Wednesday One-Liners for the Fine Young Cannibals

Hipster: Everyone I know is either married, divorced, gay or crazy.

–37th St, Astoria

Overheard by: Matthias Sundberg

Karaoke panhandler singing Gnarls Barkley: "Does that make me craaaaazy? Maybe I'm craaaaaazy!" It's Memorial Day and I'm sitting here singing to people I never met before in my life. Mmmmmm…craaaazy!

–Times Square Subway Station

Black woman to janitor companion: I am so glad I live in the ghetto. These motherfuckers down here are crazy! (companion nods) And I live in the ghe-tto, 2 train ghetto.

–22nd St & 5th Ave

Hobo, watching man and woman having sex against a statue: I think I'm going to have to move to Europe or something. This place is getting too crazy.

–Madison Square Park

Overheard by: Westsider

30-something guy on cell: Well, that's what my crazy sister said about my more crazy sister.

–Broadway & 114th St

Overheard by: mary e.

Little boy in abandoned shopping cart: I've gotta get off this crazy train!

–Target, Atlantic Ave

Posted on November 19, 2014
All Wednesday One-Liners, Astoria, Black People, Brooklyn, Columbia University, Crazy, Family Ties, Gays and Lesbians, Guys, Happiness, Hipsters, Hobos, Kids, Marriage, Murray Hill and Gramercy, Music, Nicknames & name calling, On Cell, One-liners, Panhandling, Parks, Public Transportation, Sex, Store, Subway Stations, Subway stations, platforms, etc., Travel, Vendors & Street Performers, Weirdness, Women

Just Use Your New York Instincts and You’ll Do Fine

Student: Um, would we really use the extremely polite form with random strangers on the street?
Japanese teacher, exuberantly: Oh yes, definitely.
Class: [Laughter.]Japanese teacher: I’m not kidding, you don’t want to make them think you like them or want to get close to them… they’re a stranger! You want to keep as much emotional distance from them as possible.

–Japanese Class, Columbia University

Overheard by: Vicksburg

Posted on November 16, 2014
Advice, Columbia (& Barnard), Columbia University, Default, Education, Etiquette, Languages, Questions, Students, Teachers/Professors

Wednesday One-Liners Want to Know What Makes the Law & Order Sound

Law professor: Sometimes you just want to tell your client, "Wake the fuck up!"

–NYU Law School

Law student on cell: Well, it's hard to locate them, since I don't know who they are.

–Columbia Law School

Overheard by: arctinus

Older looking woman on cell: No, don't fight him, Henry. We're Jewish. God gave us lawyers for a reason.

–42nd & Avenue of the Americas

Overheard by: Elizabeth

Awesome judge: If you do not have a basic understanding of the English language, you will not be able to serve. If you cannot understand what I'm saying, please come up now. Now, two translators will translate what I just said. If you understood what I said, obviously don't come up here.

–Supreme Court Building

Suit to girl: You must be a lawyer. (pause) Or a cunt.

–Bryant Park

Overheard by: How did he know?

Thug: Don't say anything to her! Don't you know anything you say can and will be used against you in a court of law?

–132nd & St. Nicholas

Drunk lawyer on phone: Yeah! I convict rape victims.

–Outside Shea Stadium

Posted on November 7, 2014
All Wednesday One-Liners, Bryant Park, Columbia (& Barnard), Columbia University, Crime and Punishment, Drunks, Fighting and ass kicking, Girls, God, Harlem & Morningside Heights, Insults, Judaism, Language Barrier, Lawsuits, Lawyers, Midtown & Hell's Kitchen, NYU, On Cell, Rape, Shea Stadium, Students, Stupidity, Suits, Teachers/Professors, Thugs, Weirdness, Wishes & desires, Women

Blame Jersey Shore, Not Me!

Guy with squash equipment #1: Let's squash.
Guy with squash equipment #2: We squashed her all night and we squished her all day.
Guy with squash equipment #1: That's disgusting.

–Gym, Columbia University

Overheard by: Nava

Posted on November 7, 2014
Columbia University, Guys, Offers and requests, Sex, Sports, Words

Wednesday One-Liners Take a Stab at It

Girl on cell: Yeah, so he was kicked out of college. It’s kind of a long story. He like, pulled a knife on George Lucas.

–Barnard College

Curly-haired chick: If we go, like, cowboy/Indian, you’re supposed to be giving me smallpox blankets and liquor, and I’m supposed to hold a knife to your scalp. Hmmm.

–Columbia University

Overheard by: Wild Dog Boy

Girl (yelling at other girl): Just because he cuts himself doesn’t mean he’s emo!

