A Steady Stream of Wednesday One-Liners

Guy: Yeah, that was the night I pissed all over his walls.

–Fanelli’s, Prince & Mercer

Overheard by: hjane

Dude: I think she’s pretty cool, even though she tried to pee on me that one time.

–Rumours, 55th & 8th

Overheard by: Matthew K Johnson

Girl on cell: …Well, I was, until he peed his pants. It was all downhill from there.

–Upper East Side

Overheard by: kelsey

Guy on cell: She got pissed on… So do I. I guess if she can survive another two months… How much damage do you think he can do?

–Columbia University

Overheard by: Al E Ro

Guy entering bank: Fuck that dragworm! It’s my bank! I’m gonna give him a tip because he stepped in front of me to hold the door? Fuck that! It’s like if I was gonna piss and he knocked my hand aside to grab my dick.

–Washington Mutual

Posted on June 26, 2015
All Wednesday One-Liners, Compare/Contrast, Compliments, Pee, Penis, Questions, Wednesday One-Liners, Wednesday One-Liners Vary

Omg, Like W.O.L.s, Lolcatz!

Girl to another, loudly: Oh my god! Where the fuck were you this morning? I was about to text you, but I realized you couldn't text. And I couldn't text either! And you wouldn't pick up your phone! And I needed to talk to you! But I couldn't reach you! So I just like fucking sat there and screamed for ten minutes!

–B9 Bus

20-something male to friend: I am so MIA right now. I am MIA. Like, I text you, but I am MIA. Like, so many people send texts to me, and I'm just MIA.

–Downtown 6 Train

Overheard by: dallas

Girl leaving movie: Well, I'm sure she'll send out a mass text the second she has her baby.

–AMC Theater 19th & Broadway

Overheard by: Julie

20-something to another: Tiffany, I know I left Jason at the altar…but why didn't he text me back?

–1849 Bar, MacDougal & Bleecker

Laughing hobo to another: That is the funniest joke I've ever heard! You have to text that to me!

–St. Mark's Church, 2nd Ave & 9th St

Overheard by: cody

Posted on June 25, 2015
All Wednesday One-Liners, Anger Management, Babies, Bars & Clubs, Breaking Up, Cell Phone, Chelsea & the Meatpacking District, Friends, Girls, Hobos, Insults, Laughter, Marriage, Movie Theaters, On the Bus, On the Subway, One-liners, Pregnancy & Birth Control, Questions, Street, Stupidity, The Village, Union Square and East Village, Wednesday One-Liners, Weirdness

Wednesday One-Liners Are Fresh As a Summer’s Eve

Woman on cell: What?! So I douched today for no reason?!

–27th & 8th

Overheard by: abby k

Guy on cell: Hello? Hello, little douche! Oh, you’re just jealous of how not-douchy I am.

–Office, Murray Hill

Overheard by: Rose Fox

Girl on cell: He was a cunt in New York, but he’s a total douchebag in L.A.

–49th & 9th

Chick on cell: Listen, I’m sorry for last night… For hiding in the shower all night and being a douche.

–10th & Broadway

Overheard by: CMEdia

Professor, reading quote on politics of smoke-filled cities in 19th century: ‘… To give themselves and their wives and daughters that outside neatness, cleanliness, and freshness…’ [Pauses, then] Sounds like a douche ad.

–Columbia University

Posted on June 25, 2015
All Wednesday One-Liners, Health and Hygiene, Wednesday One-Liners, Wednesday One-Liners Vary

Wednesday One-Liners Love the Skin They're In

Skinny pale male hippie with hair in top knot, to friend, calmly: I'm going to lose my brain. A piece of my brain.

–E.11th St & 5th Ave

Overheard by: Liz

Man on cell: Yeah, he crossed the line. Then, when he started talking about my wife's anatomy I was just disgusted.

–31st Parking Garage

Thug, about his baby son: So, I'm lookin' at this kid. I be lookin' at him real hard. He got everything I got! Square head, the shoulders, the flat feet, everything! Straight down to the penis!

–Staten Island Ferry

Out of towner to friend: I just want to let you know your armpit is making my wrist very warm right now.

