Ass

Wednesday One-Liners Are Big Fun

Girl: Imagine if you're fat? You would die.

–College of Staten Island

Overheard by: Nameless

Girl on cell: I just don't trust her, she's fat. Fat girls always cause problems.

–3rd Ave & 40th

Overheard by: Liz

Overweight teen girl to friend: It's like, I'm kind of hungry but like I don't feel like eating anything. (a minute later to cashier) I'll have three bacon cheeseburgers, large fries and a frosty.

–Wendy's, Union Square

Overheard by: I was starving and bought less

14-year-old girl to group of friends: I don't skinny dip, I chunky dunk.

–18th St & 2nd Ave

Overheard by: Will

Senior ad exec to junior art designer: What the fuck doesn't this guy understand? The machine literally sucks fat out of your body! So we can't show a girl with a huge ass and huge thighs in the ad! Get it the fuck together!

–49th St & 8th Ave

Overheard by: agree to agree

20-something girl: I think I look fat when I don't have armpit hair.

–Canal & Mott

Wednesday One-Liners Have Been Workin' on the Railroad, All the Livelong Day

Conductor: Hey, partner, can we go? (static) We can't? Why the heck not? Hey, moron, get your ass in here! You're holding up a bunch of wonderful people! Wonderful New York commuters who don't need this kind of fucking bullshit at 3 on a Friday afternoon! (static) Yes, you! Keep pointing at yourself and my answer will keep being… Yes, it's you! Goddammit, get in the fucking train! I hate dealing with this! (long pause) You know what, make a decision: either cram your Rosie O'Donnell ass in or get the fuck out! Oh, look, he's in! (slow, sarcastic applause) Partner, we can bounce up on out of here now.

–1 Train

Overheard by: Train Wreck

Conductor: Ladies and gentlemen, for the next 250 years there will be track work on weekends. Don't say that no one told you.

–R Train

Overheard by: Mezz

Conductor: If you don't fit on this train kindly wait for the next B. (doors close) That was excellent, ladies and gentlemen, if you keep this up, we'll all be home really soon.

–B Train

Conductor, looking forward to the end of his shift: All right folks, this is your 6:07 train to New Haven stopping at 125th, then express to Stamford. We're off… (makes clippy-clop noises) Neeiiigghh!

–Metro-North Train

Overheard by: Amused passenger

Conductor: This is 125th Street, may the force be with you, next stop 86th Street.

–4 Train

Overheard by: Luke Skywalker

Conductor, after train goes through stop: Whoops! My bad. My bad.

–G Train

Overheard by: El David

Conductor, after train stops: Ladies and gentlemen, there is train traffic up ahead. We'll start moving as soon… (train starts moving) Oh, well, I guess that's cleared up. Weee!

–Downtown A Train

Overheard by: Duncan Pflaster

Except Those Who Are Giving It

Man #1: I don't want to take it in the ass.
Man #2: What does it matter? Everybody is taking it in the ass.

–28th St & Lexington Ave

Overheard by: danny

Well I Am a Proctologist.

Guy #1: Yeah, she looked like such a mess. Her ass was hanging out and everything. Man, if that was my daughter I would take her aside and say, “Listen. Cover yourself up. That's only for daddy.”
Guy #2: Hahaha, for sure. (pause) Wait. Say that again.

–54th St

Just As Soon As We Sign and Notarize the Contract

Hobo #1: But that's not enough to have pee in my butt…
Hobo #2 (interrupting): What would have been enough? 30, 40 dollars?
Hobo #1: Huh? Well! What the hell are you asking for? Now, exactly, you can pee in my butt for nothing…for a conversation… for a howdy do!

–YMCA

Overheard by: German Deter

New York Must Be Hell for Someone Who's Offended by “Ass”

Student #1: Gah, cyclohexane smells like ass!
Student #2: Gretchen!*.
Student #1: Sorry, I like sounding smart and stupid at the same time.

–Barnard Chem Lab

…Yet Mysteriously Able to See Through Clothing.

Hobo to another: Ohh… Check that out! Hot white ass!
Girl in blue pants: Why are there so many drunken perverts in Central Park?
Friend (seriously): He's probably just color blind.

–Grand Central Station

Headline by: dwasifar

Runners-Up:
· “…Or, Knowing Your Ass, Just Plain Blind.” – EddieA
· “Because Let’s Be Honest, He Clearly Wasn’t Referring to That Wagon You’re Dragging.” – Wilkeson
· “Or It Could’ve Been the Ablino Donkey Behind You…” – Krikit
· “Smurfette Swore She’d Never Come Back to the City Again.” – 1310 (formerly SNA)
· “The White Pants…Always Keeping the Colored Pants Down” – California Dave

Click here to see the new Headline Contest

Only Matt Dillon's Dick Has Been in Audrey Hepburn's Ass

Hobo, interrupting a guy and a girl: Excuse me, could I bum a cigarette or get some spare change?
Young man: I'm low on cash and sorry, but I have a cigarette for you. (hands hobo a cigarette) Do you need a light?
Hobo: Nope. (walks away)
(young man and woman continue conversation, hobo comes back and interrupts again)
Hobo: Can I ask you a question?
Young man: Shoot!
Hobo: What does Matt Damon's dick look like in Audrey Hepburn's ass?
Young woman: Trick question.
(hobo gives them the finger, walks away)

–Central Park

Sorey Asses Are What We Had After That Bondage Seminar

Girl, reading Hydrocortisone cream label: What is “sorey asses”?
Friend: It's “psoriasis,” asshole!

–Morningside Heights

Overheard by: Sarah

Wednesday One-Liners Buy Hardware for Their Software

Large black lesbian to friends going into a sex shop: I don't wanna see no dildos unless I'm being fucked!

–Greenwich Village

Overheard by: J.D.

Mormon girl, loudly agreeing with friend: Yeah, I know, I know! I didn't even know what a dildo was until I got here! Like, freshman year!

–Outside Lerner Hall, Columbia University

Overheard by: But what about a vibrator?

Loudest black girl in group of loud black teens: What I recommend, to every fuckin' nigga, is the vibratin' cock ring.

–14th St, Outside Urban Outfitters

Overheard by: Now curious about cockrings

Loud tourist girl: But Susan's butt-plug was only $75.

–Orchard & Rivington

Overheard by: MattyB

Man with thick Brooklyn accent on cell: I got the thing…yes the fuckin thing for the thing…yes, but I'm tellin' you the fuckin thing is definitely not big enough for her.

–31st St & 7th Ave

30-something woman to friend: So, between the time I got back from the meeting and the time you called me, I used my vibrator three times. (pauses and realizes everyone on the train is listening) Oh. Did I say that really loudly?

–D Train

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