All Wednesday One-Liners

Nine-year-old boy: Sometimes I just think I am a robot. I mean, aren't I a robot?

–E 17th & Broadway

Overheard by: definitely human

Tall guy: Yeah, you have to learn not to trust those shifty-eyed robots.

–Union Square

Hipster: And, like, he wasn't even gay… he was just not human.

–88th & Park

Comic book guy: No, not Optimus Prime. But yes, I have had sexual thoughts… about robots.

–40th & 7th

Cute chick: You don't need a sex robot to have sex with a robot.

–Old Town Bar

Overheard by: Lieut. Liplock

Chick on cell: The well of his fuckwaddery springs eternal.

–Columbia University

Overheard by: Wild Dog Boy

Columbia student: Fuck. Fucking titties! What the fuck? Fucking titties, this is some goddamn bullshit! I really want a snack.

–110th & Broadway

Guy to girl: Are you serious? I'm not fucking creepy, okay? I'm not fucking creepy.

–Washington Square Park

Overheard by: NYU girl

Man on bicycle, yelling at car: Fuck you! Yeah, use your fucking blinkers, you fuckstick!

–10th & Broadway

Overheard by: Helene and Alice

Guy on cell, in monotone with no pauses: Fuck you, fuck you, fuck you, fuck you, fuck you, I need you, I need you, I need you, bitch. (hangs up)

–M4 Bus

Guy: I totally agree with the idea behind Family Ties.

–Grassroots Tavern, St. Marks Place

Petite woman: Just because you are taller doesn’t mean you are stronger. I have more power in my finger than that broad! One flick from me and she’d be on her ass!

–43rd & 6th

Guy on cell: I’ve got the dogs. I’ve got your mother’s latte. I’ve got your cappuccino, and I’m willing to go back for a movie but you’ve got to drive me…Hello? Hello?

–Park Slope

Overheard by: amb

Chick: My boss never actually reads her e-mail. I forwarded her a message with someone’s address, but she only read the first line and responded “Where’s the address”? I mean, scroll down bitch! Jeeeeez.

–Maiden Lane

Overheard by: J

Yoga instructor: I am totally never going back to Dop Dop again. They kept telling people I’m really a brunette.

–Equinox, 50th Street

Girl: And you know what? After having a few accidents, I just decided to wear pads, to let it flow naturally.

–College of Staten Island

Overheard by: Dr. Ballon

Woman on cell: So she says to me, “Oh, you’re so interesting”, and I’m like, “Fuck you, you fucking cunt.”

–57th & 5th

Overheard by: Heather

Man: I can’t leave my door unlocked in the Barrio. Someone might sneak in and steal all my spices.

–42nd & Ditmars, Astoria

Man on cell: Now why the fuck would you go and eat my ravioli? Dat’s mine!

–42nd & Lex

Overheard by: Danny

Black tween girl: And that nigga bitch Rihanna thinks she can do ballet? Shit! I can do ballet. The only thing I ever seen that nigga do right is eat fried chicken.

–Q train

Overheard by: kb

Woman: I mean, I would have loved rice. We all would have loved rice.

–8th St between 1st & 2nd

Overheard by: Jaya

Chick: The other day I ate a hot dog, and it had a bone in it. I don’t know what animal they make hot dogs out of, but I’m pretty sure they don’t have bones.

–34th & 7th

Overheard by: seth kleinman

Girl: Food is like candy.

–92nd & Broadway

Shrewd observer: He is either in the Army or chews a lot of gum.

–Ludlow & Rivington

Overheard by: pete Lanpr

Lady: There ain’t no way I’m standing in front of a stove all day making tuna salad. It’s fucking hot!

–104th & Broadway

Overheard by: Fatty McFingers

Queer: Oh my God, cottage cheese is albino diarrhea.

–City Diner, 90th & Broadway

Man to child in stroller: What do you want? You want money? Do you want money or a bagel?

–Absolut Bagels, 108th & Broadway

Overheard by: another jew

Chick on cell: …No, not years of porn, ears of corn! Corn, like you eat!

–Ding Dong’s, 106th & Columbus

Overheard by: Jas

Passionate woman: I just love egg white! It’s like painting to me! The texture, the smell…

–17th & Broadway

Overheard by: Shivvers

Pringles lover: Yeah, he’s, like, all that minus the bag of chips.

–14th St between 5th & 6th

Overheard by: the chips

Big black dude: So tell me, how much would it cost to get a huuuuge jar of mayonnaise, outta state?

–Uptown 5 train

Pre-dad: That fuckin’ thing is getting ready to pop out next week.

–Fulton between Broadway & Center

White guy: You live in New Jersey and you don’t speak Spanish?

–49th & 8th

Overheard by: Knipc

Guy on payphone: Eighty miles an hour, and he was still alive?…still alive?

–W. 4th & Mercer

Overheard by: Matthew

Jewfro: …so why did you stick your cell phone in your anus?

–Chambers & Greenwich

Guy: I’d like some dick lever…I mean duck liver, please. Well, I guess dicks don’t really have levers do they?

–Tuller Gourmet Food Market, Cobble Hill

Overheard by: Isaac Gertman

Man to friend: … And then she put her pussy on my head.

–W 4th & 7th

Overheard by: Shaggy

Large black lady to friends: I mean, her vagina was fuckin’ huge! You could put a whole fist in that thing!

–W 4th & 6th

Overheard by: Sophia Casanova

Teen girl on cell: I really wanted to be like, ‘Listen, bud — this isn’t working, so can you please remove your fingers from my vagina?’

–B1 bus stop, Bensonhurst

Female: I think my vagina is malfunctioning.

–E 112th St

Overheard by: Mine, too

Loud guy to male friend: There’s something about a vagina that just makes you evil! No offense.

–4th & Mercer

Overheard by: none taken

Seven-year-old, looking around: Mommy, is this a gay place?

–Columbus Circle Mall

Deadpan guy: Just for future reference, when you have gay sex in a bathroom stall, you might wanna put paper bags over your feet so people don’t see two pairs of male feet under the door and catch on… I’m just saying.

–Wagner College

Overheard by: Zabet

Fat chick: Gay sex makes everything better.

–Nederlander Theatre

Scruffy college student to friend: So, I told my parents I was gay… Then they told me I was adopted.

–Starbucks

Overheard by: ramona

Old Asian woman, smiling after reading tabloid cover: He is not gay!

–Barnes & Noble, 18th & 5th

Overheard by: I still think he is :-/, BiTCHESSSS!!

Ghetto dude on phone: Do you know what I could do with that money? I could get a new pair of pants… or maybe get my hair done.

–Broadway & 86th St

Girl to another: I had this teacher in high school who wore the tightest pants. Camel toe all the time.

–Union Square

Overheard by: Giancarlo

Annoying sober 20-something, returning from bathroom: God! I'm so sweaty, it made it really hard to pull my pants down.

–Diner, 3rd Ave

Teenage girl to another: He came here to do a concert. He probably doesn't want to hear you scream, "Take your pants off!"

–Battery Park