The Best Zoo Party Ever Til’ Everything Went Totally Wrong

Girl #1: I like can’t even wait for going out tomorrow night, it will be so fun!
Girl #2: I know, but like, we are always the ones who plan our nights out.
Girl #1: Yeah, I know! But we are like so good at it, we should be PR girls! Or party planners!
Girl #2: Yeah! We could do child party planning, and like, we could take them to the zoo!
Girl #1: Oh my god, yeah! But we would have to bring alcohol for us.
Girl #2: Well, what would the kids do then?
Girl #1: I dunno, they could like go off and do their own thing while we drink, right?
Girl #2: Totally.

–The Bronx Zoo

Overheard by: kevin

Posted on May 9, 2015
Celebrations/Parties, Compliments, Drinking & Drunk People, Girls, Idiots, Jobs & Careers, Kids, Questions, The Bronx, Time

Um…That’s Sarah Jessica Parker

Girl: Whoa! That dog is huge!
Boy next to her: Um… That’s a horse.

–Times Square

Overheard by: I guess that’s a common mistake…

Posted on May 9, 2015
Animals & Nature, Boys, Compare/Contrast, Default, Girls, Kids, Times Square

Wednesday One-Liners Want You to Know About the Size of Their Bank Accounts

Yuppie on cell (trying to be discreet): Hey mom. Are you busy? Could you Google Maps me? I'm on Houston and West Broadway. Yeah, I didn't want to ask anyone for directions and make a fool of myself. Although I'm pretty sure I just did, because half of this coffee shop is looking at me now.

–W Houston

Overheard by: Let's face it, we were all new at one point.

40-something yuppie woman: And then I realized that my biggest problem in life is that most of the time I'm incredibly happy, but I'm not aware of how happy I am.

–81st & Madison

Yuppie dad to seven-year-old daughter: Now when you start buying iPods, that's when you're going to want to have a Visa card.

–Stanton & Christie

Overheard by: Ross

Three-year-old yuppie spawn: Noooooooooooo! I don't want Pad Thai! I want sushi!

–Dice Thai, Prospect Park

Overheard by: I'll take sushi too but you're payin', kid

Posted on May 6, 2015
All Wednesday One-Liners, Brooklyn, Compare/Contrast, Dads, Directions, Ethnic Food, Food, Google, Happiness, iPod, Kids, Lower East Side, Money & Class, Offers and requests, On Cell, Questions, Restaurants & Cafes, The Village, Upper East Side, Wishes & desires, Women, Yuppies

The Teacher Wanted to Make It Clear That the Correct Word is ‘Faggot’

8-year-old: Today Jahzeer and Wassef told Steven he was gay and lesbian! And Steven started to cry!
Older sister: Oh. And did you tell them that wasn’t very nice?
8-year-old: No. The teacher started yelling at them! It was very entertaining. I was excited to be there.

–Corona, Queens

Overheard by: Amy

Posted on May 6, 2015
Brothers, Elementary & Middle School, Etiquette, Gays and Lesbians, Insults, Kids, Queens, Sisters

I Don't Know, You Keep Changing Your Fucking Story

Small giggly daughter: Daddy, do lions drink soda?
Father: Yes.
Small giggly daughter: Daddy, lions don't drink soda!
Father: No, they don't. Soda's bad for you…don't you know that, sweetie?

–D Train

Overheard by: Caitlin

Headline by: Emily Leonard

Runners-Up:
· “Children Get Confused When Their Daddies Are Always Lion” – Matt Wozniski
· “Fanta Bad…Antelope Good” – Edmond “The Lurch” Kida
· “Here, Hold on to Daddy’s Cigarettes Like a Good Little Girl” – Katoe
· “Mastering Her Psychic Powers, Little Susie Soon Ruled the World” – Nick Pollotta
· “Nick Pollotta’s Got This Rigged” – psh
· “There Goes the Narnia Product Placement Deal” – Baby
· “This Would Be Funny If He Didn’t Have Alzheimer’s” – Muse on the Loose

Click here to see the new Headline Contest

Posted on May 5, 2015
Animals & Nature, Dads, Drinks, Headline Contest Winners, Kids, Lies, On the Subway, Parents, Questions

Wednesday One-Liner: What Is It Good For?

