Wednesday One-Liners Can’t Carry a Tune in a Bucket

Bum walking dog, singing: Tired of looking for love in all the wrong places, ejaculating on all the wrong faces…

–72nd St & Columbus

Overheard by: Asset

Drugged-up guy singing a song to girls on subway platform, to the tune of "Earth Angel": Earth angel, earth angel, would you be mine? Earth angel, earth angel, would someone loan me money so I can bribe her to take me hoooome…

–Union Square Platform

Overheard by: Thankfully not an earth angel

Cop #1, singing to cop #2: Look at me, I’m Sandra Dee..!

–6th Ave & Waverly

Overheard by: Jatmos

Blind panhandler, singing: Can’t take my eyes off of you…

–R Train

Young hobo, singing: Gimme some money, bitch, I need a fuckin’ pen, so I can write a sign…

–St Mark’s Place

Greyhound bus driver: We’re pulling up to Port Authority now. [Sings] My Greyhound brings all the boys to the yard, and they’re like, it’s better than yours, damn right, it’s better than yours, I can teach you, but I have to charge. La la la la la- New York City! La la la la la -almost there.

–Geyhound, Port Authority

Overheard by: carly, gina, and jenna

Posted on April 30, 2008
All Wednesday One-Liners, Body Parts, Books & Writing, Bus Drivers, Compare/Contrast, Compliments, Cops, Coworkers, Cum, Druggies, Gripes, Guys, Handicaps, Hobos, Homeless, Money & Class, Music, Names, Offers and requests, On the Subway, Pick-up Lines, Port Authority, Public Transportation, Retards & Handicaps, Singing, Subway stations, platforms, etc., The Village, Union Square and East Village, Upper West Side & Lincoln Center, Wall Street, TriBeCa, South Street Seaport, Weirdness

Why Did the Wednesday One-Liners Cross the Road?

Running jaywalker: The worst car to get hit by is a Mini Cooper!

–University & 10th St

Overheard by: Knows trucks that beg to differ

Old man crossing the street, on cell: I’m crossing the fucking street!

–42nd & Broadway

Guy wearing yarmulke, to friend: Hey, watch out! Just because you’re Jewish doesn’t mean cars won’t run you over.

–Columbus Circle

Tourist suit to other suit: New Yorkers are so rude. Just wait till you see how they all cross the street at red lights!

–Metro North Train to Grand Central

Overheard by: Courtney Messer

Cop on loudspeaker, to Asian bimbo tourist trying to walk down the middle of Canal St: Sidewalks are open to the public. Please use them.

–Canal Street

Overheard by: F Tourists

[Two cops are waiting at the light. A woman jaywalks and almost gets hit by a car.]
Male cop: Phew! That would have been a lot of paper work.

–44th & Broadway

Overheard by: Aimee

Posted on April 30, 2008
Accidents, Advice, Ahhh! Real New Yorkers, All Wednesday One-Liners, Cars and Driving, Compare/Contrast, Cops, Coworkers, Etiquette, Friends, Gripes, Jews, Jobs & Careers, Judaism, Men, Midtown & Hell's Kitchen, Offers and requests, Old People, On Cell, Only in New York, Suits, The Village, Tourists, Trains Not Subway, Union Square and East Village, Weirdness

What’s It Called When the Government Does It?

Cop: You can’t take pictures in the subway.
Cameraman’s friend: Why not?
Cop: It’s against the law.
Cameraman’s friend: Why is that?
Cop: Ever heard of a little thing called terrorism?

–High Street Brooklyn Bridge A/C Station

Posted on April 14, 2008
Brooklyn, Cops, Default, Friends, Offers and requests, Questions, Strangers, Subway stations, platforms, etc., Terrorism, Words

God Bless Wednesday One-Liners

Cop: There are no downtown express trains! I repeat, there are no downtown express trains. If you have a problem with that, take it up with the President of the United States!

–Penn Station

Overheard by: Trixie

Suit on cell: The problem with Canada is that it’s not the U.S.

