Ew, Who Wednesday One-Linered?

Elderly janitor, watching pierced teenagers get in line: I'm gonna fart on one of these people.

–Broadway & Houston

Angry man on cell: They think they're so perfect, but I bet they piss and burp and fart like the rest of us.

–80th St & 34th Ave

Hobo: Can you spare some change? I need to buy some new underwear, I farted and shat in these.

–83rd St & Broadway

Overheard by: new girl in town

Tiny brunette: Have you ever had to pee so bad, and suddenly you fart and then you don't have to pee that badly anymore?

–7 Train

Young woman to friend: Yeah, and then she started fartin' a bunch. But she was farting out of her pussy. And Ashley got pissed, cause then, she started makin' a beat out of it.

–125th St & Lexington

Overheard by: Stephen

Posted on June 28, 2015
All Wednesday One-Liners, Anger Management, Cleanliness, Clerks, Clothing, Farting & Burping, Friends, Girls, Health and Hygiene, Hobos, Men, On Cell, On the Subway, One-liners, Panhandling, Pee, Physical appearance, Poop, Queens, Questions, Teens, The Village, Threats, Upper East Side, Upper West Side & Lincoln Center, Vagina, Wednesday One-Liners, Weirdness, Women

Even a Penny for Wednesday One-liners

Hobo: Anybody help me feed my stomach? No? I hope all you get home safe. And don’t burn your house down. And don’t smoke no crack.

–6 train

Overheard by: P. Von Kant

Hobo: I said I was hungry. Hungry. I can’t eat this bird-food shit! Why’d you give me this?

–9th St. & 2nd Ave

Hobo: Wanna see the real Zoo York? Bend over and I’ll show ya.

–Madison Square Garden

Overheard by: Dan Arcuri

Posted on June 28, 2015
All Wednesday One-Liners, Clothing, Fire, Food, Hard Drugs, Hobos, Wednesday One-Liners

Wednesday One-Liners Get a Hoboner

Hobo: I am homeless and ashy. Can anyone spare some lotion? I want to go from ashy to classy.

–A Train

Overheard by: SBroto

Hobo: If looks could kill I'd be dead. Kind words don't hurt nobody. I give sandwiches.

–Shuttle to Grand Central

Overheard by: alan b hutscar

Panhandler, holding top hat overflowing with bills: And take your newspapers and personal belongings with you, I got company comin' over tonight!

–4 Train

Overheard by: Anthony LoDuca

Hobo: You think anyone ever went to Harvard and forgot about it?

–Central Park

Hobo, near no tripping hazards or holes: Watch your step! Don't fall! Look where you're going! Don't fall down!

–4th & Broadway

Singing hobo: I'm gonna be on Broadway! You're all invited! I don't care what you look like. Even you! (points to random man)

–1 Train

Posted on June 27, 2015
Advice, All Wednesday One-Liners, Broadway Shows, Central Park, Crazy, Death, Food, Hobos, Homeless, Money & Class, On the Subway, One-liners, Panhandling, Parks, Physical appearance, Questions, School and studying, Singing, Strangers, Street, The Village, Wednesday One-Liners, Weirdness, Wishes & desires

A Steady Stream of Wednesday One-Liners

Guy: Yeah, that was the night I pissed all over his walls.

–Fanelli’s, Prince & Mercer

Overheard by: hjane

Dude: I think she’s pretty cool, even though she tried to pee on me that one time.

–Rumours, 55th & 8th

Overheard by: Matthew K Johnson

Girl on cell: …Well, I was, until he peed his pants. It was all downhill from there.

–Upper East Side

Overheard by: kelsey

Guy on cell: She got pissed on… So do I. I guess if she can survive another two months… How much damage do you think he can do?

–Columbia University

Overheard by: Al E Ro

Guy entering bank: Fuck that dragworm! It’s my bank! I’m gonna give him a tip because he stepped in front of me to hold the door? Fuck that! It’s like if I was gonna piss and he knocked my hand aside to grab my dick.

–Washington Mutual

Posted on June 26, 2015
All Wednesday One-Liners, Compare/Contrast, Compliments, Pee, Penis, Questions, Wednesday One-Liners, Wednesday One-Liners Vary

Omg, Like W.O.L.s, Lolcatz!

Girl to another, loudly: Oh my god! Where the fuck were you this morning? I was about to text you, but I realized you couldn't text. And I couldn't text either! And you wouldn't pick up your phone! And I needed to talk to you! But I couldn't reach you! So I just like fucking sat there and screamed for ten minutes!

–B9 Bus

20-something male to friend: I am so MIA right now. I am MIA. Like, I text you, but I am MIA. Like, so many people send texts to me, and I'm just MIA.

–Downtown 6 Train

Overheard by: dallas

Girl leaving movie: Well, I'm sure she'll send out a mass text the second she has her baby.

–AMC Theater 19th & Broadway

Overheard by: Julie

20-something to another: Tiffany, I know I left Jason at the altar…but why didn't he text me back?

–1849 Bar, MacDougal & Bleecker

Laughing hobo to another: That is the funniest joke I've ever heard! You have to text that to me!

–St. Mark's Church, 2nd Ave & 9th St

Overheard by: cody

Posted on June 25, 2015
All Wednesday One-Liners, Anger Management, Babies, Bars & Clubs, Breaking Up, Cell Phone, Chelsea & the Meatpacking District, Friends, Girls, Hobos, Insults, Laughter, Marriage, Movie Theaters, On the Bus, On the Subway, One-liners, Pregnancy & Birth Control, Questions, Street, Stupidity, The Village, Union Square and East Village, Wednesday One-Liners, Weirdness

Wednesday One-Liners Are Fresh As a Summer’s Eve

Woman on cell: What?! So I douched today for no reason?!

