Father: Hurry up or we'll be late! If we're late mommy is gonna spank you!
Toddler son: (shocked look)
Father: I'm kidding, mommy would never spank you, mommy would spank daddy.
Toddler son: Mommy spanks daddy?
Father (with a devious smile): Mommy spanks daddy all the time!
–Sheep Meadow, Central Park
Conductor: Put your purse inside the train. I said: "purse inside the train." Inside the train, that's no real Chanel!
–E Train
Overheard by: cran
Conductor: Ladies and gentlemen, we are going to be delayed for a couple of minutes, the wheels keep slipping. We aren't working with the best equipment here.
–LIRR
Conductor: Ladies and gentlemen, we are sorry for the inconvenience and the delays. While expressing your dislike for the inconvenience, please do not curse, spit, or throw things at the conductor and train crew.
–V-train
Conductor: Keep on moving, don't block the aisles… Keep on moving, don't block the aisles… There's plenty of empty seats in the back cars. Don't just stare at the people next to you.
–Metro North Train
Conductor: Uptown! Uptown! Uptown express! You know where I'm going! Don't pretend like you don't know where I'm going!
–4 Train
Overheard by: Jamie
Conductor: Please walk forward for more seats. The front of the train is empty. It's like the freaking promised land up here!
–NJ Transit
Conductor, over loudspeaker: This is the A train making local stops on the F line. Next stop, who knows!?
–A Train
Overheard by: Schechter
Boyfriend: You know what I really want to be?
Girlfriend: What, sweetie?
Boyfriend: A crazy old man! The kind with a shotgun that threatens to shoot at kids and steals stuff and never wears his dentures!
–Bryant Park
Overheard by: Me too!
Bearded guy #1: Wow! Two Quakers on one train! We could start a riot.
Bearded guy #2: Or whatever the opposite of a riot is.
–Metro North Hudson Line
Guy: So she doesn’t even like him?
Girl: No.
Guy: Well then, why does she stay with him?
Girl: I asked her that too. She said “He’s got a twelve inch cock and he doesn’t hit me. I’m stayin’!”
–Rivington & Allen
Overheard by: Jonathan
Bearded guy to female friend: I went to Williamsburg and was like: "Who *are* all these people that look just like me?
–Café Pick Me Up, 9th & Ave A
Overheard by: Doibles
Young hipster: I only date girls from the Lower East Side or Williamsburg.
–9th St & Ave A
Overheard by: bildita
NYU girl to friend: Berlin is like, the new, like… Williamsburg.
–4th Ave & 12th St
Overheard by: john.ainley
Young girl: I’m Middle Eastern, and I swear to god if I see another honky wearing a keffiyeh I’m going to commit fucking Jihad on Williamsburg.
–Park Slope, Brooklyn
Visitor, looking around in bewilderment: Why is everyone trying to look like they’re poor?
–Bagel Shop, Williamsburg
Overheard by: NCT
Girl to friend: That’s because my heart is filled with hate and yours is filled with kittens.
–Something Else, Park Slope
Overheard by: jayloo
White guy: Well, if Kate* was my soulmate I wouldn’t hate having sex with her so much.
–W 57th & 11th
Well-dressed man to self, after making meowing noises: I hate my ex, I hate that fucking bitch! I’m going to stick a tennis ball in her muffler!
–Bleecker & Broadway
Teen girl to friends: And she, like, gave me an 88%. I can’t fucking believe her! I can’t even hate her, right? If she’d just failed me like usual, I could hate her. But she gave me a freaking 88%.
–Astoria-Bound N Train
Overheard by: Ben
Sad 30-something: My boyfriend’s mother hates me. She hates me because I’m out of work … And I shoot up in her house.
–7th Ave & 9th street, Park Slope
Drunk angry girl on cell: Answer the damn phone, you bastard! Answer the phone! I hate you! I love you! Call me.
–Port Washington Train
Suit: Do you know what it’s like when you’re reading the news and you get 19 clips of Brazilian women fucking?
–Astor Place & Lafayette
Overheard by: that’s a problem?
Woman to dinner companion: I think I’d like to get into flagellation porn. I’m not really sure how to go about it though.
–Ludlow & Broome
Random girl, during lull in party conversation: But it’s straight porn!
–Bleecker & W 10th
Overheard by: Deontology
Guy: I wouldn’t fuck her if she was the last person on earth! There had better be porn on cable!
–5 Train
Professor: Does anyone know Henry Miller? [Girl raises her hand.] You and those of us… those of us who had to resort to the Sears Roebuck catalog for porn… Well, when we got older we had to turn to higher literature so we’d flip through Henry Miller for delightful dirty passages.
–Religion Class, Hunter College
Overheard by: liza
Sassy gay guy: Have you seen how ghetto the Upper East Side has gotten?
Girl in yoga clothes: Um.
Sassy gay guy: And everyone is a bitch. A freakin’ nun pushed me out of her way one time.
Girl in yoga clothes: Ha! Really?!
Sassy gay guy: Yes mam! [Snaps his fingers.] So I pushed her all the way down, girl. Whatever. I don’t care. I’m not Catholic!
–50th & Broadway
Bimbette: So yesterday he called me to tell me that he’s going to beat my ass, and then he calls me today to ask if he can use my CD player.
–Staten Island Mall
Overheard by: Robert
Seven-year-old girl: She better watch herself before I pimp slap her.
–Amsterdam Projects
Girl, to rest of her punk skater group: But I be like: "Bitch, I don’t skate… I just beat bitches with it."
–Astor Place & Broadway
Overheard by: Jynx
Lady on cell: Is someone else going to smack you?
–1 Train
Overheard by: Krisztina
Man on cell: What… You flubbed what? Listen dude, I’m in midtown, but it’s too far a cab ride to come beat a grown man’s ass.
–W Hotel, 49th & Lex
Overheard by: Miami Hitman
Bus driver to angry man: You want a piece of this? There are 26 places on the body that can kill you instantly. I can hit 4 in one shot. You wanna dance?!
–M16 Bus
Overheard by: nora!
