Wednesday One-Liners: Unfiltered.

Chick on cell, not visibly pregnant: I'm having a c-section and a cigarette.

–Simply Natural, 43rd & 10th

Overheard by: Pleased

Recurrent drunkard to bar: I'm not a smoker! I'm a libertarian, for fuck's sake!

–Peter McMannus Pub

LIRR conductor: There will be no pugilism on this train. Additionally, tonight marks the first night of Kwanzaa, and in the spirit of Kwanzaa, I ask you to not smoke on this train. This is the final warning: if you are smoking, you will be ejected at the next convenient stop. Also, no throwing up is allowed on the train. The two places where you may throw up are in the conveniently-located bathrooms, or on yourselves. Again, merry Kwanzaa.

–LIRR

Overheard by: Jenna K

NYU girl: Do you have a cigarette to ease my cough?

–Waverly & Mercer

Chick: Mad Men is like porn for smokers.

–172nd St & Broadway

Overheard by: Ladle

Posted on May 9, 2015
Advice, All Wednesday One-Liners, Bars & Clubs, Celebrations/Parties, Compare/Contrast, Conductors, Drunks, Fighting and ass kicking, Film, Girls, Illness, Insults, Midtown & Hell's Kitchen, Offers and requests, On Cell, One-liners, Politics, Porn, Preggers, Pregnancy & Birth Control, Public Transportation, Smoking, Store, Students, The Village, Trains Not Subway, Vomit, Washington Heights and Inwood, Wednesday One-Liners, Weirdness

Only If You'll Indulge My Peter O'Toole Impression

Professor: When would be a good day for our review session?
Student: How about Friday?
Professor: Nope, sorry. Friday I'm gonna get my drink on!
Student: Can we have it in the bar?

–NYU

Posted on May 8, 2015
Drinking & Drunk People, Education, NYU, Questions, School and studying, Students, Teachers/Professors, Time

The Bell Tolls for Wednesday One-Liners

Chick on cell: I hope you fucking die! Die! … Well, not like now… but someday… like, when you’re eighty.. Okay, eighty-four.

–NYU

Overheard by: Kelly

Student: … And I was all, ‘Dude, don’t touch my side of the cadaver!’

–Albert Einstein College of Medicine

Overheard by: BuddyblueJD

15-year-old: Look! They’re dying because they suck!

—The Bucket List showing, AMC Empire 25

20-ish chick: After I died, I hardly did anything.

–45th & 3rd

Overheard by: mkr

Blonde to gal pals, on Heath Ledger: It just made me realize how real death is when even a celebrity can die!

–25th & 1st

Posted on May 5, 2015
About Celebrities, Age/Aging, College, Death, Default, Girls, Gripes, Idiots, Midtown & Hell's Kitchen, Movie Theaters, Murray Hill and Gramercy, NYU, On Cell, Students, Stupidity, Teens, Time, Wishes & desires

Tomorrow –Wood-Chippers and Car Trunks!

Student: So how can we use this information to our advantage?
Professor: Well, if you were ever going to kill someone you would want to bury them in wet ground.
Student: Like a swamp?
Professor, with evil grin: A swamp would be ideal.

–Electromagnetics Lecture, Columbia University

Posted on May 4, 2015
Columbia (& Barnard), Columbia University, Crime and Punishment, Default, Education, Murder, Questions, Students, Teachers/Professors, Weirdness

…If He Knows What’s Good for Him

Loud girl #1: I don’t wanna go, what if I cheat on my boyfriend?
Loud girl #2: Whatever, he won’t care. He’s fat, he’ll get over it.

–Outside Pace University

Overheard by: Aaron

Posted on May 3, 2015
Default, Diet/Weight, Girls, Relationships, School, Students, Wishes & desires

‘Clitorides.’ (Seriously.)

Female student: I have a question — what is the plural for ‘clitoris’?
Professor: That is a great question.

–NYU

Posted on May 3, 2015
Students, Teachers/Professors, Vagina

That’s Mom’s Nickname

Girl: Say, for instance, if somebody killed your mother and you killed theirs to get back at him–
Guy: Don’t even suggest such a thing! You’re talking to fucking Oedipus here.

–Fordham University, Rose Hill

Overheard by: Matthew Smith

Posted on May 3, 2015
Family Ties, Fordham, Nicknames & name calling, Students, Violence

…Then I Match Them Up Based Upon the Probability That You'll Sleep with Me.

Student: How are you grading the papers?
Teacher: Well, at home I have these two hats. In one hat I put the names of all the students. In the other hat I put all of the possible grades…

–NYU

Posted on May 2, 2015
Names, NYU, Questions, School and studying, Students, Teachers/Professors, Weirdness

Read These Wednesday One-Liners to Induce Vomiting

Guy: Once I told my friend Ivan that I like to eat my scabs, and he said he did too, so we ate each other scabs.

–Park Slope

Ugly drunk girl: Sometimes I pick people's noses. (pause) Usually nothing comes out!

–LIRR, Huntington Line

Overheard by: I <3 Commuters Black guy on cell: Then I put KY all over her pussy, yo, and she wanted to spoon that shit up and eat it!

–Lafayette St

Man to family: Well, I've got to assume he's getting sick anyway, judging by the snot I just saw.

–Grand Central Station

Male law student: That's the good thing. You can scratch all day and it won't spread.

–Fordham Law School

20-something receptionist: Urp! I think I just coughed up a fetus. I better Lysol the phone.

–5th Ave

Overheard by: BrooklynBorn

Posted on May 2, 2015
All Wednesday One-Liners, Black People, Body Parts, Cleanliness, Clerks, Drinking & Drunk People, Drunks, Excretions, Families, Food, Fordham, Friendship, Girls, Grand Central, Guys, Men, On Cell, One-liners, Park Slope, Sex, Store, Students, Train Station, Trains Not Subway, Vagina, Wednesday One-Liners, Weirdness, Wishes & desires

Wednesday One-Liners Think “Abroad” Sounds Dirty

20-something college student: I saw the movie Australia the other day, and I couldn't understand anything because they all had English accents.

–2 Train

Indian woman with accent, recalling story to husband: So I called up customer service, and right away the woman said "Oh, priti, you must be Indian". I said "No, I am not." I was like "What? Are you kidding me? I call customer service and they put me through to India? Then she said "Have you ever been to India?", I was like "No, I have not, is it nice?"

–Jackson Heights

Overheard by: Marie Z.

10-year-old girl, emoting mockingly for her minder: And I can see *Russia* from my *house*!

–74th & Broadway

Overheard by: Harriet Vane

Woman on cell: It's okay, I've got a plan. We'll move to Mexico, buy a lemonade stand by buying parts from a guy called Javier, earn some money, then smuggle ourselves and our belongings over the border to America, where no one will know what happened.

–5th Ave

30-something to friend: Apparently all of England's problems can't be solved by strangling an old guy!

–Roosevelt Island

Posted on May 1, 2015
All Wednesday One-Liners, Couples, Friends, India Indians, Jobs & Careers, Kids, Language Barrier, Money & Class, Movies, On Cell, On the Subway, One-liners, Politics, Queens, Questions, Street, Students, Stupidity, Tourism, Travel, Upper West Side & Lincoln Center, Violence, Wednesday One-Liners, Weirdness, Women

Students

‘Clitorides.’ (Seriously.)