All Wednesday One-Liners, Cum, Wednesday One-Liners, Wednesday One-Liners Vary

Wednesday One-liners? Makes No Sense

Security Guard: …and so now I have her DNA and I can, like, reproduce her any time I want.

–57th & West End

Overheard by: Kaitlyn

Drunk: Are you going to San Francisco?…Hey, I’ve been there! Why won’t you believe me? Look at this tattoo I got there!…Shut up, bitch!

–LIRR

Overheard by: marissa

Woman: So did you know that cheese has the same chemicals as heroin in it? That’s why people who eat cheese get so addicted to it.

–1st Avenue & 4th Street

Overheard by: alison

Posted on February 23, 2015
All Wednesday One-Liners, Drunks, Idiots, Lower East Side, Midtown & Hell's Kitchen, Security Guards, Trains Not Subway, Travel

Wednesday One-Liners, Damn Lies, and Statistics

Drunk British chick: She clucked and mooed, so I said twelve.

–Red Hook, Brooklyn

Overheard by: Sam Jerman

Guy on cell: Did you know that one out of six people with scoliosis die every day? Yeah, I know… Ha! No, I’m just kidding. I made that up.

–Astor & Lafayette

Overheard by: Jay

Dude to chick: On a scale from one to cookie… you’re a seven.

–Central Park

Loud lady: I mean, how many times did I have my head between Greg’s legs? Only 12 or 13 times! Not that many times.

–Eugene O’Neill Theatre

Overheard by: tmoney

Black teen to his friends: Yo, I read the Bible nine times, and that shit contradicted itself like a motherfucker!

–Broadway & Steinway, Astoria

Posted on February 21, 2015
All Wednesday One-Liners, Beauty, BJs, Books & Writing, Death, Lies, Wednesday One-Liners, Wednesday One-Liners Vary

Want a Date, Wednesday One-Liners?

Hipster student: Yeah, man, we took Chinese already, but they’re making us start again in elementary ’cause we can’t write. All we know how to say is curse words and how to pick up hookers.

–Midtown Direct NJ Transit

Guy on cell: … Virtual strumpet.

–E 34th St

Overheard by: Krisztina

Young woman on cell: My apartment is not a brothel… My apartment is not a brothel.

–Tompkins Square Park

Suit to wife: Oh, wait, they’re not prostitutes, they’re just Italian.

–Per Se Restaurant, Columbus Circle

Hobo in skirt: Ladies, ladies! Sex for sale! Sex for sale! Satisfaction guaranteed or your money back!

–2nd Ave, between 8th & 9th St

Overheard by: Skyler Fox

Posted on February 21, 2015
All Wednesday One-Liners, Prostitution, Wednesday One-Liners, Wednesday One-Liners Vary

Wednesday One-Liners Feel Pretty and Witty and Gay

Flamboyantly gay guy to gay friends: Why do I have to be the queen? Why can’t I just be regular?!

–Christopher Street

Overheard by: JMcheer

Queer to another: I just want to bury my face in his ass!

–67th & Park Ave

Gay guy on cell: Oooh! I love playing straight!

–1st Ave, East Village

Overheard by: B

Stressed gay worker: They always skip over my lunch break. Everyone else gets their lunch breaks but they always skip over mine. Ugh. Guys, I’m gonna take my 15 minutes. I’m taking my 15 minutes. I close tonight… Ugh, this is not the road to success! (storms off)

–H&M Store

Overheard by: nyu kid

Queer to boyfriend: You know Romy and Michelle? I love that movie… That movie made me gay.

–Restaurant, 19th & 8th

Overheard by: batou187

Queer on cell: I know… I know! Gosh, that is sooo gay!
(bewildered elderly lady looks at him)
Queer to elderly lady (in shrieking voice): Oh my god, oh my god, the faggot said gay!

