Food

Wednesday One-Liners Make the Beast With Two Backs

Overweight hobo: The only things I look forward to in life are mayonnaise and sex!

–57th & 7th

Woman on cell: When sex turns into math, you’ve got trouble on your hands.

–Union Square

Overheard by: McFreaky

Chick, screaming into cell: What a bitch! I swear, it’s getting harder and harder to fuck your co-worker and get away without people finding out!

–JFK

Overheard by: Pixie

Realist on cell: Well you can’t expect every guy you sleep with to call you back.

–53rd & 6th

Man to female date: So, basically, you sleep with people out of hilarity?

–St Mark’s & 2nd

Overheard by: Diane

Business woman: No, I told her I’d rather have sex with my husband than buy her products. And then she hung up on me.

–Chipotle, 22nd & 6th

We’ve Taken the Calories in This KFC Chicken and Replaced Them With Styrofoam. Let’s See If Our Diners Notice the Difference!

Cashier #1: I’ve tried to lose weight, but it’s hard.
Cashier #2: You just need a diet chicken.
Cashier #1, after a pause: What the hell is a diet chicken?

–Duane Reade, 34th & 8th

Overheard by: Candy

Wednesday One-Liners Are Still Behind

Brooklyn guy: All I’m sayin’ is it goes without sayin’.

–Brooklyn bound D train

Overheard by: Robert Barry Francos

Hoochie on cell: I don’t want that. I’m looking for sauce. Sauce sauce sauce sauce sauce! S-A-U-S-C-E. Sauce!

–Waldbaum’s, Whitestone, Queens

Overheard by: Liz the Overheardista

Teen girl: Do you think Christmas will ever be on Friday the 13th?

–Times Square

Woman in elevator: She said 13…Where’s 13? What the… fuck? There’s no 13. Should I press 12? Or 14? What?…She said 13. Well I’ll just press both.

–22nd & Broadway

Overheard by: staring at the button for 13

Elderly woman, regarding painting: Would you look at the detail he put into this. It almost looks two dimensional.

–The Met

Overheard by: s.gothman

Tween boy: Did the dinosaurs come before or after Bible times?

–Museum of Natural History

Overheard by: Omg! He did not just ask that!

Where the Probability Approaches 100% That There Exist Black People

Geek #1: Let’s just eat at Applebee’s.
Geek #2: Dude, that’s like the most expensive Applebee’s in the universe.
Geek #1: Not “like”. Literally, it is the most expensive Applebee’s in the universe.
Geek #2: Ah, not so. In a constantly expanding universe, the probability approaches 100% that somewhere out there exists a more expensive Applebee’s.
Geek #1: …Let’s just eat at KFC.

–Times Square

Overheard by: Jeff

At the Sanitarium, Mad Crab Legs Was to Encounter Mad Horny, Her Arch-Nemesis

Black woman #1: I love crab legs. I’ma go home tonight and cook mad crab legs and suck the meat out.
Black woman #2: Fuck dat, I’ma go to Coney Island, get some clams. Put some hot sauce and some butter on that shits. Go home and get freaky with my old man. Shellfish get me mad horny.

–Brooklyn Family Court

Wednesday One-Liners Are Black and White and Read All Over

White girl on cell: Wait, you’re watching BET? Well, do you feel black and/or entertained?

–Union Square

Overheard by: Casey

Black guy: So you see, white bitches just don’t understand that I have a big ass penis.

–St. Mark’s

Teenage black girl: See those buildings over there? That’s where I stay. Yeah, it’s nice and shit. I like it. Too many white people moved in, though. That’s why I’m KKK…Krazy Kracker Killa!

–Uptown 1 train

Overheard by: aq

Black guy to white girl: You’d better not stay in the rain too long; sugar melts!

–117th & 5th

Overheard by: robin b

JAP: It’s not like I don’t like his parties, I just don’t fit in. Hello! I’m white!

–8th St & 5th Ave

Black guy: Well I have black friends, but they just don’t understand. You know what I’m sayin’? Certain races, dog.

–LIRR

Overheard by: Jess McGins

Ghetto girl: What was these two white bitches doing in Harlem at 2:30 in the morning? You know how white they was? They so white they names was Ashley and Haley. That’s how white they was!

–Uptown 5 train

Midwestern tourist points to a black guy and says, to his tween daughter: You see that guy over there? You see how he’s a different color than you? You see that sometimes in big cities.

–Downtown 6 train

Overheard by: Gwen

Black girl to black friend: Yo, man, you’re acting like a black person.

–N train, Ditmars Blvd, Queens

Juicer: Oh, shit! We got customers in the store! We gotta stop acting so black!

–Jamba Juice, University Place

Frustrated woman, who has been trying in vain to hail a cab: What am I, black?

–21st & 6th

Black girl to black friend: We never gonna get a cab unless we start hangin’ with some white folks.

–Orchard & Houston

Overheard by: white folk

Teenage girl: But Bob Dylan is Jewish. That’s kind of black.

–Upper West Side

Black girl: Why we gotta be black all the time? Why can’t we be white for two minutes?

–Wendy’s, W 34th St

JAP: I hate being white!

–66th & Broadway

White teen girl: Now I know what it feels like to be a minority.

–Chinatown

White woman to black woman: I feel like I understand the black struggle because I feel I was black in a past life.

–Penn Station

Thug on cell: Black people like catfish also, nigga!

–110th & Broadway

Overheard by: Mappy and Chocolate

Ghetto girl at crosswalk: Ooh, lil’ white man tells me to walk, so I’m walkin’!

–Times Square

Overheard by: bully

Witty Repartee Is One of the First Things to Go When the Brain Doesn’t Get Enough Glucose

Anorexic JAP: What, you couldn’t afford an entire outfit?
Obese woman in Britney Spears get-up: What, bitch, you couldn’t afford an entire meal?
Anorexic JAP: [silence]

–Uptown E train

Yes, Jessica, the Ones From the Sea

Girl #1: That falafel was super good! What’s it made out of?
Girl #2: Chickpeas.
Girl #1: Oh. You mean, like, from chickens?

–East Village

Overheard by: S.

They’re Great With Toe Jam and Peter’s Foot Skin

Tourist #1, looking at sign: What is a bunion?
Tourist #2: It sounds like something you can eat.
Tourist #1: Like an onion bun?
Tourist #2: Yeah, like that.
Tourist #1: Mmm, that makes me hungry. Let’s get some food when we get off the train.

–2 train

Overheard by: dubs

She Means the Middle East of Central Europe

Girl #1: Yo, all these places are Greek. Owned by people who are Greek, ya know?
Girl #2: That means they’re from the Middle East, right? Like Yugoslavia and shit.

–28th & Steinway, Astoria

Overheard by: Gregorio

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