And Given It a Reality Show Called Kirstie Alley's Big Life

Teenage girl: But it's not a squid, it's an octopus.
Father: It's a cephalopod.
Teenage girl: But if it just rose out of the water, all of a sudden, and grabbed hold of the bridge, what would people scream? “Help! It's a giant cephalopod!”?
Father: The more erudite among them would scream that, yes.
Teenage girl: (laughs)
Father: Actually, I think they would just scream, “Aaaarggghhh!”
Teenage girl: Stop it! People are staring!
Father: But I find it hard to believe that something that big could just sneak up on people.
Teenage girl: Yeah. If it existed, they would have found it by now.

–Brooklyn Bridge

Posted on June 5, 2015
Animals & Nature, Brooklyn, Dads, Height, Laughter, Teens, Words

Bootylicious Wednesday One-Liners

Gay guy on cell: And they had the guy with the biggest butt stand next to the guy with the second-biggest butt! Seriously, what is wrong with them?

–6th Ave & 12th

Woman getting on a crowded train, looking for a seat: See, I told you there would be a lot of behinds on this train!

–N Train

Overheard by: Some behind lucky enough to find a seat.

Thug to another: After I wipe his ass, I'm gonna beat his ass!

–86th & Park Ave

Woman on cell: So, what are you going to tell him? "Sorry, I can't marry you–your ass is broken"?

–1st & 23

Teen to friend: Why didn't he use a tennis racket? It would have left that waffle fry look on your ass.

–Bus to Penn Station

Skipping tween girl to metrosexual father: I've seen your butt, you know!

–72nd & Lexington Ave

Overheard by: Shannon

Posted on June 4, 2015
All Wednesday One-Liners, Ass, Backdoor, Cleanliness, Dads, Family Ties, Fighting and ass kicking, Friends, Marriage, Metrosexuals, Murray Hill and Gramercy, On Cell, On the Bus, On the Subway, One-liners, Penn Station, Physical appearance, Public Transportation, Queer guys, Questions, Sports, Street, Teens, The Village, Thugs, Tweens, Upper East Side, Wednesday One-Liners, Weirdness

Has “Fruit” Been Reclaimed Yet?

Dad: So what did you learn in school today?
Son: Ummm…a tomato is a fruit.
Dad: What? A tomato is a fruit?
Son: Yeah, cause it has seeds.
Dad: You’re telling me a tomato is a fruit? Is a pumpkin a fruit?
Son: Yeah, they have seeds.
Dad: What about a cucumber, is that a fruit?
Son: No.
Dad: What about a squash? A zucchini? You know what I think? I think you’re the fruit!
Son: No, I don’t have seeds.
Dad: …I’m not going there.

–Grand Central

Overheard by: Rehey

Posted on June 3, 2015
Dads, Education, Food, Grand Central, Innuendo, Insults, Kids, Manhattan, Parents, People, Places, School and studying, Sex, Topics, Train Station, Venues

He Won’t Even Shop at Banana Republic

Son: Dad, you want my banana?
Dad: Hell, no, I don’t want your banana! That don’t even sound right!

–M9 bus, Ave B

Overheard by: JennPee

Posted on May 31, 2015
Dads, Food, Kids, On the Bus

Wednesday One-Liners Have the Rainbow Connection

Gay man: Now that everything is lesbian, bi and transgender, I don't know if I can lead the committee anymore, 'cause I've got my gay male privilege.

–W 13th St

Man with clipboard: Do you have a moment for gay rights? (silence) C'mon, help support the people that made your clothes!

–10th St & 5th Ave

Overheard by: You mean 10-year olds in Honduras?

Thug teenage dad, about baby staring at effeminate Asian man: Oh shit, she's already got her gaydar on.

–4 Train

Chick to friends: I would be like the sluttiest gay guy and it would be totally awesome.

–Christopher St

Man: …and you know there are a ton of gays who have no problem taking it straight up the ass.

–Times Square

11-year-old thuggish boy: No homo, but he looks better than his sister.

–Bronx Playground

Black guy: I'm gay! I'm proud! I'm in the front seat! I'm gay! I'm proud! I'm in the front seat! I love guys!

–Union St & 8th Ave, Brooklyn

Posted on May 31, 2015
All Wednesday One-Liners, Always Bringing it Back to You!, Babies, Backdoor, Beauty, Black People, Boys, Brooklyn, Clothing, Compare/Contrast, Compliments, Dads, Gays and Lesbians, Gender issues, Girls, Guys, Men, Offers and requests, On the Subway, Queer guys, Sexuality, Teens, The Bronx, The Village, Thugs, Times Square, Trannies, Tweens, West Village, Wishes & desires

None Of the Classic Rockers Were Ever Troublemakers

Teen daughter: Amy Winehouse just won all the Grammys.
Father: That’s not right. They shouldn’t be doing shit like giving people in jail awards.

–26th & 9th

Posted on May 29, 2015
About Celebrities, Dads, Girls, Murray Hill and Gramercy, Music, Prison, Teens

Even Better Than Secaucus, Son

Young father: Here we are — New York City! The greatest city in the world.
Four-year-old son: Even better than Hoboken, Dad?

–Grand Central

Overheard by: Phil

Posted on May 29, 2015
Compare/Contrast, Dads, Global Geography, Grand Central, Kids, Questions, Travel

Wednesday One-liners for the Holidays

Guy: If I ever beat my kids during Christmas, this is the song I’d play.

–Ulysses, Pearl Street

Overheard by: Dennis Sugrue

Posted on May 28, 2015
All Wednesday One-Liners, Assholes, Dads, Guys, Holidays, Kids, Music, Parents, Violence

In Retrospect, The Cosby Show Was Boring.

Black kid to father: Dad, were you ever a slave?
Father: No, son.
Black kid: Was I ever a slave?
Father: No.
Black kid, sighing: Good.

–Doctor's Office, Upper East Side

Overheard by: Mike F.

Posted on May 24, 2015
Black People, Dads, History & Geography, Kids, Office, Questions, Race, Upper East Side

Isn't It Daddy's Job to Eat That?

Hispanic toddler, whining: Daddy, I want a corn dog!
Hispanic dad, completely serious: I'm going to punch you in the face.
Hispanic mother: Coño!

–6th & 3rd

Overheard by: Jesse H.

Posted on May 17, 2015
Dads, Families, Junk Food & Fast Food, Kids, Latinos, Moms, Offers and requests, Parents, Punch, Threats, Union Square and East Village, Wishes & desires

Dads

Isn't It Daddy's Job to Eat That?