Wednesday One-Liners: a Space Odyssey

30-something suit on cell: We live in an infinite universe. That means there are infinite possibilities. You are insignificant compared to the size of the universe. You mean absolutely fuck-all nothing, so get off your high horse and do what you're told.

–40th St & Madison Ave

Overheard by: Megan

Guy on cell: Dude, so how much more time do you have in Russia before you go into space?

–Ave A & 8th St

Overheard by: Daniella

Guy on cell: The subways are like the planets. Generally they're in their orbit, but you never know. (pause) Really? C'mon, Mars!

–Uptown C Train

Overheard by: furf

Three-year-old boy to adult family friend: I love you to outter space! Outter space goes upupupupup!

–West Village

Crazy man straddling bike: Goddamn! I can't believe I missed the last rocket ship to the moon! (in high-pitch voice) It's okay, man! There's another one in five minutes!
(back in normal voice) Okay, man, that's cool. Roger that.

–1st Ave & 1 St

Sales associate: They worked with NASA scientists. This is what the moon actually smells like.

–Home Fragrance Department, Bergdorf Goodman

Overheard by: Heather H.

Posted on January 13, 2010
Advice, All Wednesday One-Liners, Alphabet City, Animals & Nature, Astronomy, Clerks, Compare/Contrast, Crazies, Friends, Guys, Height, Kids, Love, Midtown & Hell's Kitchen, On Cell, On the Subway, One-liners, Philosophy, Public Transportation, Questions, Sensory Experiences, Store, Suits, Time, Union Square and East Village, Wednesday One-Liners, Weirdness, West Village

No Married Person Would Have to Ask

Guy: Why didn't you just leave?
Woman: I wanted to wait for you, idiot.
Guy: But I said you could just go.
Woman: Whatever, dick. This is exactly why I didn't want to go.
Guy: This is why I asked you. Why do you always have to be like this?
Woman: Why did you fucking ask me if you knew I wouldn't want to go?
Guy: Because you're my wife, and that's my family. I just always thought that I could bring my wife to a family party.
Random passenger: Are you two really married? Is that really your wife?
Guy: Yes.

–LIRR, Penn Station

Posted on January 12, 2010
Celebrations/Parties, Family Ties, Guys, Marriage, Nicknames & name calling, Penn Station, Questions, Strangers, Train Station, Trains Not Subway, Wishes & desires, Women

Which Is the Only Thing That Makes This Pee Wee Herman Costume Really Work

Drunk guy: First question! Who's having fun on Halloween?
Random guy in black mask: I'm having fun on Halloween!
Drunk guy: Second question! Who wants to see my cock?
(silence)

–N Train

Overheard by: Selina

Posted on January 11, 2010
Celebrations/Parties, Drunks, On the Subway, Penis, Questions, Strangers

Even the Bronx Won't Admit to That

Very dorky girl: Oh, do you live in the neighborhood?
Very nerdy guy: Yeah! In Teaneck.

–97th St & Columbus

Posted on January 10, 2010
Dorks, Geeks and Nerds, NYC Geography, Questions, Upper West Side & Lincoln Center

One Way to Get Kids to Take Subway Rides in Peace

Small girl dressed as pink fairy to woman next to her dressed in brown dress with a pentacle necklace: Hi. I like your costume.
Woman: Thank you, but it's not a costume.
(long pause)
Girl: What are you supposed to be, anyway?
Woman: A witch.
Girl: But you're not really a witch, right?
Woman: Yes, I am.
Girl: No, you're not!
Woman: Yes, I am.
Girl: You can't be a witch, you don't even have a wand!
(woman proceeds to pull wand out of her bookbag)
Girl: Eeee! Moooooooommy! She's going to turn me into a frooooog!

–A Train

Posted on January 10, 2010
Clothing, Compliments, Fears, Kids, Magic, On the Subway, Parents, Questions, Women

…Minus Five Years and Twenty Pounds.

Hobo to lady: Hey, can I have a dollar?
Lady to hobo: Why? You already have a bottle of liquor, what else you need?
Hobo to lady: A fine pretty thing like you.

–Lower East Side

Overheard by: I love NYC

Posted on January 9, 2010
Comebacks, Compliments, Drinking & Drunk People, Hobos, Lower East Side, Panhandling, Questions, Women

If Not, I'm Totally Writing-In Ricky Martin

High School student #1: So you're gonna vote?
High School student #2: Yeah, you get to miss first period when you vote.
High School student #1: Who you gonna vote for?
High School student #2: I dunno. I heard some Latino guy is running.

–Queens

Posted on January 9, 2010
Politics, Queens, Questions, Race, Students

Don't Torment the Homeless, Dude

Hobo: Spare some change, fine-lookin' sir?
Suit: Would your name by any chance be Henry?
Hobo: Do I look like a mothafuckin' Henry? Hell no!
Suit: Well, that would be a correct assumption, as Henrys are usually successful.
Hobo: Well then, are you a Henry?
Suit, proudly: Yeah.
Hobo: Spare some change, good-lookin' Henry?
Suit: Nah.

–1 Train

Overheard by: i could've been a henry

Posted on January 8, 2010
Compliments, Hobos, Insults, Names, On the Subway, Panhandling, Questions, Suits

Wednesday Will Punch You Right in the One-Liners

Man: I got beat up a lot in high school. It made me a better person.

–College of Staten Island

Overheard by: Incredibly Amused

Little boy: You best lay the smackdown on that hoe!

–Times Square

Student: I don't get why everyone is making such a big deal about Chris Brown hitting Rihanna, it's not like he's the first man to ever hit a girl. Get over it, world!

–Manhattan College, Riverdale, The Bronx

Overheard by: Stephen

Girl on cell outside beauty salon: If I didn't have things to do tonight, I would totally just slap the crap out of that girl. Seriously.

–Brooklyn

Overheard by: maybe tomorrow, then?

Woman on cell: I went through this with my daughter this morning. (pause) Yeah, okay, you can hit me, but you can't hit anybody else.

–Cookshop Restaurant

Posted on January 6, 2010
About Celebrities, All Wednesday One-Liners, Brooklyn, College, Education, Family Ties, Gender issues, Girls, Kids, Men, Music, Nicknames & name calling, On Cell, One-liners, Parents, Questions, Restaurants & Cafes, School and studying, Students, Stupidity, The Bronx, Threats, Times Square, Violence, Wednesday One-Liners, Weirdness, Women

Every One-Liner Has His Wednesday

Girl to friend: If it weren't for my sister's dog, I wouldn't have to drink during the day.

–Greenpoint

Overheard by: Kevin

Gay dude to another: It's so amazing how dogs get all up in there. Like, what if people had to introduce themselves that way? How great would it be if when I met you I had to sniff your ass?

–17th St & 8th Ave

Overheard by: BT

Girl on cell: So wait, did Dr Siegel really charge you 150 dollars to chop a pimple off the dog's booty?

–Hart & Irving, Brooklyn

Girl to guy: Ever spend a lot of time with a Shih Tzu?

–MacDougal & 3rd St

Female voice outside my window: And I'm keeping the dog leg–I don't even care what you have to say!

–113th St b/w Broadway & Amsterdam

Overheard by: Ladle