–3 Train

Overheard by: there are worse places you could put that, I guess…

Man to friends: He empties his mind into your face.

–5th Ave & 11th St

Posted on June 25, 2015
All Wednesday One-Liners, Body Parts, Family Ties, Foreigners, Friends, Hippies, Kids, Men, On Cell, On the Subway, One-liners, Penis, Staten Island Ferry, Thugs, Union Square and East Village, Wednesday One-Liners, Weirdness

Excuse Me, Can I Bum a Wednesday One-Liner?

Hipster girl on cell: Yeah, we’re just gonna smoke some hookah and watch the freshmen. They’re really entertaining.

–Columbia University

Hobo exiting trashcan and shooting smoking pedestrian a dirty look: That smells disgusting. Smoking is such a nasty habit! [Stalks off.]

–10th & Broadway

Overheard by: firefry

Lady: … And she’s just the most adorable child! I mean, she has these angelic features and then the voice of a 40-year-old smoker.

–College Walk, Columbia University

Bimbette to friend: They were, like, giving me a bunch of shit since I’m pregnant and still smoking. I was like, ‘It only causes low birth weight. What’s the big deal?!’

–6 train

Overheard by: Drew

Conductor: A reminder, folks — no smoking in the restrooms. You know who you are.

–Amtrak to Boston

Posted on June 25, 2015
All Wednesday One-Liners, Smoking, Wednesday One-Liners, Wednesday One-Liners Vary

At Least Wednesday One-Liners Can Cook

Drunk college girl: I don’t mean to have sex with ugly guys but more often than not…

–Columbia University

Overheard by: Lo

Thuggish dude on cell: … You want to look in the mirror and be like ewww, while everyone else looks at you and is like, ooh, you know what I’m saying? When I wake up in the morning and I look in the mirror I think to myself shit, I am one ugly motherfucker, how the hell do I get so many bitches?

–7 Train

Overheard by: Andrea

Dumpy man waiting on line: I didn’t know court was a beauty contest for ugly women.

–Downtown NYC Courthouse

Man fighting with random woman on train: You’re as ugly as the tip of my dick!

–4 Train

Overheard by: Marlon B

Teenage girl to group of friends: Oh! Did I tell you *Jessica had her baby? Yeah, that shit ain’t ugly.

–Cobble Hill

Loud girl: Omigod I’m soooo pissed! Like, she’s so ugly. Much uglier than me. And you know on Halloween, if I hadn’t been bleeding from my vagina and puking in a bowl he would have hooked up with me instead.

–Fordham University

Overheard by: I was puking in a bowl when I heard this too

Posted on June 24, 2015
All Wednesday One-Liners, Babies, Beauty, Blood & bleeding, Brooklyn, Columbia (& Barnard), Columbia University, Compare/Contrast, Compliments, Drunks, Fat People, Fordham, Friends, Gender issues, Girls, Guys, Harlem & Morningside Heights, Holidays, Insults, Lower Manhattan, Men, On Cell, On the Subway, Penis, Physical appearance, Questions, Sex, Sorority Girls, Teens, Thugs, Vagina, Vomit, Weirdness

Who Wednesday One-Linered Mr. Burns?

Black 30-something man: And she said, "Nigga, you wanna fuck mah titties wit a gun?"

–Penn Station

Overheard by: Amanda R.

10-year-old boy, very loudly, to 10-year-old girl: Oh, yeah, well…how many guns have you ever held?

–5 Train

Middle aged white man in shorts: Anyone awake at 2 am should be shot!

–LIRR

Overheard by: L.C.

Street performer, trying to move crowd: Okay, let's try this! White people, we are not dangerous! (lifts shirt, pats down sides) We are unarmed! Step closer!

–W 45th & 5th

Man on phone: Right. Right. Wait, what? (in shock) He don't got a gun? Well, he has to have a gun! What kinda game do you think this is?

–J Train

Army dude to friends: People shoot at me every once in awhile. Do I get tipped? No, fuck tips!