–129th St, Harlem

Overheard by: Koen

Black guy on cell: Yeah, what is Condoleezza Rice, anyway? I think she’s Puerto Rican or Dominican. She’s definitely not American.

–Barnes & Noble, W 66th St

Black guy to white friend eating lunch: Ah, yes, the American dream: doing nothing while eating a sandwich.

–Stuyvesant High

Hobo: Thirty-two-gallon garbage can — who wants this beautiful 32-gallon garbage can? Made right here in the US-of-A! Come on, people! It’s an American product at Mexican prices. Now, what’s my first bid?

–4th Ave & Atlantic

Overheard by: Mike N

Large black lady on cell: I know, right? Osama bin Laden is like the Uncle Sam of America!

–CVS Pharmacy

Posted on April 2, 2008
Advice, All Wednesday One-Liners, Black People, Business and Commerce, Cops, Default, Food, Friends, Global Geography, Government, Harlem & Morningside Heights, History & Geography, Hobos, Midtown & Hell's Kitchen, Offers and requests, On Cell, Penn Station, Physical appearance, Politics, President, Public Transportation, Store, Street, Stuyvesant Town, Suits, Terrorism, Weirdness, Women

Sarcasm is His Anti-Drug, but Only When He’s High

Cop: Peace and love, you hear me? Peace and love. Peace and love. Fucking peace and love.
Tourist: I just want to know where track four is…
Cop: Peace and love! Now get the fuck out of my train station!

–Penn Station

Posted on March 20, 2008
Advice, Anger Management, Compare/Contrast, Cops, Default, Insults, Offers and requests, Penn Station, Public Transportation, Questions, Violence, Weirdness

Another Fine New York Tradition

Fat guy, caught illegally parked to buy and gobble a hot dog: It’s a New York Tradition.
Cop: Move your car, or that’s going to be a hundred and fifty dollar hot dog.

–Grey’s Papaya, 8th Ave

Posted on March 7, 2008
Chelsea & the Meatpacking District, Comebacks, Cops, Default, Fat People, Junk Food & Fast Food, Offers and requests

Shortest Law & Order Episode Ever

Bag lady: Please, can someone help me? Call 911…
Cop: You’re talking to a goddamn cop! Are you fucking retarded?

–Times Square

Posted on March 1, 2008
Bag ladies, Cops, Default, Insults, Offers and requests, Stupidity, Times Square

Wednesday One-Liners Fought the Law and the Law Won

Annoyed white girl: That cop with the flashlight was, like, shining it on my ass! So I was like, ‘Stop! I know my congressional rights, bitch!’

–Bus from Live Earth to Port Authority

Overheard by: Kevin

20-ish guy on cell: Yeah… Yeah, I talked to the cops, too! I told them I would kick her fucking jaw in if I didn’t get my money! Ma… Yeah, Ma, you know I don’t care!

–Thompson St, between W 3rd & Bleecker

Overheard by: The Simian Space Man

Conductor over intercom: Either we can have a peaceful ride uptown, or the police can ride with us. You decide [laughs maniacally].

–2 train

Overheard by: Ladle

[Hippie on bicycle loses concentration and crashes into lamppost.]

Cop in nearby squad car, over loudspeaker: Hahaha! Should’ve been more careful, or what?!

–42nd & 8th

Overheard by: Susan Laura

Chick: So, I’m up by Bryant Park, and there are all these cop cars lined up, and then one of them decides, ‘Okay, time to go!’ and he puts his siren on and pulls out, and all the rest of them following, all their sirens going whoop-buppa-whoop-whoop! And then I hear something that sounds like some guy going ‘whoop-buppa-whoop-whoop’ — like, he’s making siren noises — and I turn around, and there’s this cop… I guess the siren on his cop car wasn’t working or something, so he’s on the loudspeaker mic yelling, ‘Whoop-buppa-whoop-whoop!’ as they all zoom off down 42nd Street. It was crazy!

–14th & 7th

Overheard by: Rose Fox