Cleaner: What a pair of tits on that girl! That's why we go to war, that's why we're in Iraq!

–Service Elevator, Lexington & 41st St

Overheard by: Nicky

Annoying chick, about John McCain: I mean, he was a POW because he fucked up!

–Shea Stadium

Overheard by: megan

Security guard, breaking up fight during peace march: You can't fight at the peace march! You can't fight at the peace march!

–143 & Malcolm X

Woman to screaming three-year-old: And that's why you have to register to vote! Or else they'll draft you and you'll have to go to war!

–33rd & 2nd

Girl on phone: I can just get a pass from the Israeli army. Don't worry about it. They're easy.

–NYU Palladium Dining Hall

Posted on May 4, 2015
Blue-collar workers, Compare/Contrast, Elevators, Fighting and ass kicking, Girls, Harlem & Morningside Heights, Iraq, Kids, Midtown & Hell's Kitchen, Murray Hill and Gramercy, NYU, On Cell, Politics, Rack, Security Guards, Shea Stadium, Stupidity, War, Weirdness, Women

How Does a Conversation Begin “People at the Circus Hide Their Nipples”?

Son #1: People at the circus hide their nipples.
Son #2: What about the three-nippled man?
Son #1: He shows his one at a time.
Son #2: So how can you be sure he isn't playing three nipple Monte?

–71st Ave

Overheard by: RAS

Posted on May 4, 2015
Kids, Nipples, Questions, Street, Weirdness

But How Will I Know if They’ll Fit Me?

Little boy, pointing to lacy panties: Daddy, I want some of those!
Dad: Son, when you’re older, girls are gonna be throwing you their panties.

–Victoria’s Secret

Posted on May 4, 2015
Dads, Kids, On Cell, Parents, Sex, Store

Your Editors Must Excuse Ourselves for a Moment

Mother: Just a few more blocks, honey.
Six-year-old girl: Oh… Okay.
(a few seconds later)
Six-year-old girl: Mommy, I really need to go now.
Mother: Just a few more blocks, Angie. A few more blocks.
Six-year-old girl: But mom, I can't wait.
Mother: You're doing good, Angie. Just a few more blocks. Calm down.
(long pause)
Six-year-old girl: Mommy!
Mother, annoyed: What?
Girl: It's… coming out of my vagina!

–E 86th St

Overheard by: Dylan Sparrow

Posted on May 4, 2015
Kids, Moms, Parents, Pee, Upper East Side, Vagina

Wednesday One-Liners– Just Like Mom Used to Make!

Man to girlfriend: You know, I was never going to tell you this, but I really dislike your mother.

–M08 Bus

20-something girl on cell: Mmm-hmm. Oh, sweetie, I'm sorry he's such a jerk. (pause) Mmm-hmm. (pause, suddenly very angrily) Well, ain't no man allowed to say your mom isn't special!

–207th St & Broadway

Slob college kid: Why would I be staring at your mom's fifty-five-year-old ass, Rachel? No, wait, my mom's fifty-five… Why would I be staring at your mom's fifty-yea-old ass?

–LIRR

Teen girl setting up voicemail on phone: Hey! This is Katy. If you're not my mother, please leave a message.

–Metro-North Rail

Nanny to little boy sticking head under her top: No, no sweetie. See, this is something I would have to tell mommy about.

–42nd St & Lexington

Overheard by: Carolyn

Posted on May 3, 2015
Age/Aging, All Wednesday One-Liners, Anger Management, Apologies, Ass, Bus, Couples, Family Ties, Frat Boys, Girlfriends, Girls, Gripes, Insults, Kids, Men, Midtown & Hell's Kitchen, On Cell, On the Bus, One-liners, Parents, Physical appearance, Teens, Trains Not Subway, Washington Heights and Inwood, Wednesday One-Liners, Weirdness

Kids