Disgusted mother to little girl who picked up a Swedish fish she dropped on the bus floor: Don't eat that.
Little girl, dusting it off: It's okay, I'll kiss it up to god.
Mother: Don't you dare put that in your mouth. You have no idea what was on the floor.
Little girl, putting it in her mouth and chewing it: It's okay! I kissed it up to god! (swallows it) What are you going to do about it?
Mother, angrily: I'm not going to do anything. You're just going to die.
–Q18 Bus
N train conductor: Ladies and gentlemen, "stand clear of the closing doors" does not mean "throw yourself into the closing doors inflicting bodily harm to yourself."
–N Train
Sassy male train conductor: Yo! Release the doors so the train can leave the station! There's another train behind this one. We can wait here all day, ladies and gentlemen, I'm already at work. (pause) Okay, well it seems that people just aren't ready to move yet! Oh…oh…there we go! Well done! How about a round of applause?
–A Downtown Express
Train conductor over loudspeaker: We're having a problem with the doors. That's not me closing them on you. These doors have a mind of their own.
–NJ Transit
Conductor: Ladies and gentlemen, please stand clear of the closing doors. If I catch you holding the doors open, I will push you off the train and if you don't die, then you'll have to catch the next one.
–NJ Transit
Irate conductor: Ladies and gentleman, putting your baby stroller between the closing doors is a wonderful way to show your child that you care. It will also save on college tuition. There will be another q train, but there will never be another baby like that one. Please stand clear of the closing doors.
–Q Train
Overheard by: Himani
Large man, in t-shirt and shorts, on cell: So I gave my ex-new-girlfriend…
Small man: Ex-new-girlfriend?!
Large man: Let me finish…I gave her a tour of my apartment, and when she asked why my closet door looked like it was about to come off its hinges I told her I had dead babies in there, as a joke. Apparently, her brother died when he was three months old.
–5th & E 78th
Three-year-old girl: Do you get lots of clothes when you die?
Jamaican nanny: No, not at all. Your daddy will be gone, and your mommy will be gone, and your sister will be gone, and your grandma will be gone. You will be all alone.
–Central Park
Overheard by: Louis
Loud, obnoxious man: I hate loud, obnoxious people!
–Nomad Restaurant
Girl with brutal Long Island twang: It's just, like, if you have a Boston accent, you sound, like, so unintelligent. Like, less intelligent than other people, even if you're smart. The accent makes you sound dumb.
–7 Train
Overheard by: IDigGraves94
Angry black woman: Fuck you! I'm a lady!
–Herald Square
Overheard by: Annearchist
Flamboyantly gay man on the phone: Mom, I hate you, stop being such a faggot!
–46th & 5th
Suit on cell: Yeah? Well, she's a bitch and deserves to die. You wanna know why? Because she's ugly and she talks bad about people.
–47th St & 9th Ave
Tourist chick carrying a Starbucks coffee and three shopping bags to friend: We are the type to visit Wall Street and say capitalism is bullshit!
–Broadway & Cedar
Overheard by: mondoman
Cheerful man with baby strapped to his chest: Lets all go stick our heads in the microwave!
–77th & Broadway
Overheard by: rachel
40-something man: They just upped my credit limit to $3,500, so on top of the few hundred I have saved up, I guess you could call me a ghetto millionaire… (later) So she's all depressed and wants to kill herself, says she's gonna jump off something. I told her, "Girl, you live in Duluth. You jump off anything there, the only thing that'll happen is you'll break your leg.
–NJ Transit
Overheard by: He later used my shoulder as a pillow
Girl on cell: What a fucking selfish bitch. I can't believe she did that. I mean, I know she was like depressed or whatever, but you don't just hang yourself at your ex-boyfriend's house. (pause) No, I'm sorry, you don't just wait for everyone to go to sleep, sneak out, and hang yourself so then everyone has to find you like that. What a bitch.
–Megabus NYC
Overheard by: Tina
MTA employee, in between ordering food: They're all jumping on the tracks now. Everybody's committing suicide. They used to wait until Christmas. Now it's every day!
–Restaurant, Kew Gardens
Overheard by: Abbieprime
Frat boy: So, where are you going for the summer?
Preppy girl: Dead babies.
–C Train
Overheard by: Jacob
Disrespectful dude: We don't respect our old people here. Just makes more sense.
–Penn Station
Boisterous, deep voiced, West Indian woman: Miss, if you want respect, you must give respect! (pause) What the fuck are you gonna do about it? (pause) Miss, we will fight and we will die on this bus!
–Bus, Church Ave
Overheard by: Dena C.
Conductor: Please step away from the doors. (pause) I'm asking you in a nice way to please step away from the doors. (pause) If you do it out of respect for me, or, um, I guess, you don't have to, but at least respect the other passengers.
–Downtown 6 Train
Overheard by: Vivi
Guy: Yeah, I would never fart in her face, that's disrespectful.
–Madison Sqaure Garden
Overheard by: adelynn
Emphatic bakery delivery man to store manager: You guys don't respect my bread.
–46th St & 43rd Ave, Queens
Overheard by: Anna Rose
Guy on cell: I lost all respect for her after she fucked the ice cream man.
–Dust Bowl, Central Park
Overheard by: Jay Softe
Guy drinking wine: Coming to work wasted is frowned upon, but also lovingly embraced.
–Tartine, West Village
Fake bag hawker to woman in suit with briefcase: Can I get a job, miss? Are you hiring, miss?
–Canal St
Suit: When I die, don't go to my funeral, just go to work.
–33rd St &3rd Ave
Crazy girl on cell: All I know is that I need a really fucking good job with no fucking drug test.
–Museum of Natural History
Overheard by: Sam Fez
Weird guy to girl: I mean, I come home from work not feeling sexy at all. (subway car screeches) It's not exactly the most testosterone-filled job there is. (car screeches loudly again, then guy starts using hand motions) I have no idea how to get in the mood again!
–6 Train
Overheard by: fresca
Boss to peon: And grab Mary. (pause) Gently.
–Broadway
Black guy in suit to stranger at same table: Oh, so you're married! I'm so sorry, I didn't realize.
White guy in suit: Oh, no worries, it doesn't mean I'm dead or anything.
Black suit: Are you faithful?
White suit (pausing for a couple of seconds): Sometimes.
–Starbucks, 23rd & 8th
Overheard by: Joe
