Tim Gunn's Guide to Wednesday One-Liners

Mystical store clerk to very serious customer: Yeah, I went through like half the winter like without the appropriate headbands!

–Bookstore

Overheard by: teen

Older woman to younger woman: At least you're not wearing windpants anymore. That's an improvement right there.

–Bedford Ave & N 5th St

Middle-aged businessman to two others: In my life I've seen, at most, three people who look good in spandex.

–40th St b/w 5th & Madison Ave

Teen on cell: I think we're going to need something more supportive than a fanny pack.

–113th St & Broadway

Overheard by: Jeremy

Fabulous hobo: Why does a homeless man wear couture? Because he wants to show off!

–Union Square

Posted on July 22, 2009
Beauty, Brooklyn, Clerks, Clothing, Columbia University, Compare/Contrast, Compliments, Customers, Fashion, Hobos, Homeless, Midtown & Hell's Kitchen, Old People, On Cell, One-liners, Physical appearance, Questions, Store, Street, Suits, Teens, Time, Union Square and East Village, Wednesday One-Liners, Weirdness, Wishes & desires, Women

Wednesday One-Liners Go Directly to My Thighs

Professor, seriously: Were you involved in the jelly bean incident?

–Physics Hallway, Trinity School

Overheard by: Siena

CSR: Stale peeps are excellent! Now, that is one finely-aged peep.

–Hudson & Houston

Overheard by: Harriet Vane

Man to friends sitting on bench: You either look at the girl or you look at the ice cream!

–Outside Sundaes & Cones, 10th & 3rd

Overheard by: The Girl Anonymous

Cheerful gift shop clerk on phone: So I got my peanut buttercups and then Anne* saw me on the street and came up to me, and punched me in the face and was all "Give me a peanut buttercup!" and I said "but there are only two in the package and I was saving one for Robert*!" Then she punched me in the face again!

–The Cloisters

Overheard by: Rose Fox

Greek waitress: Ice cream without whipped cream is like… girl without boyfriend!

–Diner, Bay Ridge

Overheard by: Jon A.

Posted on July 22, 2009
9 to 5-ers, Age/Aging, All Wednesday One-Liners, Baristas, Brooklyn, Clerks, Compare/Contrast, Fighting and ass kicking, Food, Friends, Hudson River, Men, On Cell, One-liners, Punch, Questions, School, Store, Students, Teachers/Professors, The Met, Union Square and East Village, Wednesday One-Liners, Weirdness, West Village

…But Could You Hold the Soup?

Dumb woman looking at Chinese takeout menu: Chicken and rice soup. What's in it?
Confused woman behind counter: Chicken and rice.
Dumb woman: In a soup?
Confused woman: Yeeaah. That's why it's called “chicken and rice soup.”
Dumb woman: Okay, I'll have that.

–E 23rd St b/w Park Ave & Madison Ave

Overheard by: Janine

Posted on July 20, 2009
Chinese, Clerks, Customers, Ethnic Food, Idiots, Murray Hill and Gramercy, Questions, Stupidity, Words

Disco Only Smells Like It Died

Sanitation worker to hobo with cart full of bags: You going to throw them away?
Hobo: Naw, I'm gonna go and do my hustle.

–33rd & 7th

Overheard by: EthanK

Posted on July 17, 2009
Chelsea & the Meatpacking District, Clerks, Hobos, Homeless, Questions

Maybe I Should See If My Giant Leg Fits Up Your Ass

Late 20s Middle Eastern sales guy: Hey, do you need help with anything?
Early 20s average sized girl: I really like these boots but I can't get them zipped up my calf. They are too tight.
Late 20s Middle Eastern sales guy: Oh, I see. This happens often. We have a machine that can safely stretch them for you. (goes to the back and stretches each boot twice, then brings them back to girl)
Early 20s something girl: Ugh, they still wont zip up. Can you stretch them anymore?
Late 20s Middle Eastern sales guy: Well, they've already been stretch twice… There's not much more I can do. Maybe you should just lose weight.

–4th & 7th

Posted on July 16, 2009
Clerks, Diet/Weight, Girls, Height, Offers and requests, Shoes, Union Square and East Village

Vegetarians Won't Eat Anything with a Wednesday One-Liner

(man standing on bus gets a little too close to the man sitting in front of him)
Sitting man: Wrong person, right day. Son, do not put your genitals in my face!

