Wednesday One-Liners Go on Maury to Establish Paternity

Irritated tourist mother to baffled seven-year-old daughter: Your father is such a fuckin' dickwad! And let me tell you–he wasn't even inspired the night we made you.

–Times Square

Overheard by: tinyfoo

Guy on cell: I haven't talked to my dad in over three years, and this morning he friended me on Facebook.

–1st Ave & 89th Street

Overheard by: Citats

Guy on cell: Well, I wouldn't say I have the best relationship with my father, no. Umm… Well, for example, if he answers the phone when I call the house he says "Oh. Hey, failure."

–Union Square

Overheard by: Olivia

Woman on cell to friend: Uh-huh girl, I brought William to his donors' house and he didn't want to watch him. I said "William, William, say goodbye to your donor because he don't wanna watch you today."

–Bay Ridge, Brooklyn

Upper East Side girl at brunch with girlfriends: I need to find a new apartment because when I do the walk of shame I keep running into my dad.

–80th St & 2nd Ave

Posted on May 26, 2010
All Wednesday One-Liners, Brooklyn, Comebacks, Facebook, Family Ties, Friends, Friendship, Girls, Guys, Home, Sweet Home, Insults, Kids, Moms, Nicknames & name calling, On Cell, One-liners, Relationships, Stupidity, Times Square, Tourists, Union Square and East Village, Upper East Side, Wednesday One-Liners, Weirdness, Wishes & desires, Women

Too Many Of Those to Count

Philosophical teen #1: Don't count your eggs before they hatch…
Philosophical teen #2: When should I count them?
Philosophical teen #1: Exactly.
Suit, passing: You're an idiot.

–Clinton & Montague, Brooklyn Heights

Overheard by: Mike N

Posted on May 24, 2010
Advice, Brooklyn, Insults, Suits, Teens

McSteamy Wednesday One-Liners

Girl on phone: I gotta go to another guy because the last guy was like, "have you been sleeping with any Asian investment bankers?" and I was like, "no," and he's like, "well, then you don't have syphilis." And I'm like, "you're not a very good doctor!"

–Greenpoint

Girl on train: You should really meet this guy. He's like half witchdoctor and half… I don't know… Physical therapist.

–LIRR

Overheard by: The WC

Bag lady, yelling: What is my vital sign, asshole? Systolic… Diastolic… The fuck does that mean, Mr. Doctorman?

–6 Train

Overheard by: pretending not to have been pre-med in college

Suit on cell: What do you mean I'm being ridiculous? He's a foot doctor… He's not licensed to give rectal exams, Floyd!

–Q Train

Overheard by: EKavet

Posted on May 19, 2010
All Wednesday One-Liners, Bag ladies, Body Parts, Brooklyn, Compare/Contrast, Girls, Health and Hygiene, Insults, Jobs & Careers, On Cell, On the Subway, One-liners, Passengers, Questions, Sex, STDs, Suits, Trains Not Subway, Wednesday One-Liners, Weirdness

… Without Wheels

Little boy to mother: Mom, can I have a motorcycle? I'll take really good care of it!
Mother to son: My son, you will never have a motorcycle. It's dangerous… Mommy will buy you a BMW.

–Brooklyn

Posted on May 18, 2010
Brooklyn, Cars and Driving, Compare/Contrast, Kids, Moms, Offers and requests, Parents

…Would You Like Some French Fries?

Middle aged lawyer #1, reading newspaper: Childhood obesity is an epidemic? America is the only country where poor people are fat.
Middle aged lawyer #2: Cheap food is fattening.
Middle aged lawyer #1: Maybe so, but if they're fat, they can't be starving, right? Nobody ever starved to death while they were fat.
Middle aged lawyer #2: The reason they're fat is that they can't afford to eat healthy. Your comment is shockingly racist, hateful and ignorant.
Middle aged lawyer #1: Oh, now being fat is a race issue? Ever been to Disney World? They have white people there who could cause an eclipse.
Middle aged lawyer #2: Our agricultural policy encourages the poor to eat cheap, unhealthy calories. A Big Mac might make you full, but it also makes you fat!
Middle aged lawyer #1: McDonald's sells salads too, ya know. Who's forcing the poor to order Big Macs? Or to eat twelve of them?
Middle aged lawyer #2: If you believe you're correct, why don't you try living on a restricted budget and food stamps?
Middle aged lawyer #1: If my budget was so restricted, I might stop at the first Big Mac instead of ordering a dozen. And nice way to divert from the issue, which is that America's poor are obviously not starving.
Female court reporter: That's right. It's the middle class that's starving because they're not getting government checks and food stamps.
Middle aged lawyer #2, with air of condescension, shaking head: How compassionate of you.
Middle aged lawyer #1: I'm very compassionate. I'm just not an enabler. I'm making a simple logical argument: fat people are not starving.
Middle aged lawyer #2, shaking head: Mere words do you no justice.
(the door to the room opens, and in comes the witness, an obese black teenager holding a McDonald's bag. The smell of french fries fills the room).
Middle aged lawyer #1: Were you listening outside the door?
Confused teen: No.

–Court Reporting Office, Brooklyn

Overheard by: Big Larry

Posted on May 15, 2010
Black People, Brooklyn, Diet/Weight, Fat People, Health and Hygiene, Junk Food & Fast Food, Lawyers, Money & Class, Physical appearance, Race, Teens

No Gang Colors in Rite Aid, Ma'am

Little girl: Oh! Nail art, can I have it?
Mom: No, I got a problem with you today.
(little girl sulks)
Mom: I don't care if you think it's an accident: when someone hits you, you hit them back and ask questions later! When you learn this then I will buy you those nails!

–Rite Aid, Brooklyn

Overheard by: kay arrgh

Posted on May 13, 2010
Accidents, Advice, Body Parts, Brooklyn, Kids, Moms, Offers and requests, Store, Violence

First You Invade, Then Partially Withdraw

Teen #1: Yo, she said she was gonna break up with me 'cuz I didn't sleep with her that night.
Teen #2: So, you broke up?
Teen #1: Nah. I'm going to her place after school tomorrow.
Teen #2: I can't believe you didn't hit that.
Teen #3: Yo, even Patton had to retreat before he took Berlin.
(silence)
Teen #1: Dude… What the fuck?

–Montague Street, Brooklyn

Posted on May 13, 2010
Breaking Up, Brooklyn, Compare/Contrast, Insults, Teens, Threats

Congress?

Daughter, after seeing steaks on a barbecue: Is that pig?
Mother: No, it's cow.
Daughter: Ew! Gross!
Mother: Where did you think pork came from?

–Street Festival, Myrtle Ave

Posted on May 11, 2010
Brooklyn, Families, Food, Moms, Parades & Festitivites, Questions, Stupidity

Wednesday One-Liners Pee a Lot

Dramatically upset woman outside bathroom: I knew I had to pee before, but I chose not to! And now I'm facing the consequences!

–La Lanterna, The Village

Overheard by: Sunny

Woman holding child: Does looking at the fountain make you have to pee? It makes mommy have to pee. It's only natural.

–Bryant Park

Guy to friend: No, seriously, I think I legit peed on that guy!

–30th St & 9th Ave

Guy on cell: No, I will not urinate with you!

–The Met

Woman in turtleneck to suit: I mean, people shouldn't only eat when they're hungry. (pause) Or go to the bathroom when they have to… only. That's like, bad for your bladder!

–86th St & 5th Ave

Woman on cell: I don't care about them. I don't care about their urine. I don't care about their office!

–Court & Carroll, Brooklyn