–Central Park

Posted on February 20, 2015
All Wednesday One-Liners, Ass, Boyfriends, Central Park, Chelsea & the Meatpacking District, Coworkers, Eating Out, Gays and Lesbians, Gripes, Movies, Office politics, On Cell, Queer guys, Questions, Restaurants & Cafes, Sexuality, Store, Union Square and East Village, Upper East Side, West Village, Wishes & desires, Words

Wednesday One-Liners Can’t Stomach Humble Pie

Lady suit at lunch: Actually, I prefer people who are just like me.

–Lower East Side

30-something: Everyone knows my name, and I know everyone’s name.

–Herald Square

Overheard by: acep

20-ish guy looking at reflection in elevator mirror: This is why I love elevators — I get to look at myself. I am so hot. Have you ever realized how hot I am? Yeah, I’m really hot. [Leans in and kisses his reflection.]

–AMA Building, 48th & Broadway

Overheard by: Heather

Guy getting off train: The king is leaving!

–R train

Overheard by: peace out, your highness

Posted on February 20, 2015
All Wednesday One-Liners, Stupidity, Wednesday One-Liners, Wednesday One-Liners Vary

Just One More Hit of Wednesday One-Liners

Conductor: Attention, ladies and gentlemen, there’s a slight delay due to reports of somebody smoking crack… and other stuff… on the back of the train.

–Church Ave

Overheard by: Katie & Jaime

Teen girl, to older woman: You ‘posed to eat. Ain’t ‘posed to smoke no rock!

–Classon & DeKalb

Queer in RA’s office: Now, when we got there they were selling hash brownies and weed muffins — we were in Amsterdam — and everyone else was trying some, so I figured I would, too. Then we went to the Anne Frank Museum, and of course that’s when they started kicking in…

–Fordham University, Lincoln Center

Overheard by: Wishes he heard the rest of the story

Man on cell: I know, but then they started smoking crack on stage.

–10th St & Stuyvesant

Guy on cell: I’m at Stuy High… Whaddya mean ya don’t know what that is?! Gotta know where the weed’s at!

–Near Stuyvesant High

Man to concerned woman: Don’t think of it as buying weed from a drug dealer. Think of it as supporting a cottage industry.

–Christopher & Bleecker

Overheard by: amused priest

Posted on February 20, 2015
All Wednesday One-Liners, Brooklyn, Cocaine, Conductors, Girls, Gripes, History & Geography, Men, Old People, On Cell, Public Transportation, Queers, School, School and studying, Stuyvesant Town, The Village, Travel, Upper West Side & Lincoln Center, Weed, Women

Wednesday One-liners Are None Too Bright

Indian man: You’re the stupidest lady in the world…You see her? She’s the stupidest lady in the world. You are #1!

–7 train

Overheard by: isabelle

Posted on February 19, 2015
All Wednesday One-Liners, India Indians, Insults, On the Subway, Stupidity

Your Wednesday One-Liner Is Nothing to Be Ashamed Of

Woman: Excuse me, can you tell me something? Do I have a hickey on my neck? I have to go to a lunch and I just want to know if I have a hickey on my neck.

–SoHo

Overheard by: kim

Guy on cell: He shoved his hand in so many crevices that they looked like flippers.

–2nd Ave & Houston

Overheard by: gypsee

Drunk girl: If Bethany doesn't have legs, nobody has legs.

–1 Train

Overheard by: oliviz

Strange woman, seeing another woman massaging pressure points on friend's ear: She has a headache? It starts in the scrotum.

–M14D Bus

Man, missing stop: This is the problem with having a prostate that's bigger than your brain…you always forget to get off.

–Downtown 1 Train

Overheard by: rachel

Girl: She slept with Harry, and she didn't know he only had one hand, and afterward she still didn't know he only had one hand.

–Brother Jimmy's Restaurant

Overheard by: Joe

Posted on February 17, 2015
All Wednesday One-Liners, Body Parts, Bus, Compare/Contrast, Drunks, Girls, Guys, Handicaps, Health and Hygiene, K-I-S-S-I-N-G, Men, Offers and requests, On Cell, On the Bus, On the Subway, One-liners, Passengers, Public Transportation, Questions, Restaurants & Cafes, Sex, Soho, Stupidity, Union Square and East Village, Wednesday One-Liners, Women

All Wednesday One-Liners