Wednesday One-Liners Enjoy a Stay in the Graybar Hilton

Conductor on train: Ladies and gentlemen, if you see the person who is annoyingly pressing the buzzer please direct him to a conductor so they can be arrested and we can all go home.

–Metro North Train

Overheard by: Allison

Hobo: Now you're going to give me a quarter sir, and then I'm going to arrest you.

–Union Square

Overheard by: Eric

Guy on cell: Mike is getting his crazy ass released? For real? (pause) He's paying taxes?! Thug!

–M Train

Teenybopper: I'm going to jail tonight, I don't care. I'm gonna fuckin' kill that bitch!

–30th b/w 2nd & 3rd

Overheard by: eavesdropper

Prospective employee to another: I can't believe she tells me how to fill out the fingerprint card! I've been done hauled to the precinct so many times…

–Elevator, Midtown Building

Ghetto mama: Why somebody call me from prison gotta be my husband? Hell no, that nigga is past tense!

–54 Bus

Posted on September 24, 2008
All Wednesday One-Liners, Buildings, Conductors, Crime and Punishment, Elevators, Ghetto Chicks, Guys, Hobos, Marriage, Midtown & Hell's Kitchen, Moms, Money & Class, Murder, Murray Hill and Gramercy, Offers and requests, On Cell, On the Bus, On the Subway, Panhandling, Prison, Public Transportation, Threats, Trains Not Subway, Tweens, Union Square and East Village, Weirdness, Words

Kinda Like Birthing a Calf

Bearded guy: So I was looking at porn the other day and saw this chick getting fisted and it reminded me of you.
Blonde girl: Oh yeah. Was it anal?
Bearded guy (fist pumping against other hand): Oh, it was full on.

–LIRR

Overheard by: well…was it?

Posted on September 20, 2008
Backdoor, Default, Girls, Guys, Hand-Jobs, Long Island, Porn, Trains Not Subway, Weirdness

Wednesday One-Liners Phone Home

20-something woman: Why do I have a phone number for "Shrek" in my phone?

–1 Train

Overheard by: Poogins

Older, bald man on phone: Mom! I told you, you don't have to call me everyday. Just call me once a month…to see if I'm alive!

–Times Square

40-something suit on cell: You know what would be fine, mom? If you just stopped calling. That'd be fine! Just fine! Of course I want to hear from you, but just stop calling. It's over. Over. Don't call no more.

–Park Slope, Brooklyn

Overheard by: Oedipus

Crazy lady on cell (at the top of her lungs): Yo, douchebag! Where are my fucking children? I want to see my children. You owe my $10,000 in child support. And you know what? They're not even your kids! Ha! Oh, and my phone's dead.

–AirTrain

White girl on phone: Well, on the phone he doesn't even sound black. So just introduce him to your parents over the phone…

–28th & Broadway

Overheard by: Vanessa

Lunching lady: She's 718, acts like she's 212…but really, she's so 516!

–4 Train

Overheard by: JC

Posted on September 10, 2008
Advice, All Wednesday One-Liners, Cell Phone, Compare/Contrast, Crazies, Death, Girls, Insults, Kids, Men, Money & Class, Movies, Murray Hill and Gramercy, Offers and requests, Old People, On Cell, On the Subway, Parents, Park Slope, Questions, Race, Relationships, Suits, Times Square, Trains Not Subway, White People, Women

They're So Cute When They're Ignorant

Ten-year old boy: Dad, how long will it take to get to the World Trade Center?
Father: Well, it will take a while. We have to go through 14th Street, 9th Street, Christopher Street, Hoboken, Pavonia/Newport, then to Grove Street. Then at Grove Street we switch trains to go to the World Trade.
Ten-year old boy: Wow…and it's all 'cause of those damn terrorists!

–PATH train, 23rd Street

Posted on August 26, 2008
Boys, Dads, Default, Directions, Ground Zero, Kids, Manhattan, NYC Geography, Public Transportation, Questions, Terrorism, Trains Not Subway

But I Desperately Need a New Facebook Photo!

Mom: Give me my phone.
Son: Photo?
Mom: No, you cannot take a picture.
Son (sticking phone in the butt of his pants): Please.
Mom: No, it's too loud. At home…

–NJ Transit

Posted on August 25, 2008
Boys, Cell Phone, Default, Ew, Jersey, Kids, Moms, Offers and requests, Parents, Trains Not Subway

Not Harriet Tubman's Kind of Wednesday One-Liners

Conductor: Put your purse inside the train. I said: "purse inside the train." Inside the train, that's no real Chanel!

–E Train

Overheard by: cran

Conductor: Ladies and gentlemen, we are going to be delayed for a couple of minutes, the wheels keep slipping. We aren't working with the best equipment here.

–LIRR

Conductor: Ladies and gentlemen, we are sorry for the inconvenience and the delays. While expressing your dislike for the inconvenience, please do not curse, spit, or throw things at the conductor and train crew.

–V-train

Conductor: Keep on moving, don't block the aisles… Keep on moving, don't block the aisles… There's plenty of empty seats in the back cars. Don't just stare at the people next to you.

–Metro North Train

Conductor: Uptown! Uptown! Uptown express! You know where I'm going! Don't pretend like you don't know where I'm going!

–4 Train

Overheard by: Jamie

Conductor: Please walk forward for more seats. The front of the train is empty. It's like the freaking promised land up here!

–NJ Transit

Conductor, over loudspeaker: This is the A train making local stops on the F line. Next stop, who knows!?

–A Train

Overheard by: Schechter

Posted on July 30, 2008
Advice, All Wednesday One-Liners, Apologies, Conductors, Fashion, Offers and requests, On the Subway, Public Transportation, Subway conductors, Time, Trains Not Subway, Violence, Weirdness

Wednesday One-Liners Pull a Winona

Teenage hipster to friend: Oh look, it's the Hannah Montana lip gloss I stole from a little kid!

–Uptown F Train

Overheard by: Joy

Big thug: Hey man, I'm not gonna even lie: selling candy on the train keeps me from robbing and stealing from most of ya on the train today… Hook a nigga up!

–2 Train

Overheard by: Cashiem Evans (da mad blogger)

Schoolgirl dressing down another: You took the whole backpack? Why didn't you just take what you needed to steal and leave the bag there?

–DeKalb & Clermont, Clinton Hill

Overheard by: Morning Glory

Lady on cell: So you know what happened? He stole my deodorant, and you know what was under it? My hundred dollars!

–Metro-North, 125th St Station

Overheard by: That must be some expensive deodorant

Woman yelling into cell: Don't rob them, they're Danish!

–Times Square

Overheard by: Tina

Posted on July 30, 2008
Advice, All Wednesday One-Liners, Brooklyn, Compare/Contrast, Friends, Girls, Harlem & Morningside Heights, Hipsters, Jobs & Careers, Money & Class, Offers and requests, On Cell, On the Subway, Teens, Thievery, Thugs, Times Square, Trains Not Subway, Weirdness, Women

Gene Simmons: What?! I Fucking Quit!

High school hipster #1: Dude, you know that guy Ray Simmons?
High school hipster #2: Who?
High school hipster #1: Ray Simmons, Ray Simmons. I dunno dude, the fucking guy from KISS.
High school hipster #3: Richard Simmons.
High school hipster #1: Yeah, that's it, Richard Simmons.

–Path Train to NYC

Overheard by: sweatin' to the oldies