Teen thug #1: This weekend, I’m goin’ huntin’.
Teen thug #2: You goin’ kill Bambi?
Teen thug #1: Yeahhh, I’ll shoot that nigga!
–Staten Island Projects
Teen thug #1: This weekend, I’m goin’ huntin’.
Teen thug #2: You goin’ kill Bambi?
Teen thug #1: Yeahhh, I’ll shoot that nigga!
–Staten Island Projects
Guy #1: Did I tell you I saw a woman’s pussy on the train today?
Guy #2: Nah, man.
Guy #1: Yeah, this chick sat opposite me in the shortest skirt, and her pussy was just like, BAM! There!
Guy #2: No way! She had no panties?
Guy #1: Of course. She was Hispanic.
Guy #2: Was that shit shaved?
Guy #1: I… uhhh… It was definitely buzzed.
–12th & Washington
Hipster chick: … And she was wearing velvet?! Velvet! How can you wear velvet in this heat?!
Bicycle jock: Maybe it was CoolMax.
–F train
Overheard by: Braincurve
Tween boy, pointing at bumper sticker: Cool, Venezuela.
Guy unloading car: No, it says ‘Villanova.’
Tween: What’s that?
Guy: It’s a college.
Tween: Oh. [To himself] Is that in Venezuela?
Passerby: Yep.
–1st & 5th, Park Slope
Overheard by: Kate
Bus driver to lady at stop: There are three more buses behind me! They like to stick together! They don’t like to be alone!
–B41 bus
Bus drive: Next stop, Queensborough Community College — where dreams come true. If you ever thought of going back to college, but are too scared, thinking, ‘Oh, I’m too old,’ well, you should go to school. Now arriving at QCC… And remember, knowledge is power.
–Q27 Bayside bus
Overheard by: Caro-kun
Bus driver, about traffic jam: Ladies and gentlemen, Fifth Avenue will be the next stop. We will be arriving in seven to ten days. [Minutes later] Attention! The waiter will be around shortly to take your dinner orders. The next crosstown movie will be Gone with the Wind.
–M79 bus
Bus driver: Does anyone know the route once we get to the airport? If you do, please step forward.
–M60 bus to LaGuardia
Overheard by: Stephen B.
Bus driver to woman running towards the stop as the bus slows down: Calm down, lady! There isn’t any crack that way! Relax!
–Atlantic Ave
Bus driver, as passengers are disembarking: Leave my kingdom. Education is just two minutes away.
–B1 bus, Kingsborough College
Overheard by: Robert
Woman on crowded train: They’re gonna make me eat the pole.
–E train
Overheard by: wish i had a pole to hold on to
Man to androgynous passenger: Are we going out on a date later? Because if we aren’t, you better get off of me!
–Crowded Q27 bus
Conductor on PA: To put it simply, get in where you fit in!
–C train
Overheard by: Maggie
Bus driver: Move it back, people, it’s crowded. It’s gonna get tight back there. But you know what I always say — ‘If it’s tight, it’s alright.’
–10th St & Ave D
Conductor, as his crowded train pulls into the station: Well, whaddya know?! More people.
–F train, Broadway & Lafayette
Overheard by: da sarkastik ninja.
Conductor: Please step out onto the platform to enter the first five cars… [Couple tries to go through conductor’s booth.] Please step out onto the platform… [Couple keeps trying to open door.] Please step out onto the platform! [Couple tries again.] Step out onto the platform! Oh my god!
–1 train
Conductor to two girls getting off train but lingering on platform: What’s the matter, ladies, you don’t like my traaain?
–6 train stop, 51st & Lex
Conductor on stopped train: Ladies and gentlemen, we’ll be moving really, really, really, really, really shortly. [Long, resigned sigh] I hope.
–L train
Overheard by: Wild Dog Boy
Bored conductor: Welcome to Times Square, crossroads of the universe.
–7 train
Male conductor: Good morning and God bless. Have a happy Valentine’s Day, especially all you ladies.
–A train
Overheard by: Rita
Conductor: Fordham, this is the Fordham stop. You may exit here, but please, no new passengers are to get on at this stop. Sir, I said no passengers may get on the train… Anyone wearing a brown jacket may not get on at this stop. Sir, you, in the brown jacket. I see you. Yes, you sir, in the brown jacket who just got on the train. Of course I’m talking to you, genius… Thank you. Grand Central, next stop.
–Metro-North
Overheard by: Carol Ann
Suit on cell: Yeah, man, I’m so jealous. I mean, my holes have been full for years!
–Times Square
Overheard by: biting my tongue
Suit: I just met you. I can call you an asshole.
–Livingston St, Brooklyn
Overheard by: Sean McGurr
Suit: Are you listening to me?! The Projects are not natural!
–125th St
Overheard by: Kerry & Bob
Suit: … So then I grabbed the vise-grips and got him by the lips…
–59th & Lex
Overheard by: I really hope he was talking about a fish
Suit on cell: … So he was going to build this underground tunnel to the road from his house. Like, an escape tunnel thing. No, he sold the street-legal side and handles the government contracting. Well, he couldn’t get the zoning for a tunnel, so he’s building a retractable bridge.
–55th & Park
Suit: I hate getting buzzed in the afternoon. It makes me feel like a craven bastard.
–Liberty & Broadway
Overheard by: Mondo Man
Middle-aged black woman: William Shatner should run for president or governor or mayor or something… He’s got the charisma.
–Staten Island Ferry snack bar
Overheard by: Stephanie
Hobo spinning in circles: ‘Bout time we got some poontang in the White House! There’s a first time for everything!
–117th & Broadway
Overheard by: Vicksburg
Thug, watching Elliot Spitzer and Chuck Schumer drive by: Who da fuck these niggas?
–Super Bowl Parade
Overheard by: No idea
Scholar: I’m voting for Osama Barack.
–F train
Overheard by: Terrorized
Conductor: Grand Central Station. Two and Three trains across the platform. Change here for the Seven, A, C, E, and shuttle to Times Square. Vote Obama.
–1 train, Grand Central
Drunk guido during post-Super Bowl rioting: I mean, who cares who the next president is after this?
–52nd & 2nd
Overheard by: NCS
Chick #1: … But think about it — if we have so many bananas, like, in the supermarket and everything, then where are all the monkeys?
Chick #2: You are so right.
Chick #1: I mean, it’s true — shouldn’t they be here, where the bananas are?
Chick #2: That is so deep.
Chick #1: We should stop smoking weed.
–69th & CPW
