Smooth, Silky Wednesday One-Liners

Teen to friends: I want to get a haircut, but every time I get a haircut I get arrested.

–Union Square

Cashier: This line is closed! Unless one of y'all wants to drive me to my hair appointment!

–Home Depot

Woman to friend: Why can't he have a normal man haircut? Like, with short sides?

–Dekalb Ave & Oxford

Overheard by: Daniel Boris Dzula

Manic lady to no one in particular: Pay homage to my hair!

–B61 Bus

Drunk hipster: Donald Trump's hair is the Blarney Stone of New York.

–East Village

Overheard by: Concerned Irishman

Posted on December 16, 2009
About Celebrities, All Wednesday One-Liners, Brooklyn, Bus, Cars and Driving, Cashiers, Compare/Contrast, Crazies, Crime and Punishment, Drunks, Friends, Hair, Hipsters, On the Bus, One-liners, Physical appearance, Questions, Store, Street, Teens, Union Square and East Village, Wednesday One-Liners, Weirdness, Wishes & desires, Women

Wednesday One-Liners Will Totally Steal Your Picnic Basket

20-something girl in chucks to another: No, I will not get rubber boots. What do I look like, fucking Paddington Bear?

–CVS

Boy: I bet if I had three of me I could take on a grizzly bear.

–Columbia

Overheard by: Megan

Small, well-dressed girl: I want to eat the heart of a bear!

–Bohemian Hall, Astoria

Overheard by: Joseph

Guy on cell: You don't even know what the Care Bears are about!

–Central Park

Overheard by: Fresca P.

Posted on December 16, 2009
All Wednesday One-Liners, Animals & Nature, Astoria, Body Parts, Books & Writing, Boys, Central Park, Columbia, Compare/Contrast, Food, Girls, Guys, Insults, On Cell, One-liners, Parks, Physical appearance, Questions, Shoes, Store, TV, Wednesday One-Liners, Weirdness, Wishes & desires

A Farewell to Wednesday One-Liners

Teenage boy, explaining why he joined the Air Force: We've been around since World War II. We fought against the Germans and sank several submarines. We also killed a whale, but that's not the point.

–Bard High School, Queens

Overheard by: Sunny

20-something dude to friend: Ma-fucking-rines! The Marines! Man, I'ma join up, be a Marine, and go all over the world, fuck, and have babies. I'ma get laid and have a baby in every country: Spain, France… even Pakistan!

–50th & 8th

Overheard by: camillia*

Little boy in army fatigues hiding behind fallen tree: Pow! Pow! Look, mommy! It's the Battle of the Bulge!

–St. Mark's

Lady with Russian accent to salesperson in outerwear section: I don't like the style, it's not feminine. It's like for soldiers, or Chinese people.

–Lord & Taylor, 39th St

Overheard by: mira

Off-duty MTA worker to another: Britain? Whatever man, we beat they ass with… muskets and shit!

–6 Train

Posted on December 9, 2009
All Wednesday One-Liners, Animals & Nature, Clerks, Clothing, Customers, Friends, Gender issues, Gripes, Guys, History & Geography, Jobs & Careers, Kids, Midtown & Hell's Kitchen, Murder, On the Subway, One-liners, Private Parts, Queens, Race, School, Sex, Store, Street, Teens, Union Square and East Village, Violence, War, Weapons, Wednesday One-Liners, Weirdness, Wishes & desires

Is That Why You're Hanging Around Home Depot?

Young, attractive blonde: See, if we didn't get a divorce, you totally would have cheated on me.
Old, unattractive dude: Yeah, yeah. You're right.

–Home Depot

Posted on December 8, 2009
Girls, Guys, Infidelity, Marriage, Old People, Store

Why So Many Little Kids Want to Play Hockey

Little boy: Mommy, mommy!
Mom: What?
Little boy: Can I please have this? (holds up Transformers toy)
Mom, laughing: Yeah, the tooth fairy's gonna have to come a lot more for you to afford that.

–Target

Posted on December 4, 2009
Body Parts, Gadgets, Kids, Magic, Moms, Offers and requests, Parents, Store

I'm So Glad I Conducted This Market Research

Gay #1: Sometimes, I just wish I was a stripper.
Gay #2: Oh, I would totally go to see you.
Lesbian: Yeah, me too, but only if you can make the mangina.

–Porn Shop, West Village

Overheard by: me too…

Posted on December 1, 2009
Gays and Lesbians, Lesbians, Penis, Queer guys, Sexuality, Store, Vagina, West Village, Wishes & desires

First Get the Pants, Then Find a Man to Get Into Them

Female shopper: How much are these?
Male employee: Those are… What are those? Oh, right, the straight boyfriend. Those aren't on sale.

–Gap Dressing Room, 86th & Broadway

Overheard by: minerfa

Posted on November 26, 2009
Customers, For Sale, Money & Class, Sexuality, Shopping, Store, Upper West Side & Lincoln Center, Vendors & Street Performers

A Pantless, Anthropomorphized Pig: The Universal Language

Old, foreign Asian, looking through comic book collection: Want a Looney Tunes with Porky Pig on the cover!
Vendor, turning to stranger: Porky fucking Pig, man!

–Flea Market, 23rd St

Posted on November 21, 2009
Asians, Chelsea & the Meatpacking District, Foreigners, Insults, Old People, Pop Culture, Store, Strangers, Vendors & Street Performers, Wishes & desires

And Definitely Not Enough Sex for You.

Mom, reading magazine: You heard of Twilight? Is it good?
Kid: Dunno. I don't think you'd like it. It's got kissing. And vampires.

–Barnes & Noble, Tribeca

Overheard by: Quack

Posted on November 21, 2009
K-I-S-S-I-N-G, Kids, Moms, Movies, Parents, Questions, Store, Vampires, Ghouls, and Ghosts, oh my!, Wall Street, TriBeCa, South Street Seaport

Wednesday One-Liners Paint with All the Colors Of the Wind

Young guy: If I see another blue penis it would be too soon!

–42nd St

Overheard by: alecko

Girl on cell: She just bought a merkin… It was pink, you know, to match her hair. (pause) Would you want to rub toxic dye down there?

–Williamsburg

Girl to another: Just because he is wearing a different colored shirt, he's still the same guy.

–Central Park

Flamboyant guy, shouting to girl in very short orange dress: I have that same orange dress in purple!

–South Street Seaport

Overheard by: Green Star

Mother to four-year-old wearing pink shirt and shoes: Not *everything* has to be pink, honey.

–Rite Aid, Carroll Gardens

Overheard by: Sunny

Posted on November 18, 2009
All Wednesday One-Liners, Brooklyn, Central Park, Clothing, Colors, Compare/Contrast, Girls, Guys, Hair, Kids, Midtown & Hell's Kitchen, Moms, On Cell, One-liners, Parents, Parks, Penis, Physical appearance, Shoes, Store, Street, Violence, Wall Street, TriBeCa, South Street Seaport, Wednesday One-Liners, Williamsburg, Wishes & desires

Store

Is That Why You're Hanging Around Home Depot?