–M101 Bus

(skateboarder tries to do a trick on the curb and flies face-first onto pavement)
Skateboarding friend, checking on him: Dude! His face looks like a clitoris!

–Union Square

Overheard by: I Looked Away

Crazy man to another: What the fuck's the matter with your face, man? You look like a fuckin' Rottweiler! Shit!

–Q Train

Creepy doorman to male tourist: If you wake up in the morning with a bush in front of your face, don't ask any questions.

–30 Rock

Overheard by: MusicMagGirl

Posted on July 15, 2009
Accidents, Advice, All Wednesday One-Liners, Body Parts, Bus, Clerks, Compare/Contrast, Crazies, Crazy, Creepsters, Friends, Insults, Man's Best Friend, Men, Midtown & Hell's Kitchen, On the Bus, On the Subway, One-liners, Passengers, Physical appearance, Private Parts, Skaters, Tourists, Union Square and East Village, Vagina, Wednesday One-Liners, Weirdness

And Yet He Ruined the 2000 Election

Good Samaritan, rushing in: Chad told me to ask you for your first aid kit. Do you know Chad? Some lady got hit by a taxi!
Cashier: Yeah, he's our boss.
(they leave with kit, cook returns a few minutes later)
Cook: Yo, Chad's a hero. That woman's head was in a pool of blood. She's gonna need more than that first aid kit.
Cashier: It would be a guy named Chad who stops to help someone laying in the street. Most people see that and say “Yo, I gotta get to work.” You never see an Omar or Carlos stop to help someone. It would be a guy named Chad!

–Zen Burger, 45th & Lexington

Overheard by: – My friend Chad is serving in Iraq and is a hero too!

Posted on July 12, 2009
Accidents, Blood & bleeding, Cashiers, Clerks, Health and Hygiene, Midtown & Hell's Kitchen, Names, Nice People, Offers and requests, Questions, Race, Restaurants & Cafes

It's Not 'Tried As an Adult'?

MoMA tour guide: What's the first word you think of when you see this painting?
Teen guy #1: White lollipop.
Teen guy #2: Yo, that's my nickname!

–MoMA

Overheard by: jamie

Posted on July 12, 2009
Clerks, MoMA, Nicknames & name calling, Questions, Teens, Visual Art, Words

Wednesday P.A.-Liners

Building fire safety supervisor, over intercom: Attention! This is your fire safety supervisor. The alarm you are hearing was accidentally triggered by a delivery person on the 18th floor. Repeat, the alarm was accidentally triggered. There is no fire. I will continue to keep you alarmed throughout the day.

–5th & 57th

Overheard by: Paul Tabachneck

MTA worker over intercom: Attention ladies and gentlemen, there is no n or r train service at this station. I repeat: no n or r train service at this station. (repeats this roughly a dozen times) You hear that? No trains. Not even half a train. No. Trains.

–59th & Lexington

Overheard by: was hoping there was a chance of a train…

Female announcer, with a little attitude: Attention people standing on the uptown local platform! Why are you standing there? No trains are stopping at that platform; they're all on the express track, like that c train stopping right now.

–34th St & 8th Ave

Overheard by: going downtown, thank you

Announcer: We would like to remind all passengers that there is no smoking on MTA platforms. Especially blunts. (guy smoking blunt in station leaves)

–High Street Station

Loudspeaker: Will James please come to the courtesy desk? Your wife is lost.

–Stop 'n' Shop, Staten Island

Overheard by: Emily

Posted on July 1, 2009
Accidents, All Wednesday One-Liners, Brooklyn, Chelsea & the Meatpacking District, Clerks, Family Ties, Fire, Midtown & Hell's Kitchen, Offers and requests, One-liners, Passengers, Public Transportation, Questions, Smoking, Staten Island, Store, Street, Subway stations, platforms, etc., Wednesday One-Liners

The Deeply Stupid Are Immune to Sarcasm

Customer to employee: Excuse me, are these zucchini?
Employee: No, they're pickles.
Customer: Are you sure? They look like zucchini!
Employee: Yes, they're pickles.
Customer: Oh. (pause) Do they taste like zucchini?
Employee, after long pause: Yes. Yeah…pickles tastes like zucchini.

–Balducci's Restaurant

Posted on June 30, 2009
Clerks, Compare/Contrast, Customers, Food, Questions, Restaurants & Cafes, Sensory Experiences

Clerks