Going to the STD Clinic (A NYC Short Story)

Indian chick: So I was watching VH1 and it was a show about child stars. You know, Drew Barrymore, Jodie Foster–
Asian chick: What? Jodie Foster was a child star?
Indian chick: Yeah. She was a child prostitute at like, 13, and they made a movie about it and everything.

Indian chick: Lookit that chart. They’re ranking condoms, see? Trojan Magnum, then Regular Trojans, then Trojan Ultra Sheer, then Durex Regular, then Lifestyles, and then Lifestyle Ultra-Sensitive, see?
Asian chick: Mmm. Trojan Ultra Sheers, yeah.
Indian chick: But Durex has at least one more that should go in there! Durex has a Magnum too and it’s really good.
Asian chick: So yeah, what’s their deal?
Indian chick: Like, it’ all about how well they endure. Not how much pleasure they give. Fucking government chart.

Indian chick: Anyway. I’m definitely thinkin’ about havin’ my kids in a foreign country. Like, dual citizenship. Just take a semester off, fly to Britain for a month, and voila.
Asian chick: That’s the craziest thing I’ve ever heard. What for?
Indian chick: They just come out cooler, that’s all.

–Chelsea Health Center, 9th Avenue

Overheard by: capn midnite

Posted on May 11, 2021
About Celebrities, Asians, Chelsea & the Meatpacking District, Condoms, Global Geography, Government, Hospitals, India Indians, Pregnancy & Birth Control, Stupidity, TV

“What do you mean, you’re an Average Joe?”

Woman #1: She had been dating him for, like, two years and then she saw him on a reality dating show last night. Now she’s going break up with him.
Woman #2: Well, maybe the show was filmed before they were dating. You know, sometimes those things take a while to get on the air.
Woman #1: They were going out for 2 years! Don’t you think he should have at least mentioned to her, “By the way, I was on a dating show”?

–Duane Reade, 52nd between Madison & Park

Overheard by: Captain Obvious

Posted on February 5, 2021
Breaking Up, Dating, Duane Reade, Idiots, Stupidity, Talking/Convos, Time, TV, Women

New York Girls Have Always Swooned for Quasimodo's “Ironic” Sense Of Style

Hermit-looking man at bakery counter: Euhh… Yes, I want cake. One will say “Kenny's dead.” No! Wait! One will say “I killed Kenny, and I'm not sorry!” And the other will say… it will say, “Obama is my homeboy!”
20-something hipster girl, staring at man: Are you… for real?
Hermit-looking man: Yes, sweetie.
20-something hipster girl: You… you win at life, sir.

–167th & Broadway

Posted on January 25, 2021
Death, Food, Hipsters, Men, Murder, President, TV, Washington Heights and Inwood, Weirdness, Wishes & desires

Be a Good Sport, Wednesday One-Liners

Conductor, on loudspeaker: Please note, you heard it here first: I’m watching the Super Bowl only for the commercials. The Giants are going to be so far ahead of… the other team… it’ll be a boring game. We gonna whoop them by at least 15, 20 points. But the commercials are going to be great!

–A train

Overheard by: love this conductor!

Blind hobo to no one: You know why black basketball players are better than white ones? Because Jesus was black, so they’re like Jesus!

–1 train

Black teen girl, to three teen boys: Super Bowl! Super bowl?! What the hell does that mean, ‘a Super Bowl’? Didn’t you ever think about how stupid that is?!

–F train, 4th Ave

Overheard by: Theresa

Eight-year-old boy: You can’t have a Cowboys game without the cheerleaders. There go half the male ticket holders.

–Prospect Park, Brooklyn

Guy who is clearly not Eli Manning: What do I do? My name is Eli Manning, and I play for the New York Giants.

–Upper West Side

Guy randomly wipes out on the sidewalk, flat on his stomach with arms stretched out in front of him. Everyone stares.

Nearby cop: Safe!

–Outside Penn Station

Overheard by: Bananaphone

Posted on December 8, 2020
Black People, Brooklyn, Compare/Contrast, Conductors, Cops, Crazies, Crazy, Default, Girls, Glad the Condom Broke, Gripes, Hobos, Kids, On the Subway, Penn Station, Race, Sports, Teens, TV, Upper West Side & Lincoln Center, Words

I Figure if I Wait a Decade or So, I Can Tell My Kids I Invented ‘D’oh!’

Kid #1: DY-NO-MITE!
Kid #2: DY-NO-MITE!
Kid #1: DY-NO-MITE!
Kid #2: That’s funny. What’s that from?
Kid #1: My dad made it up. DY-NO-MITE!

–103rd & Lex

Overheard by: Matthew K Johnson

Posted on October 19, 2020
Kids, Parents, TV, Upper East Side

Or We Could Just Go to the Park and Get Stoned Again

Preppy guy: I feel like we should have a New Jack City watching party.

–Bedford Ave & N 7th St, Williamsburg

Overheard by: Kate C.

Posted on October 9, 2020
Celebrations/Parties, Preppies, TV, Williamsburg, Wishes & desires

Nothing to Compete With That

Girl #1: What did you do last night?
Girl #2: Wandered around Goldman Sachs with a Sesame Street pillow. You?
Girl #1: Um…

–Tom’s Diner, Morningside Heights

Overheard by: Ladle

Posted on October 4, 2020
Clothing, Default, Girls, Harlem & Morningside Heights, Leisure, Questions, Restaurants & Cafes, TV, Weirdness

It’s All Greek to Me

Businessguy: It’s a small world.
Businesschick: Especially in Astoria!
Businessguy: Ha, ha, ha!
Businesschick: Hee, hee.

–Midtown office

Posted on September 8, 2020
All Wednesday One-Liners, Animals & Nature, Astoria, Babies, Foreigners, Grocery Stores, Ground Zero, Man's Best Friend, Manhattan, Men, Midtown & Hell's Kitchen, Music, Office, On Cell, On the Bus, People, Places, Poop, Pop Culture, Port Authority, Queens, Shoot, Suits, Times Square, Topics, TV, Upper West Side & Lincoln Center, Vendors & Street Performers, Violence, Women

Just When People Had Stopped Looking for Carrie Bradshaw's House…

Teenage boy in Boston Celtics jacket: Ewww, this is Jackson Heights?
Father: Yeah, I guess so.
Bored tween girl: Can we go back to the hotel, puh-lease?
Mom: Not yet. I want to find where Ugly Betty lives.

–Jackson Heights

Overheard by: Jellobelle

Posted on September 6, 2020
Dads, Moms, Queens, Questions, Teens, Tourism, TV, Tweens, Upper West Side & Lincoln Center

TV