Stupidity

Brother, Can You Spare a Wednesday One-Liner?

Girl on cell, pacing outside of restaurant: What happened to you? It was so good to run into you, but you look like a homeless person!

–St. Mark's Place b/w Ave A & 1st Ave

Guy to young girl: I think the homeless guy on my block has real self-esteem issues.

–Astor Place

Manager to hobo: Jesus Christ, don't let me catch you here again! The Radisson is right around the corner!

–McDonald's

Power walking suit on phone: I know, I've never actually seen a female hobo before.

–Grand Central

Suit on cell: So like, she was homeless, right? But she look gooood!

–6th & 19th

Overheard by: Sanam Skelly

Woman at red table with water jug: Help the homeless! C'mon! They don't like dat shit!

–Times Square

Overheard by: Cracka Jack

More Like Upside Down

Med student guy #1: Wait up, you’re saying that nearsighted means you can’t see far? But it should, like, mean that you can’t see near.
Med student guy #2: Yeah, I know, it’s like backwards or something.

–Columbia-Presbyterian Medical Center, West 168th Street

Look, Can We Just Fuck So I Can Stop Pretending to Care?

Girl #1, about her new website: So, our e-newsletter will be sent out weekly with pictures accompanying every article….
Girl #2, trying really hard to be interested: That’s a very… interesting way to keep things… interesting, and get people… interested… in what you’re selling. That’s great!

–Greyhound bus, Port Authority

Overheard by: Sim

What a Moneron

Ticket guy: I’m sorry ma’am, my computer is being awfully slow.
Ticket gal: Maybe your computer has bacteria.

–Hotel Pennsylvania, 7th Avenue

She Also Goes to Brasseries, Looking for Lingerie.

Customer, after studying menu: Do you have turkey sandwiches?
Cashier: We're a Turkish restaurant, not turkey restaurant. We have lamb. (pointing towards large spinning leg on spit)
Customer: That's not turkey. (walks away)

–Bereket Turkish Restaurant

How Isn’t It?

Tourist dad: Oh my god, why does it say Grand Central? Guys, get off the train! Why is it Grand Central?
Chick: If you’re trying to go to Times Square just wait on that platform.
Tourist dad: No, we’re trying to go to Grand Central Station.
Chick: Um, well, you’re here.
Tourist dad: Grand Central Terminal? How is it Grand Central?

–7 train

I Think I Stepped in Some Sicily This Morning

Guy #1: Naw, you’s retarded! That’s Greek, yo!
Guy #2: Where’s Greece?
Guy #1: Dude, Greece is in Ireland.
Guy #2: No it ain’t.
Guy #1: But they look the same, man!

–Sunset Park

It’ll Be a Profoundly Retarded Essay

Teen girl #1: I have to write an expository essay on something that has impacted my life.
Teen girl #2: Has anyone in your family ever died?
Teen girl #1: Yeah, but no one, like, close to me.
Teen girl #2: Do you have any, like, retards in your family?
Teen girl #1: No, but I did meet a retard one time… He was, like, really retarded, too. Maybe I’ll write about that…

–F train

Lose and You Compete in the Special Olympics

B&T guy: Did you get home okay in the snow last night?
B&T girl: Yeah, but drinking and driving should be an Olympic sport!
B&T guy: That’s why you should’ve just smoked.

–Manahatta, Bowery

Overheard by: Andrew Gamache

Your Jokes Are So Lame, FDR is Jealous

Little boy #1: Your pants are so tight, your balls have asthma.
Little boy #2: But that’s my joke…

–12th between A & B

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