All Wednesday One-Liners

Wednesday One-Liners Clutch Their Fannypacks

Tourist: What’s that entrance right over there… Where it says, ‘Exit’?

–Museum of Natural History

Overheard by: Ms. Dubs

Man to wife and children: I don’t know why you’re following me! I have no clue where I’m going!

–Rockefeller Center

Drunk male tourist: What time does Times Square close?

–Outside Yankee Stadium

Overheard by: Genissimo

Southern tourist dad: ‘Papa Yaking’? What in the hell kinda crazy Jewish name is that?

–14th & 7th

Overheard by: Manhattman

Fat Southern lady with teal leggings standing beside fat man with large rodeo belt buckle and USS Nimitz hat to security guard: We’re tourists…

–MoMA

Overheard by: Daniel B

Wednesday One-Liners Find Their Niche

Ten-year-old wannabe thug: I'ma put this can of pepper spray up your ass! You want me to put this up your ass?!

–Old Navy, Harlem

Worried bearded 50-something: Yeah, but how are we going to film an anal birth!?

–F Train

Street vendor selling his wares: I will shove your foot up the devil's ass!

–St Mark's Place

Yankee stadium employee yelling to another: Hey, wouldja bend over for a minute? I'll be right back!

–Yankee Stadium

Overheard by: torrie

Gay teen: His hole was as big as a traffic cone!

–1st & 14th

Sinfully ugly girl: I have to stop putting things in my ass.

–forever 21 (queens center mall)

Overheard by: defragment my harddrive

Wednesday One-Liners Go Back to School

Art teacher: Now you are true students of FIT! Nobody listens to directions!

–FIT

Suit on cell: I don’t know if going through water is resistance or friction, do you? God! I am so tired of doing the kid’s homework!

–46th between 7th & 8th

Female student: I think I’m gonna learn a lot. They were saying things that went, like, right over my head.

–Fordham

Overheard by: Jess McGins

NYU girl on cell: No, I’m not going to waste the credits. I’m just going to fail the class on purpose.

–Bleecker & Mercer

Overheard by: Kristin

Drunk chick: I’m majoring in the doggy-style orgasm.

–Slainte, 1st & Bowery

Overheard by: Genevieve

Professor to class: Most of you are familiar with the breasts of members of the opposite sex who are close to your own age.

–Columbia University Medical Center

Professor: I have no idea what you’re saying, but I know you’re wrong.

–Vanderbilt Hall, NYU

Overheard by: The King Adrock

Wednesday One-Liners Can’t Wait for Casual Friday

Suit to table of coworkers: … And I still shit on the floor!

–Lombardi’s, Spring St

Overheard by: bdangadang

Suit on cell: No, I’m just saying that you are being very unresponsive… Unresponsive! Do you know what unresponsive means? … Hello?

–Grand Central

Overheard by: amanda

Suit answering cell: Hi. Yeah, I’m just being screwed in Penn Station…

–Penn Station

Overheard by: walty

Suit on cell: Wait, he really locked himself in the car? Shit, he’s seriously going to blow his brains out… I know, call Denise. We’re fucked.

–55th & 6th

Overheard by: CK

Suit on cell: So, apparently they think that I think I’m, like, Britney Spears or something…

–42nd & Park

I Got 99 Problems (But a Wednesday One-Liner Ain’t One)

Guy on phone: Listen, dude. Whenever you hang out with me again, don’t bring your wife. She’s a bitch.

–42nd & 5th Ave

Overheard by: Maria

Homeless man on cell: The brother needs to know when to wear a rubber, man. That’s some easy pussy. The bitch just needs a crib to bang in.

–Lafayette & Broadway

Queer: That bitch called me and was like, ‘I swallowed a bunch of pills.’ And I’m like, ‘Obviously that shit didn’t work, now did it — if your ass is calling me? You need to get yourself into the Drano. I’ll wait on the line while you do.’

–W 4th & 6th

Overheard by: Matthew K Johnson

Gangster girl to gangster boyfriend: I hope I don’t have to fight nobody on this train or else I’ll go Jet Li on this bitch.

–D Train

Overheard by: Kate

Woman: Stand clear of the closing doors. Please don’t hold the doors unless you wanna get bitch-slapped.

–A Train

Overheard by: Josh H

Black man on cell: Alright, you go take a shower and wash that kitty cat real good. [Hangs up] Right, that bitch never fuckin’ do nothin’.

–Metro North train to Grand Central

Overheard by: pepepepepe!

Eight-year-old girl trying to catch up to group of girls her age: Wait up, bitches! Wait up, you bitches! [Girls don’t wait for her] Beeyotches!

–91st & 2nd

Wednesday One-Liners Are Asstastic

Chubby girl on cell: Hello?! I’m getting a tattoo! What I need to know is: right butt cheek or left butt cheek?

–Elevator, Sulzberger Hall, Barnard College

Lady in cubicle on phone about daughter: She went from looking like a boy to J-Lo in three months, so she’s very busy shaking her booty — it’s raw, exposed estrogen.

