Tourists

Have You Ever Faked a Wednesday One-Liner?

Guy on cell: We get a little crazy wearing real pants. If we go to the store or something, we'll find ourselves bickering because we're wearing real pants.

–Washington Square Park

Traffic cop, motioning people to move quicker to clear the intersection: C'mon, people! They're real cars, they hit real hard!

–Broadway & Houston

Incredulous 30-something to tourist parents, during intermission of The Lion King: Well, I'm just really disappointed. I thought there were going to be real lions.

–Minskoff Theater

Overheard by: Not at the Circus

Lady in glasses on cell: Being naked is being real.

–West Broadway & Thomas St

Overheard by: Alex S.

…But Only Because You Go Around Calling It “N.Y.”

Drunk tourist on fire escape, yelling at 2 am: I love NY! If I move up here can I live with you?
Neighbor, yelling back: No!

–3rd St, Havemeyer

Wednesdays Would Sell Their Souls for Some One-Liners

Theology professor, after struggling with projection screen: This is Satan doing this to me.

–Lincoln Center, Fordham University

Crazy man with bullhorn: Hanukkah is for God, Christmas is for Satan!

–Fordham Plaza

Conductor: This is an uptown a train making all local stops. Yes, you heard right, all local stops. The e train is out of service today, as it is on a vacation to hell. Stand clear of the closing doors, please!

–A Train

Overheard by: Kirstie

Girl yelling to two friends across train: Jay-Z is like a devil worshipper. No, seriously, he's like a Freemason or whatever. They all are: him, Madonna, Britney…

–J Train

Seven-year-old tourist to mother: Are we going somewhere safe where the devil won't get me?

–34th & 28th

So I Don't Get the Cartoons

Tourist #1: Do you read the New Yorker?
Tourist #2: No, I'm from Omaha.

–Times Square

Overheard by: so impressed with middle america

The Elderly Are As Independent and Uncooperative As Cats

Guard to elderly tourists at elevator to roof: Please swing the line around the corner.
Elderly tourist: Ve don't sving.

–Metropolitan Museum

There Will Be When My Mom Gets Back from the Bathroom!

Teenage tourist boy to friend, gesturing at a gay couple: They're holding hands!
Passing art lover: There's no one holding your hand, sweetheart.

–Metropolitan Museum of Art

Overheard by: Richard Nixon

Why We're Still in Iraq

Confused tourist: Excuse me, I want to take the red line.
Confused New Yorker: You needed to get off at the last stop.
Confused tourist: No, I got on at last stop. Want to take the red train.
Confused New Yorker: Yes, you needed to get off at the last stop.
Confused tourist: But I'm not going to that stop.
Confused New Yorker: No, you aren't.
Confused tourist: How do I get on red line?
Confused New Yorker: Help me!

–L Train

Isn't Wall Street Depression Street?

Subway voice: The next stop is Bleecker Street.
English tourist #1: Bleecker Street? What's next? Unhappiness Street? Miserable Street? Depression Street?
English tourist #2: Suicide Lane. That's what's next. Now there's a one-way street…

–Uptown 6 Train

Overheard by: Percival Under Cover

Wednesday One-Liners Stimulate the Economy

Tourist, loudly and proudly: They have this store at the mall!

–Louis Vuitton, 5th Ave

College girl: The second floor was pointless. It was, like, just furniture.

–Ikea, Brooklyn

Woman on cell: I'm not in a store! I know what a store looks like!

–Tompkins Square Park

Perturbed NYU chick, about New Orleans: Hopefully I will survive there for two years. They don't have H&M! Or Bloomingdale's or Anthropologie. They don't have Loehmann's…

–NYU Office

Overheard by: Melanie

Middle-aged guy passing clothing store with shirtless male models at front doors: Hollister? What is it, a ladies club inside?

–NoHo

Overheard by: Arielle

So, Like Canada and the U.S.?

Tourist: So what the difference between hummus and falafel?
Guy at counter: Well… one is hummus, and the other is falafel.

–Mamoun's Falafel, MacDougal St

Overheard by: Tacologic

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