Wednesday One-Liners Hope It's Just Like Riding a Bicycle

Douche on cell: I haven't had sex in 48 days and I feel like it's getting smaller. What should I do?

–48th & 6th Ave

Overheard by: Jnaz

Really old man complaining to his wife: You'd rather watch CNN than have sex with me!

–The Water Club, 30th & FDR

Overheard by: Trying to have a romantic dinner date

Pretty girl on cell: Yeah, I got this really bad toothache…my gums are sore too. (pause)
What do you mean what have I been putting in my mouth? (laughs) Well, nothing exciting, that's for sure! Maybe that's the problem. My mouth's probably going on strike cause it hasn't been getting any action.

–F Train

Overheard by: I wouldnt have minded putting something of mine in her mouth!

Girl on phone: I mean, if I don't fuck him, who will? His bitch-ass girlfriend certainly won't. (pause) No, not even; she only got those piercings so she could put a fucking lock in it.

–L Train

Random guy outside bedroom window: Just because I won't sleep with you doesn't mean I don't love you!

–Union Street, Brooklyn

Overheard by: Casey

Posted on April 22, 2009
All Wednesday One-Liners, BJs, Body Parts, Brooklyn, Compare/Contrast, Couples, Girls, Guys, Health and Hygiene, Height, Idiots, Infidelity, Love, Midtown & Hell's Kitchen, Murray Hill and Gramercy, News, Nicknames & name calling, Old People, On Cell, On the Subway, One-liners, Questions, Restaurants & Cafes, Sensory Experiences, Sex, Street, Stupidity, Time, TV, Wednesday One-Liners, Weirdness

I Promise to Answer on the First Ring

Guido, shouting: Yo, who leaves a fuckin' business card in the shitter? Seriously!?
Man from across bathroom: You should call the number on the card, maybe they'll give you a blowjob.

–Grand Central Terminal

Overheard by: Michael

Posted on March 27, 2009
BJs, Grand Central, Guidos, Men, Money & Class, Questions

Little Wednesday One-Liners, Big World

Woman to another: So he had this four foot midget, and he was wearing an Obama mask.

–50th St & 8th Ave

Overheard by: jellybean

Stoned hipster: I'm short, right? So, like, I feel so close to the ground right now.

–3rd Ave & 11th

Waiter sticking head out of restaurant, to short bald guy: Hey! Are you a little bit of luck?

–35th & 10th

Guy selling comedy show tickets: Yeah! It's a comedy show! Yes, we've got drunken midgets and everything. No, you can talk to me, I'm not trying to sell you drugs!

–Times Square

Overheard by: Avigdor from Jericho

Frat guy to buddies: Is that the place with the midgets under the bar that take care of you while you drink?

–H&M, Broadway-SoHo

Posted on March 18, 2009
All Wednesday One-Liners, Baristas, BJs, Chelsea & the Meatpacking District, Drinking & Drunk People, Drugs, Fashion, Frat Boys, Handicaps, Height, Hipsters, Midtown & Hell's Kitchen, One-liners, Physical appearance, President, Questions, Soho, Stoners, Store, Street, Times Square, Union Square and East Village, Vendors & Street Performers, Wednesday One-Liners, Weirdness, Women

And Is It Enough for the Whole Class?

Man passing by window of chorus room: You can all suck my dick!
Chorus conductor, out window: Oh, you have one?

–Stuyvesant High School

Posted on March 13, 2009
BJs, Comebacks, Insults, Men, Musicians, Penis, Questions, Stuyvesant

Wednesday One-Liners for Ann Coulter

Old guy on phone: All I've done is live in a bitchy bitchy bitchy world.

–LIRR

Overheard by: Danielle

Ghetto guy to another: A bitch in a wheelchair can still suck a dick!

–25th St & 6th Ave

Wife to husband: You do the thinkin', I'll do the bitchin'.

–84th & 2nd

Overheard by: Val

Male scrub nurse: Yeah, he's in that bitch right now. (female scrub nurse looks shocked, male scrub nurse wiggles fingers on both hands) Yeah, he's in there.

–Mount Sinai Hospital

Overheard by: and by

Thug to friend: Yeah my homegirl…she's a slutty bitch, but she's good people.

–Q Train

Posted on March 11, 2009
All Wednesday One-Liners, BJs, Chelsea & the Meatpacking District, Couples, Friends, Guys, Handicaps, Hospitals, Insults, Marriage, Nurses, Old People, On Cell, One-liners, Penis, Promiscuity, Relationships, Sex, Street, Thugs, Trains Not Subway, Upper East Side, Wednesday One-Liners, Weirdness

Or at Least Do It Like I Taught You

Impatient nanny: Hurry up. Finish your ices already!
Little girl: No. (licks ices delicately)
Impatient nanny: For god's sake, stop giving that Popsicle a blow job!

–Prospect Park Zoo

Overheard by: ABrooklynBaby'sNanny

Posted on March 3, 2009
BJs, Brooklyn, Food, Girls, Kids

I'm Begging You

Student laying on hallway floor: It has to be bare balls to be called “tea bagging.”
Student standing over him: I am not putting my bare balls into your mouth!
Student laying on hallway floor: I'm not asking you to!

–Columbia University

Posted on March 1, 2009
Balls, BJs, Body Parts, Columbia (& Barnard), Columbia University, Students, Weirdness, Words

Wednesday One-Liners Are a Lot to Swallow

Suit on cell: I've already had a blow job tonight so I don't really care what happens.

–7th St & Ave A

Overheard by: Karmenlara Seidman

Lady suit to other: What about 1994? I haven't sucked cock or watched ice hockey since 1994!

–Lion's Head, 109th & Amsterdam

Overheard by: A great man

Toothless thug: And now she wants an award for sucking my dick.

–7th Ave & 16th St

Overheard by: mattamore

Guy on cell: Look, I'm about to get on the train and lose signal so I'll sum up my argument: until I can pull out my dick and get a blowjob from any woman I want, my grudge against feminists stands. No, I don't care if it doesn't make sense. Fuck you, I'm getting on the train!

–Penn Station

Old woman to husband: Now isn't she the girl who gave him head in the Port Authority bathroom?

–Bench, Washington Square Park

Overheard by: Horrified

Girl to two hipster friends with yoga mats: Oh my god, he had to stop me while I was sucking on his dick just to tell me he likes me. Like why? Ew, why would he bother?

–Avenue B & 13th

Posted on February 25, 2009
All Wednesday One-Liners, Alphabet City, Bars & Clubs, BJs, Chelsea & the Meatpacking District, Couples, Friends, Girls, Guys, Hipsters, Insults, Old People, On Cell, One-liners, Parks, Penis, Penn Station, Politics, Public Transportation, Questions, Sports, Street, Suits, Thugs, Time, Upper West Side & Lincoln Center, Washington Square Park, Wednesday One-Liners, Weirdness, Wishes & desires

Dating Didn't Use to Require a Flow Chart

Chick #1: So I added him on Facebook.
Chick #2: Oooooh, that's a little desperate.
Chick #1: But he texted me first! I was just following the natural order of events.
Chick #3: I added him on Facebook like a week ago.
Chick #2: But you didn't give him head behind a bar.
Chick #1: He texted me before I added him! It is not desperate!

–NYU

Overheard by: kelly