Wednesday One-Liners Are Already Spending Their Rebate Checks

Father to son: You see, women do the shopping, so you gotta go to a good store to find a good woman.

–Penn Station

Overheard by: Trainspotter

Young boy to guy accompanying him: There are things that Americans can do better. We can burp a lot louder than Chileans. And we can spend a lot more money while shopping.

—Tom Crean: Antarctic Explorer performance, Irish Repertory Theatre

Overheard by: Michael Baker

Dude to friend: … So every time he signs for a purchase on a credit card, he signs it ‘Not valid’ and Best Buy was the only store that ever caught it!

–Burns St, Forest Hills

Woman seeing old friend, and pointing to man beside her: Yeah, this is my new husband. He buys me Neiman Marcus. My old husband bought me Stein Mart.

–C train

Overheard by: Sarah F.

Valley girl tourist to street sweeper: Excuse me, where’s the mall?

–34th & 7th

Overheard by: Really!

Posted on March 19, 2008
Advice, All Wednesday One-Liners, Boys, Business and Commerce, Chelsea & the Meatpacking District, Compare/Contrast, Crime and Punishment, Dads, Default, Etiquette, Farting & Burping, Foreigners, Girls, Guys, Idiots, Marriage, Money & Class, On the Subway, Penn Station, Queens, Questions, Shopping, Southerners, Teens, Tourists, Union Square and East Village, Women

Wednesday One-Liners Forget the Safe Word

Old lady to other: Oh… S & M… Do you like to be the dominant one?

–El Greco Diner, Brooklyn

Overheard by: Robert

Girl boarding elevator, to friend: So, it’s not good when you have to ask your boyfriend if he’s ever whipped himself… [Notices other people on elevator] Oops.

–Elevator, 34th & 1st

Chick to another: We all assume that one day you’ll be married with kids… Probably with a dungeon in the basement, but nonetheless.

–House party, 113th & Amsterdam

Overheard by: McFreaky

Leather goods hawker: I’ve got leather everything! Leather thongs, leather socks… I got a leather condom with a zipper up the side!

–Orchard, near Rivington

Overheard by: losaida

Man: That Chinese lady liked it when I whipped you.

–G train

Overheard by: Jordan

TA to another: I love that we’ve been e-mailing about a student’s paper under the subject line ‘Fetish Ball.’

–Columbia University

Overheard by: Wild Dog Boy

Small child, happily: … And that’s the kind of pain that never goes away!

–1 train

Overheard by: Emily Star

Posted on March 19, 2008
Brooklyn, Clothing, Columbia (& Barnard), Condoms, Default, Education, Elevators, Etiquette, Foreigners, Girls, Guys, Harlem & Morningside Heights, Internet, Kids, Ladies Who Lunch, Lower East Side, Marriage, Masturbation, Murray Hill and Gramercy, Offers and requests, Old People, On the Subway, Questions, Restaurants & Cafes, S&M, Street, Teachers/Professors, Upper West Side & Lincoln Center, Weirdness, Words

Wednesday One-Liners Were “Working Late”

Drunk woman: I won’t sleep with people when I’m drunk. I’m not like that. I get drunk and I punch people in the face… I’m totally against infidelity. I can’t deal with that. I mean, I’ve been caught cheating lots of times, and it totally sucks.

–44th & 8th

Overheard by: Caitlin

Guy: So, he’s pissed off because he’s dating this fucking hot stripper — she’s, like, West of freaky — and he can’t tell anybody because they’re all friends with his fiancé and would tell her.

–Brooklyn-bound D train, Atlantic Ave stop

Overheard by: just visiting

Girl on cell: Sorry, I’m on my way to the airport. It was either go to Michigan or cheat on my boyfriend… No, I’m going to Michigan.

–125th & Broadway

Overheard by: Cat Darcy

German girl, after breaking kiss with another chick: Don’t worry about my husband too much…

–Frost St, Greenpoint

Overheard by: jayloo

Black man on cell: … So I put my hand between her legs… Nah, she wasn’t wearing any panties… She’s mad cool, but she’s married…

–Q46 bus

Overheard by: Izabela

Ghetto mama: … And I said to her, ‘No, I did not fuck yo’ husband. But I did let him eat my pussy!’

–Nostrand Ave

Overheard by: Kris S.