–Wall Street

Man, to group of other men as thin passerby ignores them: Damn! Don’t she know it’s illegal for a black chick to have no ass?!

–2nd Ave & 3rd St

Overheard by: Ohiowatha

Attractive teen: My ex-boyfriend used to tell me that I couldn’t talk about anything that had to do with my ass. He was, like, anal about it and would say all the time, ‘Don’t you talk about your ass, it’s going to completely turn me off — I don’t want to hear about it.’

–2 train

Overheard by: Talia

Man on cell: I remember — we just got my rear end replaced.

–University

Overheard by: Asinine

Chick on cell: Eeyore’s butt — where is it?!

–Harlem

Overheard by: Ladle

Man on cell: And she said, ‘You’re pretty cute for a garbage man,’ and then she grabbed my ass.

–Hell’s Kitchen

Overheard by: Kat

Wednesday One-Liners Get Too Big for Their Britches

20-ish chick on cell: But how can I be getting old? I just gave someone an over-the-pants handjob at a bar last night!

–Morningside Heights

Overheard by: Ladle

Bimbette on cell: … So I got downstairs and realized I wasn’t wearing pants!

–Barnard College

Overheard by: yeah happens all the time

Old lady to teen boy: … And so you wear girl pants?!

–10th & 5th

Overheard by: Steph

20-ish chick to dad: I don’t have Alzheimer’s — I just wear the pants.

–Schubert Alley

Overheard by: Kerry

Loud high school girl: She stood at the subway and was like, ‘Could I have two dollars for a metro card?’ And that’s how she bought a new pair of pants. She told [our teacher] that’s how she bought a new pair of pants, but I’m pretty sure it was for bud. She said it was for pants… But it was for bud.

–Manhattan-bound R train

Overheard by: Maggie

Well-dressed old lady: He wants to go somewhere, too — into your pants! Okay, that was childish.

–Columbia University

Overheard by: Ladle

Wednesday One-Liners Are So Not Hot for Teacher

Teacher: Some of the answer choices people picked were really out there. I probably could've put peanut butter and jelly, and people would think, "Oh, damn, I'm hungry, I should pick that."

–Stuyvesant High School

Overheard by: Student

Teacher: Guys, no matter what happens, if you're absent on a test day you must bring in a note! I don't care if you're walking to school and suddenly the ground opens up and you're sucked into candyland–I need a note!

–LaGuardia High School

Overheard by: a note of chocolate?

Acoustics teacher: This only emphasizes how little I know about acoustics. Or rather, how little is known about acoustics.

–Cooper Union, Astor Place

Overheard by: a student is only as good as his t eacher

Teacher to little boy: You ain't gonna die just cause your leg got sprinkled on!

–L Train

Overheard by: Misshellee

Principal: I can see what you're doing…with this bouncing and the little hand on your hip…you're trying to undermine my authority with your bad posture, I can see exactly what you think of my administration.

–Bard High School Early College

Wednesday One-Liners Refuse A Polygraph

Guy: Yeah, and he lied to me about dying, too!

–Bedford Ave, Brooklyn

Girl: So what is your name going to be tonight?

–6th Ave & 57th St

Queer on cell: She tried to tell me that I was fatter than him — that muthafucka is the worst liar in the world!

–Grand Central Terminal

Overheard by: She was probably right…

Guy: I just told her, ‘Keep on fakin’ those orgasms!’

–7th Ave & 32nd St

Suit on cell in McDonald’s: Yeah, well, I’m in Connecticut right now…

–Astoria, Queens

Overheard by: Blaine

Conductor: There’s another local train directly behind this one. I would never lie to you.

–W train to Astoria

Overheard by: MissPinkKate

Man exiting taxi: If anyone asks, we walked!

–Lincoln Center

Overheard by: Kyle

“That'sa Spicy Wednesday One-Liner!”

Drunk guy, matter-of-factly: Everyone comes in here and thinks they're smelling pot, when really they're just smelling Italians.

–Hammerstein Ballroom Men's Room

Young girl on cell: Well, I mean, I have eaten macaroni. Does that count as Italian?

–Grand Central

Overheard by: Kayla Monetta

Man on cell: And this guy smelled like shit! (pause) Yeah, I told him, "you smell like Italian."

–E 10th & 3rd Ave

Overheard by: molina1230

Loud bridesmaid at Guido wedding: I'm Sicilian from the waist up, American from the waist down.

–Brooklyn Botanic Garden

College guy to friend: From the minute they got here, they started eating. Italian feasts are pornography. Italian food is illicit sex to the puritans. Everything the puritans eat is bland and brown.

–Brooklyn College

Middle-aged, pot-bellied guy with a long pony-tail, stopping young woman on the street: Excuse me, but I just want to say, once you've had Italian food, you're not hungry for anything else. I just ate a calzone and now I'm going to go home and just go to sleep!

–8th St & Broadway

Overheard by: Not hungry either

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