Short man: So, my therapist told me to take off my clothes and look into the mirror.
Tall woman: Why?
Short man: To confront my inner midget.
Tall woman: Your inner what?
Short man: Midget.
Tall woman: Don’t you think that’s potentially offensive to midgets?
Short man: Why? Some people are paranoid, some are neurotic, some are short.
–Tea Lounge, 7th Ave & 10th St, Park Slope
A group of retards are being watched by two caretakers.
Hetard: You’re stupid.
Shetard: Shut up. You have halitosis of the eye. Every time you blink, you stink!
–Battery Park
Overheard by: Josh Rav
Hobo: Was it right to be kicked out of a house for being an adult with a child mind? You don’t get it, lady. There’s a whole house of adults with child minds. Whatever. See ya! Wouldn’t want to be ya!
–F train
Queer: He totally has to understand that he’s crazy and that those Martha Stewart people are crazy too!
–27th street office
Crazy lady: Well, I think you should give me my musical instruments back because I know that you’ve been stealing them every day for the last nine years. Yes, I’m sure! I have proof. You see, that’s not music. That’s not rock and roll. That’s just crazy.
–Bedford Avenue station
Overheard by: Greg Rutter
Crazy man: I already told you I don’t have no chicken. Besides, I gave you that tree last week.
–54th & 11th
Crazy woman: I’ve got demons behind me, shit next to me, and the ugly ones in front of me. I need an angel above me.
–World Financial Center
Overheard by: Dr. Ballon
Crazy bag lady: Stay away from the people! Stay away from the idiot Mexicans!
–Union Square
Overheard by: Kaitlen
Suit: …and I swear to God, man, the whole time? That creepy deaf-mute babysitter from across the hall?…is watching me.
–46th & 8th
Overheard by: ballpeen hammer
Crazy lady: I don’t believe this. Pussyass son of a fucking faggot!
–Lexington & 23rd
Hobo: Would someone please tell Courtney Love to get her goddamned dick out of my mouth? Thank you! Would someone please tell Courtney Love to get her goddamned dick out of my mouth? Thank you! Would someone please tell Courtney Love to get her goddamned dick out of my mouth? Thank you!
–19th between 7th & 8th
Chick: What does that mean, that the movie has subtitles? Isn’t it in English?
Cashier: Yes, it’s in English, but it has subtitles for the disabled.
Chick: So it’s for the illiterate or something?
–Regal Cinemas, Union Square
Girl on cell: Hey, Jim…Yeah I’m on the bus. We’re at 8th Street, but they’re loading a cripple on, so I’m going to be late….I know!
Later in the ride…
Girl on cell: Hey, Jimmy…Yeah, now they’re unloading the cripple. You guys should just start eating. I know! Didn’t people used to be housebound? Don’t they do that anymore?
–B63 bus, Park Slope
Overheard by: lish
Girl to friend: So last night I hit myself in the eye with my broom while baking lasagna, drunk.
–Blarney Stone Pub
Suit on cell: Oh man, you should definitely ice and elevate that shit.
–AMC Lowes, 68th & Broadway
Overheard by: Jessica Segal
Man in wheelchair to woman pushing him: Remember when I hit that stroller head on and the kid passed out?
–33rd b/w 7th & 8th
Conductor on speaker: Please bring the first aid kit to car three, please bring the first aid kit to car three, a passenger has a bite.
–Train Leaving Penn Station
Teen to friend: And that’s how I got my penis stuck in a pencil sharpener.
–Stuyvesant High School
Serious hipster girl: There is a nine-out-of-ten percent chance she won't call, but there is a one percent chance she will.
–L Train
Overheard by: Kansas
Grad student: You slept with him? This is not a good data-point.
–Fayerweather Hall, Columbia University
Overheard by: Ladle
Serious 20-something: You know pi? Like 3.14? You could shave the symbol into your pubes and you'd have hair pi.
–Coffe Bar Lounge
Student: Math chicks aren't the most glorious specimens of femininity.
–Shake Shack
Overheard by: Mary Elizabeth
Young man to friend: If you add it up, it's a lot of money. But when you do the math, it's not really that much money.
–Staten Island Ferry Terminal
Overheard by: Joy
Older cousin to younger cousin: How are you going to be rich if you don't like math? Rich people are good at math. They have to count their money.
–Stuyvesant Square
Overheard by: Peanut
Girl complaining to math teacher: No, you don't understand. I can't multiply past six.
–Marymount Manhattan College
Overheard by: Austin G.
Male retiree: Do you have any books by Stephen Hawking?
Librarian: By him or about him?
Male retiree: I don’t know. An easy one. Did you know he has two kids?
Librarian: No…
Male retiree: Yeah, I saw him on PBS last night, he’s, you know… And he has two kids!
Librarian: He must be proud.
–Brooklyn Library
Dwarf with walking disability: Could you go upstairs and get me a glass of water?
Man: Water? To drink?
Dwarf: Yeah, to drink. What do you think I’m gonna do with it, wash my hair?
Nearby woman: You could swim in it, I guess.
–Abington Theatre Lobby
Overheard by: Chris
Girl on cell, smiling and laughing: Maybe because he’s a cripple!
–Pavilion Movie Theater
Overheard by: Jamie F
Running tween girl to friend: I’m going to give you breast cancer, you idiot!
–Times Square
Yuppie woman on cell and pushing empty wheelchair: Honey, guess what? I’m not a paraplegic anymore! No, seriously! Isn’t that great?!
–12th & 3rd
Suit on cell: You shouldn’t feel bad for the boy who cried uterine trouble.
–A train
Overheard by: Sue
Woman to street vendor: That’s the problem with my inverted uterus…
–Prince & Broadway
Overheard by: BT
Genius holding her breath to cure hiccups: Oh my god, I hate the hiccups. I mean, seriously. The hiccups are the most annoying thing ever. Like, if I had the choice of having cancer or the hiccups, I would choose cancer. I mean, I know people who’ve had cancer, and the hiccups are way more annoying.
–N train
Overheard by: jessica
Jersey chick to friend, after denying deaf panhandler: I mean, if he were missing a limb or something, that would be one thing…
–NJT train from Penn Station
Overheard by: gotta draw the line somewhere