–Brooklyn Tech HS

16-year-old to another: If Dane Cook was here, he would stab you in the chest.

–The Beacon School

Gay man to female friend: I’m gonna cut out your G-spot with a butter knife and stick it to the wall.

–Dojo Resaurant

Tall, muscular, handsome guy on cell: My night turned out pretty crazy… Why? Because this chick drew a knife on me in the restaurant before we even finished the appetizers… And I blame you for that.

–Grand Army Plaza

Overheard by: wishes she would have been there…

Posted on November 5, 2014
About Celebrities, All Wednesday One-Liners, Body Parts, Columbia (& Barnard), Columbia University, Compare/Contrast, Fast Times at New York High, Friends, Girls, Guys, Harlem & Morningside Heights, Jocks, On Cell, Queer guys, School and studying, Stab, Teens, The Village, Threats, Upper East Side, Upper West Side & Lincoln Center, Violence, Weirdness, Women

I Don’t Like Where This Is Going

Drunk kid: Have you ever seen Asian female nipples?
Asian kid: What?
Drunk kid: I mean, not your own.

–Columbia University

Overheard by: Evil

Posted on November 4, 2014
Asians, Columbia University, Drunks, Kids, Nipples, Questions

Wednesday One-Liners and the Utterly Unsatisfying Conclusion

Guy, in chinese: Do you think I'm Harry Potter?

–Vivi Bubble Tea Bar

Girl on cell outside art bar: And I was like "Dumbledore, try some jeans."

–8th Ave & Horatio St

Overheard by: Jean Ann

Cute girl graduating to friend: I hate gowns… How does Harry Potter stand it?

–Columbia University Business School Graduation

Overheard by: Jen

Guy, after watching new Harry Potter movie: Man… that's it? That was a lap dance!

–42nd Street Movie Theater

Crazy woman wrapped in shawls: I'd kidnap and fuck Harry Potter for an eight ball of coke. (to onlooker) Why aren't you at work?

–Brooklyn Theater

Overheard by: JesseJack (I've got a Job)

Posted on October 24, 2014
All Wednesday One-Liners, Bars & Clubs, Books & Writing, Brooklyn, Clothing, Cocaine, Columbia (& Barnard), Columbia University, Crazies, Dancing, Film, Friends, Girls, Guys, Magic, Midtown & Hell's Kitchen, Movie Theaters, Movies, On Cell, One-liners, Questions, Rape, Stupidity, Theater, Violence, Wednesday One-Liners, Weirdness, West Village, Women

“Tab A?” “Slot B?”– Nothing Fits!

Med student: I wish you were straight, so I could have sex with you right now.
Flamboyant friend, sighing: I'm not in the mood.

–Columbia University

Posted on October 24, 2014
Columbia (& Barnard), Columbia University, Friends, Gays and Lesbians, Sex, Students, Wishes & desires

Maybe I'll Just Get a Dick

20-something girl #1: I need to go on a diet.
20-something girl #2: Why? You look fine.
20-something girl #1: Because that tranny over there has a dick and looks better in a dress than I do.

–Manhattan Ave & 110th St

Posted on October 13, 2014
Beauty, Clothing, Columbia University, Diet/Weight, Girls, Penis, Physical appearance, Trannies

200 Wednesday One-Liners, and There's Nothing to Watch.

Professor: Do you guys watch American Idol? It's painful.

–Lehman College

Film student #1: It's kind of like Cloverfield meets The L Word.

–Waverly Place & Broadway

Valley girl wearing UGGs, pointing to Guggenheim: Oh! I think this is the building where Blair and Serena live!

–Outside of Guggenheim

Really effeminate 40-something man: I always pick up when he calls, and he was so mad I didn't this time… but I couldn't, because I was still in mourning over American Idol!

–114th & Broadway

Overheard by: Melissa

Queer to female friend: I was watchin' Oprah the other day. Oprah is legit! She had Christina Applegate on. You know, that girl from Married with Children and she was talkin' 'bout her breasts. She got breast cancer and they took both of them off! She had on of them lumpectomies.

–J Train

Guy: That's the new American dream–fuck up your life so much that you get your own tv show.

–Fundraising Walk, Battery Park

Overheard by: Harriet Vane

Posted on September 27, 2014
About Celebrities, All Wednesday One-Liners, Anger Management, Battery Park, Cancer, College, Columbia University, Compare/Contrast, Dreams, Film, Friends, Girls, Guys, Idiots, More museums, On the Subway, One-liners, Parades & Festitivites, Queer guys, Questions, Rack, Store, Students, Stupidity, Teachers/Professors, The Village, TV, Wednesday One-Liners, Weirdness