–Havanna's Bar

Posted on June 23, 2015
Advice, All Wednesday One-Liners, Bars & Clubs, Black People, Friends, Guys, Insults, Kids, Men, Midtown & Hell's Kitchen, Money & Class, Murder, On Cell, On the Subway, One-liners, Penn Station, Questions, Race, Rack, Sex, Shoot, Should've Used a Condom, Stupidity, Time, Trains Not Subway, Vendors & Street Performers, Weapons, Wednesday One-Liners, Weirdness, White People

Wednesday One-Liners Are With the Band

Dr. Obvious: If you want to be a label band, you have to play like a label band.

–Bar basement, Williamsburg

Subway performer: I would like to sing you a song now, one that I wrote and I am very proud of. It goes like this, “Lean on me, when you’re not strong, and I’ll be your friend…”

–Brooklyn bound L train

Overheard by: Meg

Guy to girl: I don’t mean to be pretentious, but I have seen the Palominos live.

–CBGB’s

Karaoke singer: I realized early on that I wasn’t being sexy enough with that song, and then suddenly I was humping the air.

–Fat Black Pussycat, 3rd St & 6th Ave

Stoner: Dude, what is this band playing? Is this Phish? No, seriously. I’m really confused.

–Dave Matthews Band concert, Randall’s Island

Overheard by: Sober at Randall’s Island

Black guy: I don’t give a damn what the black people think! I want Evanescence!

–Hunter College

Overheard by: Kimmie

Waiter: I had to get out of there. I’m sorry, but I just can’t listen to Tom Waits as soon as I get into work! It’s too early for Tom Waits! Let me ease into my day first. Jesus!

–Outside Life Café

Overheard by: daile

Posted on June 23, 2015
All Wednesday One-Liners, Music, Singing, Wednesday One-Liners, Wednesday One-Liners Vary

This Round's on Wednesday One-Liners

Hobo to another: Now the average American might not know about the economy and the depression. But they know about Budwieser. If they go to the bodega and there's no Budweiser, they know there's a problem.

–53rd Street E Station

Overheard by: SJG

Bald 30-something man: I believe in whiskey and little else.

–Lorimer & Union

Girl walking down the street: You took methamphetamines, I'm getting a Diet Coke!

–2nd Ave & 11th St

Overheard by: dazed and confused

Elated girl: This beer is really helping my canker sore.

–93rd & 2nd

Overheard by: brian w

Guy at bar: If the New York Public Library served Scotch, I would go there.

–Karl's Klipper, St George, Staten Island

Overheard by: Johnny Drongo

Train conductor: Next stop, Moshulo Parkway…and can someone get me a fucking soda! I'm in car 3! I need a damn soda!

–4 Train

Overheard by: B-Dizzle Yo

Posted on June 23, 2015
All Wednesday One-Liners, Bars & Clubs, Brooklyn, Compare/Contrast, Drinking & Drunk People, Drinks, Drugs, Girls, Guys, Health and Hygiene, Hobos, Men, Offers and requests, On the Subway, Public Transportation, Staten Island, Subway conductors, Subway stations, platforms, etc., Union Square and East Village, Upper East Side, Weirdness, Wishes & desires

Wednesday One-Liners — You Can Count Their Ribs!

Girl to friend: I mean, he has an eating tutor.

–Astoria

Overheard by: Joel

Rabbi: Fasting is completely useless.

–Yom Kippur service, Temple Beth El

Overheard by: Ilysse Weisenfeld

Girl on cell: No, I think her boobs are fake. There is no way you can be anorexic and have boobs like that. I know! They look so awful! Like balloons on a broomstick!

–Barnard College

Overheard by: Vicksburg

Chick to friend: You can lose weight just by digesting.

–Main St & Roosevelt Ave, Flushing, Queens

Overheard by: Rita

Big black lady, stuck in the stall: Oh, hell no! I ain’t come in the bathroom for anorexic people!

–Stall #2, Ladies’ room, Barnes & Noble, 18th & 5th

Overheard by: Laughing in Stall #1

Posted on June 22, 2015
All Wednesday One-Liners, Diet/Weight, Wednesday One-Liners, Wednesday One-Liners Vary

All Wednesday One-Liners