Wednesday One-Liners, Literally

Man on cell, authoritatively: Ejaculate!

–14th b/w 3rd & 4th

Mother to curious little girl reaching out to touch Wall Street bull's testicles: No! (yanks her away)

–Bowling Green

Woman shouting across a grassy field: Slutbots!

–McCarren Park, Brooklyn

(intercom beeps 10 times)
Train conductor, over intercom: Shit.
(intercom continues to beep)

–Hudson Line Train

Man on bike speeding along Brooklyn Bridge walkway: Pussyhoooollleeeeee!

–Brooklyn Bridge

Quiet, older gentleman sipping coffee, leafing through newspaper: Motherfuckers!

–Barnes & Noble Coffee Bar, Broadway

Overheard by: Suze V

Posted on January 22, 2016
All Wednesday One-Liners, Animals & Nature, Balls, Brooklyn, Conductors, Cum, Insults, Kids, Men, Moms, Old People, On Cell, One-liners, Parents, Parks, Passengers, Public Transportation, Restaurants & Cafes, Street, Trains Not Subway, Union Square and East Village, Vagina, Visual Art, Wall Street, TriBeCa, South Street Seaport, Wednesday One-Liners, Weirdness, Women

Aw Jeez, I’m Sorry –Don’t Fuckin’ Cry, Okay?

McSuit #1: Do you wanna head to the subway?
McSuit #2: You mean Subway, like the restaurant?
McSuit #1: No, I mean subway, like the fuckin’ subway.

–7th & Bowery

Posted on December 22, 2015
Compare/Contrast, Coworkers, Offers and requests, Public Transportation, Questions, Suits, Union Square and East Village, Violence, Words

The Liquid Assets Of Wednesday One-Liners

Conductor: Ladies and gentlemen, we apologize for the delay. There is a problem with a signal and there are trains in front of us. The good news is, there's a bar car!

–Metro North

Overheard by: Anna

Obese lady buying pork chops to obese friend: I be cutting down on on soda.

–Troy Ave & Park Place

Exasperated woman: And he was drinking Jack Daniels before he even got to my place…

–3rd & 6th

Overheard by: j

Female suit on cell: Well, what do you expect? It was green Gatorade and grain alcohol!

–Broadway & 54th St

Overheard by: Loren

Bag lady to another: Listen, Alice, if you don't want to lose your leg, you gotta drink water, they'll take your legs otherwise.

–42nd St & 3rd Ave

Overheard by: Robin

Frantic woman on cell: Oh my god! There is no soy milk anywhere in this city! (sprints out of Starbucks)

–Starbucks, Times Square

Overheard by: ellie

Tough guy outside bar with friends: So I like apple juice. What the fuck?

–East Village

Posted on December 16, 2015
Advice, All Wednesday One-Liners, Bag ladies, Body Parts, Brooklyn, Conductors, Diet/Weight, Drinking & Drunk People, Drinks, Fat People, Friends, Guys, Health and Hygiene, Midtown & Hell's Kitchen, On Cell, One-liners, Passengers, Public Transportation, Starbucks, Suits, Time, Times Square, Trains Not Subway, Union Square and East Village, Vegetarian & Vegan, Wednesday One-Liners, Weirdness, Women

Wednesday One-Liners Put Them on One Leg at a Time

Boy to girl: Does it look like my ass is eating my pants?

–Brooklyn Tech

Overheard by: Julie

Eight-year old girl: It’s not me, it’s the pants! It’s the pants!

–81st & Roosevelt Ave

Overheard by: Jobee

Woman on cell: No. No. Absolutely not. Look, would you please put some pants on?

–8th & Broadway

Cop to his cop friends: My buns don’t look good in these pants. But hey, what can you do? It’s part of the uniform.

–Times Square Shuttle Station

Overheard by: Heather

Girl on cell: Do you have to shit? Oh… So go in your pants!

–Union Square

Overheard by: Shira

Incredulous thug to friend: You drop your pants to hop the train?

–W. Houston & 1st Ave

Overheard by: Jon A.

Posted on November 27, 2015
All Wednesday One-Liners, Ass, Boys, Brooklyn, Clothing, Cops, Coworkers, Fast Times at New York High, Friends, Girls, Kids, Nudity, Offers and requests, On Cell, Physical appearance, Poop, Public Transportation, Queens, Questions, Subway stations, platforms, etc., The Village, Thugs, Times Square, Union Square and East Village, Weirdness, Women

Wednesday One-Liners Keep Their Eyes Peeled for Movie Stars

Tourist backpacker with hands on subway doors: Do these open on their own?

–1 Train

Tourist mom to uncool son: Well, that's what you get for trying to be a hipster!

–Union Square Park

Overheard by: j

Tourist: Holy moly, look at that Olive Garden! It's huge! I wish I lived here!
(takes a picture of the restaurant)

–Times Square

Obese Midwestern woman to obese Midwestern man: Oooh, Applebee's… Now I feel at home here!

–Times Square

Southern tourist guy: I thought people in Greenwich Village would look stranger.

–Bleecker Street

Tourist from west coast, after observing the locals for a few innings: You know, Seinfeld makes so much more sense to me now.

–Cheap Seats, Coney Island Cyclones

Overheard by: Kevin Eliasen

Posted on November 11, 2015
All Wednesday One-Liners, Compare/Contrast, Coney Island, Fat People, Food, Midwesterners, Moms, On the Subway, Public Transportation, Questions, Southerners, Times Square, Tourism, Tourists, TV, Union Square and East Village, Wishes & desires

That's Just How New Yorkers Say “Sorry”

Guy to cabbie: Hi, can you take me to Queens?
Cabbie: Can't you see I have passengers?
Passenger, rolling down window: Hi, we're in here.
Guy: Thank you! You are an asshole!

–6th Ave & W 4th

Overheard by: James

Posted on October 28, 2015
Cabbies, Directions, Guys, Insults, Passengers, Public Transportation, The Village

Oh! The Fucking Places You’ll Go!

Conductor: Everything’s running normal this weekend.
Black woman: Everything runnin’ normal this weekend? Shit, I could take this train to fuckin’… fuckin’ anywhere!

–Q train

Overheard by: office peon

Headline by: Marc

Runners-Up:

· “Alice in Wonderland, New York Style” – Anastasia Poushkareva

· “Around the Hood in Eighty Days” – ad neal

· “I Meant My Colon” – I Got Real Mail

· “Just a fuckin’ small town girl, livin’ in a fuckin’ lonely world…” – karaoke queen

· “Transfers available to up your ass and go fuck yourself.” – mark manne

· “Why Reading Rainbow and drugs don’t mix” – mike

Click here to see the new Headline Contest

Posted on October 18, 2015
Black People, Conductors, Headline Contest Winners, Insults, On the Subway, Public Transportation, Wishes & desires, Women

If Only the Conductor Could Hear That Witty Retort…

Conductor: Ladies and gentlemen, there is a smoke condition at Chambers Street. We will be delayed pulling into 42nd Street.
Teen boy: What the fuck is a smoke condition? My mom has a smoke condition. Subways don’t.

–1 train

Posted on October 16, 2015
Conductors, Guys, On the Subway, Parents, Public Transportation, Teens

Well, It Is the Number Two Train

(a very obnoxious, lingering fart was dropped and filled the entire car during rush hour)
Teen girl to friend: Ohmigod! Let’s get out of here, it smells like shit!
Old man, five minutes later: What’s the matter with you fucking people? Somebody open up a god damned window!

–2 Train