Posted on March 12, 2008
Advice, Black People, Brooklyn, Dating, Default, Drunks, Eating Out, Foreigners, Ghetto Chicks, Girls, Gripes, Guys, Infidelity, Manhattan, Midtown & Hell's Kitchen, On Cell, On the Bus, On the Subway, Punch, Strippers, U.S. Geography, Upper West Side & Lincoln Center

Hey, Wednesday One-Liners, Cold Enough for You?

Woman on Bluetooth: How’s the weather like in your New York?

–33rd & Broadway

Old lady: Geez! Man! It is really cold here! [Looks at other lady] This is why I live in Brooklyn!

–96th & Broadway

Brit tourist to another: Eeee, I knew it were gonna be cold, but I forgot we’d have to, like, go outside.

–Central Park

Overheard by: birdw0rks

Chick on cell: Why can’t you pick me up, Dad? … I don’t want to wait for the bus — it’s too cold out… Okay, thanks. See you later. [Hangs up phone.] Asshole.

–Bronx-bound 4 train

Overheard by: Sternie

Queer hipster: It’s gonna be cold this weekend. Like, negative four or negative zero.

–Essex Restaurant, LES

Pilot: Welcome aboard our plane this afternoon, with direct service to Atlanta. The current weather in Atlanta is actually colder than it is here, so it sucks to be you.

–LaGuardia

Overheard by: jaybrrd

Posted on March 5, 2008
At the Airport, Central Park, Chelsea & the Meatpacking District, Compare/Contrast, Default, Foreigners, Girls, Gripes, Hipsters, Insults, NYC Geography, Old People, On Cell, On the Subway, Pilots, Public Transportation, Queer guys, Questions, Restaurants & Cafes, Stupidity, U.S. Geography, Upper West Side & Lincoln Center, Weather, Women

Now She’s Drying Off with Her Wings!

Australian guy, shocked at pixie chick peeing on nearby steps: Does that girl not have her pants on?!
Australian girl, unaware: What? [Both turn to stare.]
Pixie chick’s guy friend: Yes, that’s right! She’s peeing!

–St. Mark’s Pl, between 1st Ave & Ave A

Overheard by: justin

Posted on March 4, 2008
Default, Foreigners, Girls, Guys, Pee, Union Square and East Village, Weirdness

Americans and Their Incomprehensible English

Tall foreign model #1: … And we nicknamed each other’s, you know, junk…
Tall foreign model #2: Really? What does he call yours?
Tall foreign model #1: He keeps calling it ‘Gina’ — I don’t get why.
Tall foreign model #2: Huh.

–12th & 4th

Posted on February 29, 2008
Default, Foreigners, Language Barrier, Models, The Village, Vagina, Words

What? The Native Americans Love That Joke

Security guy: Where you from?
Tourist: Amsterdam.
Security guy, gesturing broadly to the view: This was once all yours!

–Empire State Building

Posted on February 25, 2008
Default, Empire State Building, Foreigners, Global Geography, History & Geography, Security Guards, Tourists

Well, They Are Crackers

Dark-skinned immigrant: I had oral sex with two white women. My first time with white women.
Friend: How was it?
Dark-skinned immigrant: Ummm… Salty.

–Supreme Court, Bronx

Overheard by: Big Larry

Posted on February 4, 2008
Eating Out, Foreigners, Race, The Bronx

It Wasn’t a Dadaist Who Drew That Mustache on the Mona Lisa

Hipster to man pressing napkin against Annie Leibovitz picture to write down a number: What are you doing?! You can’t do that!
Russian man: Is okay — it happens.

–Brooklyn Museum

Overheard by: I swear, I didn’t know him!

Posted on February 4, 2008
Foreigners, Gripes, Hipsters, Museums

There Would Be No Further Booty Calls for Ian

American woman: I heard this song the other day — the lyrics were great.
British man: Hm?
American woman: It was almost as good as that one song — you know, that one that goes, ‘Ain’t no call like a booty call, ’cause a booty call just don’t stop.’
British man: Uh-huh.
American woman: The lyrics are all, ‘Looove is my religion. I’ll take you to the temple tonight.’
British man: Wow… Let’s just try to make some more really shitty metaphors, why don’t we?

–Choga, Bleecker St

Overheard by: Alice

Posted on January 31, 2008
Comebacks, Compliments, Foreigners, Men, Music, The Village, Women

Foreigners