–27th & 8th

Overheard by: abby k

Guy on cell: Hello? Hello, little douche! Oh, you’re just jealous of how not-douchy I am.

–Office, Murray Hill

Overheard by: Rose Fox

Girl on cell: He was a cunt in New York, but he’s a total douchebag in L.A.

–49th & 9th

Chick on cell: Listen, I’m sorry for last night… For hiding in the shower all night and being a douche.

–10th & Broadway

Overheard by: CMEdia

Professor, reading quote on politics of smoke-filled cities in 19th century: ‘… To give themselves and their wives and daughters that outside neatness, cleanliness, and freshness…’ [Pauses, then] Sounds like a douche ad.

–Columbia University

Posted on June 25, 2015
All Wednesday One-Liners, Health and Hygiene, Wednesday One-Liners, Wednesday One-Liners Vary

Wednesday One-Liners Love the Skin They're In

Skinny pale male hippie with hair in top knot, to friend, calmly: I'm going to lose my brain. A piece of my brain.

–E.11th St & 5th Ave

Overheard by: Liz

Man on cell: Yeah, he crossed the line. Then, when he started talking about my wife's anatomy I was just disgusted.

–31st Parking Garage

Thug, about his baby son: So, I'm lookin' at this kid. I be lookin' at him real hard. He got everything I got! Square head, the shoulders, the flat feet, everything! Straight down to the penis!

–Staten Island Ferry

Out of towner to friend: I just want to let you know your armpit is making my wrist very warm right now.

–3 Train

Overheard by: there are worse places you could put that, I guess…

Man to friends: He empties his mind into your face.

–5th Ave & 11th St

Posted on June 25, 2015
All Wednesday One-Liners, Body Parts, Family Ties, Foreigners, Friends, Hippies, Kids, Men, On Cell, On the Subway, One-liners, Penis, Staten Island Ferry, Thugs, Union Square and East Village, Wednesday One-Liners, Weirdness

Excuse Me, Can I Bum a Wednesday One-Liner?

Hipster girl on cell: Yeah, we’re just gonna smoke some hookah and watch the freshmen. They’re really entertaining.

–Columbia University

Hobo exiting trashcan and shooting smoking pedestrian a dirty look: That smells disgusting. Smoking is such a nasty habit! [Stalks off.]

–10th & Broadway

Overheard by: firefry

Lady: … And she’s just the most adorable child! I mean, she has these angelic features and then the voice of a 40-year-old smoker.

–College Walk, Columbia University

Bimbette to friend: They were, like, giving me a bunch of shit since I’m pregnant and still smoking. I was like, ‘It only causes low birth weight. What’s the big deal?!’

–6 train

Overheard by: Drew

Conductor: A reminder, folks — no smoking in the restrooms. You know who you are.

–Amtrak to Boston

Posted on June 25, 2015
All Wednesday One-Liners, Smoking, Wednesday One-Liners, Wednesday One-Liners Vary

At Least Wednesday One-Liners Can Cook

Drunk college girl: I don’t mean to have sex with ugly guys but more often than not…

–Columbia University

Overheard by: Lo

Thuggish dude on cell: … You want to look in the mirror and be like ewww, while everyone else looks at you and is like, ooh, you know what I’m saying? When I wake up in the morning and I look in the mirror I think to myself shit, I am one ugly motherfucker, how the hell do I get so many bitches?

–7 Train

Overheard by: Andrea

Dumpy man waiting on line: I didn’t know court was a beauty contest for ugly women.

–Downtown NYC Courthouse

Man fighting with random woman on train: You’re as ugly as the tip of my dick!

–4 Train

Overheard by: Marlon B

Teenage girl to group of friends: Oh! Did I tell you *Jessica had her baby? Yeah, that shit ain’t ugly.

–Cobble Hill

Loud girl: Omigod I’m soooo pissed! Like, she’s so ugly. Much uglier than me. And you know on Halloween, if I hadn’t been bleeding from my vagina and puking in a bowl he would have hooked up with me instead.

–Fordham University

Overheard by: I was puking in a bowl when I heard this too

Posted on June 24, 2015
All Wednesday One-Liners, Babies, Beauty, Blood & bleeding, Brooklyn, Columbia (& Barnard), Columbia University, Compare/Contrast, Compliments, Drunks, Fat People, Fordham, Friends, Gender issues, Girls, Guys, Harlem & Morningside Heights, Holidays, Insults, Lower Manhattan, Men, On Cell, On the Subway, Penis, Physical appearance, Questions, Sex, Sorority Girls, Teens, Thugs, Vagina, Vomit, Weirdness

Who Wednesday One-Linered Mr. Burns?

Black 30-something man: And she said, "Nigga, you wanna fuck mah titties wit a gun?"

–Penn Station

Overheard by: Amanda R.

10-year-old boy, very loudly, to 10-year-old girl: Oh, yeah, well…how many guns have you ever held?

–5 Train

Middle aged white man in shorts: Anyone awake at 2 am should be shot!

–LIRR

Overheard by: L.C.

Street performer, trying to move crowd: Okay, let's try this! White people, we are not dangerous! (lifts shirt, pats down sides) We are unarmed! Step closer!

–W 45th & 5th

Man on phone: Right. Right. Wait, what? (in shock) He don't got a gun? Well, he has to have a gun! What kinda game do you think this is?

–J Train

Army dude to friends: People shoot at me every once in awhile. Do I get tipped? No, fuck tips!

–Havanna's Bar

Posted on June 23, 2015
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All Wednesday One-Liners