Union Square and East Village

And Never Ride the Subway

Cute nerd girl playing Scrabble #1: How many Ts in frottage?
Cute nerd girl playing Scrabble #2: Frottage? What’s that?
Cute nerd girl playing Scrabble #1: It’s when you rub against someone in a crowd, sexually. Like dry humping.
Cute nerd girl playing Scrabble #2: Oh yeeeeah, I knew that. Jeez, I haven’t heard that word since that Psychology of Sex class I took a few years ago.
Cute nerd girl playing Scrabble #1, enthusiastically: That’s because you don’t read enough slash!

–Starbucks, 2nd & 9th

Marge Began to Regret Giving Her Daughter Whiskey As a Baby

Daughter: I was a needle!
Mom: How were you a needle?
Daughter: I was a cute needle!

–10th & 6th Ave

Hell Hath No Fury Like Wednesday One-Liners

Crazy church lady into microphone: There are no drugs, sex, or rock n’ roll in hell. Repent and have your fill in heaven.

–42nd & 6th Subway Station

Overheard by: Tony

Train "preacher" holding his bible: Adam was the first black man! And Eve was the first white woman! And Adam sinned and got them kicked out of the Garden of Eden. Then they had a whole lot of brown babies! But they set the stage for black men and white women. That’s why you have Barack Obama and Hillary Clinton running for President today! It’s in the bible!

–2 Train

Preacher: We’ve got a lot of tourists here today and we know why you came -you want to see a black gospel church. And that’s okay, that’s okay! That’s what we are. And you know, some of our members, they do it tough. Why, they come from such rough neighbourhoods as Connecticut and upstate New York …

–Abyssinian Baptist Church, Harlem

Bible thumper: You need a ticket to get on the heaven-bound train! And the ticket is Jesus Christ.

–3 Train

Street preacher: … And what is good for the goose is good for the gander! And what is a gander, anyway?

–St Mark’s Place

Overheard by: EthanK

Wednesday One-Liners Swore They’d Never Become Like Their Parents

Dad to young daughter: If you want to hit daddy, you’ll have to take a number.

–Outside Court St. Bagels, Court & Bergen, Cobble Hill, Brooklyn

Exhausted dad to loud, hyperactive, young son: Yes, everyone knows you’re here. Terminal six food court line.

–JFK

Overheard by: Jen

Mother, to seven-year-old son as she enters a liquor store: Jesus, what’s wrong with you? This is why nobody likes you -you’re annoying!

–Outside Liquor Store, W 57th St

Overheard by: PetRunner

Father quizzically looking at waddling toddler: How can you be anti-park? I mean, you’re a kid! You can run around!

–Fort Greene Park

Overheard by: Brooklyn Dodgy

Sassy inner-city mom to dawdling daughter: Get ovah here or I’m going to have to take out my imaginary belt.

–Tompkins Square Park

Mother, to five-year-old daughter picking up cookies: Is that what you eat at daddy’s house?

–The Food Emporium, 88th St

Overheard by: charlotte

Mother speaking sternly to her infant in the baby carriage: Capiche???

–53rd & 9th

Overheard by: AH Hell’s Kitchen

Hot Wednesday-on-Wednesday One-Liners

Random guy, singing loudly: Leeeesbian seagull!

–South Street Sea Port

Overheard by: Ger-Man in New York

Thug: Shit! I have to get my teacher a present. Its so hard. She’s like butch… You know what I’m saying? Shes got short hair and don’t wear earrings -like that chick [points to a woman who can obviously hear the conversation and looks affronted.] Yeah lady, you like the pussy!

–F Train

Drunk girl: You wanna know why I’m a lesbian? When I was crawling out of my mothers vagina I tasted that shit. And that shit was good. I just had to keep going back for more.

–Odessa’s, Ave A

Overheard by: Dannia Alfonso

Hardcore lesbian tourist #1 to hardcore lesbian tourist #2: Hey! Beaver Street! Let’s eat down there.

–Beaver St , Hanover Square

Overheard by: WallStGuy

Black teen punk girl, arguing with boyfriend: No, I’m gonna go become a lesbian now. Big. Huge. Les. Bo.

–V Train

Overheard by: Jon A.

Buff guy: But now they’ll know I’m a lesbian.

–Christopher & Bleecker

Overheard by: Colleen

It’s So Nice That We Can Talk Like This

NYU girl: Wait, do you live with Paul?
NYU guy: Uh, yeah.
NYU girl: Oh. I don’t know who that is.

–Union Square

Overheard by: Nick M.

Now Are Those Lampposts or Trees?

Blonde Swedish bimbette in very light drizzle: Where’s that water coming from?!
Friend: It’s the man with a bucket in the sky…
Blonde Swedish bimbette: Oh, I thought it was sewer water or something.

–Houston & 2nd

Overheard by: In tribute

But I Thought You Were Gay!

Cute girl: No, I swear that coat was pink.
Clearly gay guy: It was not pink [glances down.]Cute girl: Is there something pink…I mean… Did you just look at my boobs?!
Clearly gay guy: I mean, they’re right there.

–Zara, 5th Ave

Overheard by: rach

But I Had a Really Slow Internet Connection!

Dramatic student hipster: I’m just trying to get my life back together. You know when you’re trying to get your life back together after one of those periods of being away for awhile without contact to the world, thinking about your direction and what you’re doing.
Friend: Do you mean your family vacation?
Dramatic student hipster: Well, yeah.
Friend: It was three days.

–Bagel Zone, 3rd & Ave A

Overheard by: Cpt Kate

Unless a Cantaloupe Counts

Teenage girl: Look at the headline on this magazine. There’s a quiz called “do you know if you’re a virgin?”
Teenage boy: Yes. Oh god, yes.

–Barnes and Nobles, Astor Place

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