Wednesday One-Liners Don’t Need No Water, Let the Motherfucker Burn!

Girl on cell: So yeah, I was like, ‘That is a great costume,’ and then it set her hair on fire and I was like, ‘That’s gross.’

–CVS, 42nd & 3rd

Crazy hobo: That’s right! Arrest me! I’ll burn half y’all houses down… And set the other half on fire!

–Brooklyn-bound Q train

Overheard by: Incitatus

Pseudo-intellectual: She called me and told me there was a bonfire in her ovaries.

–MacDougal Street Ale House

Overheard by: Ladle

Creepster: Come here… You don’t wanna know what I’m on right now. If you come home with me, I will light you on fire.

–Columbus Ave

Concerned NYU girl to boyfriend about California wildfires: Do you think Cher’s house burned?!

–Water St dorm, NYU

Overheard by: michael

Posted on December 24, 2014
About Celebrities, Accidents, Bars & Clubs, Body Parts, Compliments, Crazies, Crazy, Creepsters, Default, Fashion, Fire, Girls, Grocery Stores, Health and Hygiene, Hobos, Intelligentsia, NYU, On Cell, On the Subway, Questions, Students, Threats, Upper West Side & Lincoln Center, Words

The Rectitude Of Wednesday One-Liners

Teenage girl to friend: I'm not even kidding, her asshole was *this* big! (connects her thumbs and pointer fingers making a large circle)

–Central Park Zoo

Overheard by: soccer mom

Female suit to friends: And the old-timers were just such assholes…

–Walker & W Broadway

Overheard by: j

Big squirming Latin kid: God! I got this burnin' in my asshole, man!

–Xavier High School

Overheard by: seriously?

Concerned friend to sobbing girl: All you did wrong was sleep with him before you knew he was an asshole!

–Coffeeshop, Park Slope

Overheard by: TheGreenCat

Posted on December 19, 2014
All Wednesday One-Liners, Asshole, Central Park, Friends, Girls, Health and Hygiene, Height, Insults, Kids, Latinos, One-liners, Park Slope, Restaurants & Cafes, Sex, Suits, Teens, Wall Street, TriBeCa, South Street Seaport, Wednesday One-Liners

The Colonel’s 11th Spice

Girl: She is so fucking dirty. I swear, whenever she touches her hair she has to wash her hands.
Guy: Or make fried chicken.

–52nd & 10th

Posted on December 18, 2014
Fashion, Food, Health and Hygiene, Junk Food & Fast Food, Manhattan, Midtown & Hell's Kitchen

“I'm Having a Wednesday One-Liner– And It's Yours!”

Man in floor-length green dress to passersby: How do you know if you're having a baby? It's by the way you lift your legs!

–8th & 34th

Guy to girlfriend: Just make sure you tell me if you're on antibiotics. I already got like three babies that way.

–Battery Park

Overheard by: It's how I got mine

Large black man: She was poppin' those babies out like an Easy-Bake Oven!

–Coney Island Broadwalk

Hobo woman yelling at random pregnant woman: I told you be careful with that belly! That baby's gonna die! It gonna die!

–Broadway & Liberty

Overheard by: CG

Man talking animatedly on cell: Yeah! Don't be surprised if the baby comes out with a hairy red ass!

–Spring Street, SoHo

Middle aged woman: Your baby wouldn't stop crying, so I put my tit in his mouth.

–W 12th & W 4th

Overheard by: michael diamond

Posted on December 16, 2014
All Wednesday One-Liners, Ass, Babies, Battery Park, Black People, Body Parts, Boyfriends, Chelsea & the Meatpacking District, Colors, Compare/Contrast, Coney Island, Crying, Death, Fears, Guys, Hair, Health and Hygiene, Hobos, Men, Nipples, Offers and requests, On Cell, Pregnancy & Birth Control, Questions, Soho, The Village, Weirdness, West Village, Women, Words

Did He at Least Have His Emergency Mustache On?

Girl #1: You won't believe this. He was in the shower.
Girl #2: So?
Girl #1: He wasn't wearing a hat.
Girl #2: Oh my god!

–High School, Queens

Overheard by: Sunny

Posted on December 16, 2014
Clothing, Girls, Health and Hygiene, Physical appearance, Queens, School

And They Can Afford to Breed With You

Female law student in interview suit: I just get along with older white guys. We click. Women, younger guys, no so much.
Fellow law student: That's because you're fertile.

–Fordham Law School

Posted on December 13, 2014
Age/Aging, Compare/Contrast, Default, Fordham, Gender issues, Girls, Health and Hygiene, Sex, Students

Why I Stopped Going to Corporate Cocktail Parties: Explained.

Suit, after Yankees game: If Manny Ramirez took fertility drugs, wouldn't he be nanny Ramirez by now?
Female suit: God, you're good.

–Yankee Stadium

Posted on December 12, 2014
Gender issues, Health and Hygiene, Sexuality, Suits, Yankee Stadium

And a College Boy Would Never Put That in an Inappropriate Place

Guy #1: Yeah, so I'm going back to the doctor to get the rash checked out. They think I might be allergic to my girlfriend's…
Guy #2, interrupting: Oh god, I don't want to know.
Guy #1: Skin lotion!
Guy #2: Oh.
Guy #1: Dude, what did you think I was about to say? It's on my hand.

–Columbia University

Overheard by: I wasn't thinking it.

Posted on December 10, 2014
Body Parts, Columbia (& Barnard), Columbia University, Guys, Health and Hygiene, Penis, Vagina, Wishes & desires

Wednesday One-Liners May Need to Pay for It

Chick on cell: What are you doing tonight? Do you want to grab a drink, since I’m not having sex?

–116th & Broadway

Overheard by: Ladle

Hobo: You know Bin Laden? Bin Laden has no sex.

–1 train

Lady to two girlfriends: She harasses people with that body. That’s why ain’t nobody want her.

–96th St station

Mid-50s blonde: I just don’t think I’m getting anything out of this. I mean, you don’t give me sex, you don’t give me money, so what the hell am I getting?

–Sushi restaurant, Soho

Man on cell: I’m okay now. The doctor said I could have sex. If only I could find someone to have sex with.

–E 61st & Lex

Blonde: We don’t have sex that much because I’m a virgin.

–E 23rd & Lex

Overheard by: Jake

Guy in hallway: I’d stick it in her, but she’d just pull it back out again.

–Leon M. Goldstein High

Overheard by: Hand-banana

Posted on December 9, 2014
All Wednesday One-Liners, Girls, Gripes, Health and Hygiene, Hobos, Idiots, Men, Money & Class, Murray Hill and Gramercy, On Cell, On the Subway, Physical appearance, Questions, Restaurants & Cafes, School, Sex, Students, Subway stations, platforms, etc., Terrorism, Upper East Side, Upper West Side & Lincoln Center, Virginity, Women

Health and Hygiene