Model-looking chick: Hey, sorry I'm late. I had to work extra hours at work today.
Not-so-model-looking chick: No problem, that sounds like it sucked, what did you have to stay after for?
Model-looking chick: Oh, I fucked my client.
–13th St b/w 1st & 2nd Ave
Overheard by: smoking on your stoop has its uses
Guy #1: I think impotency is one of my greatest fears.
Guy #2: Sex with no potency is pointless. Take the venom out of a snake, whaddaya got? A belt!
–Uptown 6 Train
Overheard by: Anna P.
Woman #1: So, you ever have one of your guy friends crash at your place and then try to make a move on you?
Woman #2: Of course.
Woman #1: I mean, I'm in my bed and he's in the living room on the couch, and suddenly he's there trying to kiss me and slip his hand up my shirt. I was like, “What the hell, dude, I thought you were gay!”
Woman #2: I know. I always kick them out, right there and then.
Woman #3: But sometimes, I'm so drunk, I just go with it, you know?
–Fiddlesticks Bar
Supposedly straight guy from Boston: Tom Brady is the best quarterback in the NFL.
Skinny Asian guy: I don't think he's the best, but he's pretty good.
Attractive, tall guy: He's no Joe Montana.
Supposedly straight guy from Boston: That's bullshit, he's the best ever, and you can't really argue that point. Just look at how many touchdowns he has.
Skinny Asian guy: Man, you are in love with him, it's a little scary.
Supposedly straight guy from Boston (completely serious): I am, I would totally let him fuck me if he would let me hang out with him…I would be the man.
Skinny Asian guy: I thought you were straight?
Supposedly straight guy from Boston: Fuck you! I am straight but that doesn't mean I can't bang Tom Brady. I wouldn't give him oral though, I don't think.
Overweight Hispanic guy drinking appletini: Football sucks compared to soccer.
–45th & Madison
Tough guy on cell: Yeah, I was at the gay bah. It was two for ones. Whaddayou gonna do? Two for ones!
–Houston & Avenue A
Homeless man in subway station: Gay sex was invented to avoid child support.
–53rd St Subway Station
Overheard by: Billy
Woman on cell: Let me tell you something about this new generation of guys in New York: All gay.
–W 31st & Broadway
Overheard by: A passing gay man
Woman to husband: Not just a gay, but a heroin sheep gay.
–Broadway & 8th
Overheard by: TR
Cop to drunk: Who cares if you're gay? That doesn't give you the right to climb the fire escape.
–W 20th
Suit to another, on smoking break: Cigarettes are out, cookies are in!
–33rd & Park Ave
Teen boy: I wanna take up smoking just to prove to people how easy it is to quit. Seriously, it's not that hard. Just don't buy a pack.
–74th & Lexington
Bum to another: And so the cops went in and found them… And you know they can't arrest them for smokin' that shit…it's part of their religion!
–23rd & Park Ave
Overheard by: Francesca
Professor: The only reason valuable reason to start smoking is if you were molested as a child or some shit like that.
–Marymount Manhattan College
Girl on phone: So my roommate was bitching at me this morning for walking around in my underwear and I was like, "Dude, you got laid last night, I got yelled at by my booty call's girlfriend. I deserve to smoke cigarettes half naked on my patio."
–Lower East Side
Overheard by: innocent bystander
High school kid: Yo, I would smoke a cigarette dipped in toothpaste!
–Chambers St
Agitated man: God gave you a penis and a road map to the world! You don't need maps!
–Washington Square & University Place
Tween: God wants me to get drunk tonight!
–3rd & Mercer
Four-year-old child to mother: Mommy! We have to go to church on Sunday. God is going to repent us on Sunday!
–R Train
Overheard by: Marie
Hobo: And then I fucked god!
–Heckscher Playground, Central Park
Overheard by: Shiki
Jewish girl to friend: Oy! My bagel looks like god jerked off on it.
–Guy & Gallards, 34th & Lexington
Overheard by: Awkwardly eating his breakfast
Drunk girl to drunk friend crying on her coat: It's always so hard when you lose your soulmate in the bathroom line, but it's like, god works in mysterious ways, you know.
–W Train
Overheard by: Wes
Old white man, with beard and metrosexual outfit: How was that party?
Obnoxiously loud Indian girl: Shit, there was this really gross dude. He was so gross and so horny!
Old white man: Was he hitting on you?
Obnoxiously loud Indian girl: No. He was was hitting on every girl at that house party. He went up to each of my friends. Oh, he's so gross. They were each telling him to get away.
Old white man: He was probably the only straight guy invited to the party, then.
Obnoxiously loud Indian girl: He was so gross, he started talking to my friend. Later I walk in the bathroom, and she is fucking him!
–Union Square
Overheard by: H Ramachandran (rolling my eyes)
Girl, telling joke: A seven-year-old daughter said to her mother: “Today in school I learned where babies come from.”
Mother: Oh, really?
Daughter: Yea, a mommy and daddy take off all their clothes, the mommy makes the dad happy and his thingy stands up a little. Then the mommy puts the thingy in her mouth and the thingy stands up all the way and explodes, and that's where babies come from.
Mother: No, honey, that's where jewelry comes from.
(laughs)
Guy listening, with horrified face: Wait a second, my mom has a shitload of jewelry. Oh, goddammit, eewwwwwwwwwwwww!
Girl: I'm never going to look at your mom the same way ever again.
–Arthur Avenue
Overheard by: Reza Daneshvar
Jersey chick: I mean, what do I do? He is like all over me but wont have sex with me. What do I do?
Girl peeing in bathroom stall: I think you should just say, “fuck me or you're gay!” I mean, that's what I would do.
Jersey chick: I just don't get it, you know. And seriously, he is the hottest guy I've ever made out with, like hotter than anyone I've ever made out with.
Girl peeing in bathroom stall: I mean seriously, just say, “fuck me or you're gay. If you don't fuck me, you are gay.” that's what I would do.
Jersey girl: But he can't be gay, he's too hot.
Girl peeing in bathroom stall: But there are a lot of hot guys who are gay. It's probably because he's so hot.
Jersey girl: I just don't know what to do. He like comes up to me and is dancing with me and telling me to come home with him. But like, I don't know what to do. I mean, I'm from Jersey! I live in Jersey, I can't just stay with him, can I?
Girl comes out from peeing in bathroom stall: I don't know dude.
–Bar, Park Ave & 27th St
Overheard by: Shawn
