Watch Out! They’re About to Explode!

Guy: You see that bum? He wouldn’t even look me in the eye. I know him from the Bronx. Evvverybody knows everybody in the Bronx, especially if you do drugs. He’s a liar…His daughter did die, but 3 years ago. He got so much money hustlin’ on the D train, but now they all know it’s bullshit, so he came all the way to Queens….what, he gotta bury his daughter every year? He gonna ask for money when the girl died 20 yrs ago?…And if you don’t got money for a burial, the city gives it to you. He fulla shit.

–7 train

Overheard by: MR

Standing in line is a guy with a massive 12-roll pack of toilet paper. His buddy comes up to join him and says: I always knew you were full of shit.

–Rite Aid, Irving Place

Overheard by: Vera Farrelly

Posted on July 15, 2015
Death, Drugs, Homeless, Lies, Manhattan, Midtown & Hell's Kitchen, Poop, Public Transportation, Queens, Store, The Bronx

At Least Our Nipples Are Perky!

(at the freezer section)
Dumb blond mom: Jesus, why’s it gotta be so cold in here?
Dumb blond daughter: Oh god, I know! Like it’s not cold enough outside.

–PathMart, Forest Ave

Overheard by: Ben

Posted on July 7, 2015
Default, Girls, Gripes, Idiots, Moms, Queens, Questions, Sensory Experiences, Store, Stupidity, Weather

Neither Do They

Guy #1: You don’t sound British.
Guy #2: Well, I am.
Guy #1: Where are you from?
Guy #2: Scotland.
Guy #1: But you don’t sound like Oasis.

–Carroll Gardens

Posted on July 7, 2015
Global Geography, Idiots, Music, Queens, Stupidity

Sounds More Like King-sized

Girl: The last guy she slept with was eleven inches.
Guy: Well, she is from Queens.

–N train

Posted on June 30, 2015
Body Parts, On the Subway, Queens, Relationships, Sex, Sex & Relationships

Ew, Who Wednesday One-Linered?

Elderly janitor, watching pierced teenagers get in line: I'm gonna fart on one of these people.

–Broadway & Houston

Angry man on cell: They think they're so perfect, but I bet they piss and burp and fart like the rest of us.

–80th St & 34th Ave

Hobo: Can you spare some change? I need to buy some new underwear, I farted and shat in these.

–83rd St & Broadway

Overheard by: new girl in town

Tiny brunette: Have you ever had to pee so bad, and suddenly you fart and then you don't have to pee that badly anymore?

–7 Train

Young woman to friend: Yeah, and then she started fartin' a bunch. But she was farting out of her pussy. And Ashley got pissed, cause then, she started makin' a beat out of it.

–125th St & Lexington

Overheard by: Stephen

Posted on June 28, 2015
All Wednesday One-Liners, Anger Management, Cleanliness, Clerks, Clothing, Farting & Burping, Friends, Girls, Health and Hygiene, Hobos, Men, On Cell, On the Subway, One-liners, Panhandling, Pee, Physical appearance, Poop, Queens, Questions, Teens, The Village, Threats, Upper East Side, Upper West Side & Lincoln Center, Vagina, Wednesday One-Liners, Weirdness, Women

I Find It Hard to Breathe Surrounded by Walls of Corned Beef

Old lady: This is a full sandwich. I said half sandwich.
Waiter: What’s the big deal? I won’t charge you for the whole thing — just eat half.
Old lady: No, no, you don’t understand — I am claustrophobic.

–Flagship Diner, Queens

Posted on June 26, 2015
Food, Old People, Queens

Translation: You’re Going to Be a Daddy!

Fat lady: I wanna return this.
Store guy: Why?
Fat lady: Is too small, wanna large.
Guy: Receipt says you bought it a month ago; what happened to you?
Fat lady: I got pregnant, motherfucker!

–Foot Locker, Queens Mall

Overheard by: Steve Kinsella

Posted on June 20, 2015
Diet/Weight, Fat People, Health and Hygiene, People, Places, Pregnancy & Birth Control, Queens, Shopping, Topics

“C_k N__s” to the Orthodox

Teacher: So, “third person omniscient” means the narrator knows the thoughts and feelings of everyone in the story. It's almost like God is telling the story.
Student: Or Chuck Norris.

–Bard High School, Queens

Overheard by: Sunny

Posted on June 19, 2015
About Celebrities, Books & Writing, Compare/Contrast, Fast Times at New York High, God, Queens, Students, Teachers/Professors

…You Marvin-the-Martian Motherfuckers

Girl #1: You're making me very mad.
Boy: Well, you're making me very sad.
Girl #2: Both of you shut the fuck up right now.

–Bard High School, Queens

Overheard by: Sunny

Posted on June 16, 2015
Boys, Comebacks, Fast Times at New York High, Girls, Insults, Queens

…Why Does This Fit?

Mother: Here you go, honey. (hands clothing to daughter in dressing room)
Daughter: A 14? Mom, I'm a size 10! I know you think I'm morbidly obese, but…

–Bay Terrace, Queens

Overheard by: tinabee

Posted on June 16, 2015
Diet/Weight, Fashion, Girls, Height, Moms, Parents, Queens