Wednesday One-Liners Calculate the Circular Pigmented Area

Coed: When my nipple-hairs pop up, that means I'm done.

–Columbia University

Overheard by: Ladle

Hobo to tiny sexy Asian girl wearing tank top on chilly day: Two nipples for a dime?

–9th Ave & 14th St

Cute gay chick on cell: I am aware that it's pride month, but I still like to keep sharp objects away from my nipples. My gay forefathers did not fight at Stonewall so that I might wear body jewelry.

–4th Ave & 11th St, Brooklyn

Mother to little boy: Those are not meant to be shown in public; nipples are private things.

–A Train

Overheard by: g-lime

Crazy guy, yelling: When I see my nipples in the mirror, I look away!

–Bedford Ave

Overheard by: Zach Rock Steady

Posted on October 28, 2009
Advice, All Wednesday One-Liners, Asians, Brooklyn, Columbia (& Barnard), Columbia University, Coworkers, Crazies, Fashion, Gays and Lesbians, Girls, Guys, Hair, Hobos, Kids, Lesbians, Moms, Money & Class, Nipples, Offers and requests, On Cell, On the Subway, One-liners, Parents, Physical appearance, S&M, Street, The Village, Time, War, Wednesday One-Liners, Weirdness

Is Christopher Walken a Wednesday One-Liner?

Guy in white shirt and tie: So what, so what if the aliens landed in Brooklyn? And they start shooting their guns, their laser guns on the corner, in the candy store? What then? Do we just let them in the shelter?

–John Jay College of Criminal Justice

Crazy guy: I am an alien from outer space! I have crash landed on your planet! This is our language! (saxophone solo)

–C Train

Overheard by: Emily B.

Conductor: We will be stopped at the next station for ten minutes. You are not allowed to exit the train, so that means no smoke breaks or bathroom trips. If you do get off of the train you will be abducted by aliens and never heard from again.

–Amtrak Train, Penn station

Overheard by: Madge

Hobo to teen girls: Can you spare some change for a space man? I wanna get drunk later.

–94th St & Broadway

Posted on October 14, 2009
All Wednesday One-Liners, College, Conductors, Crazies, Drinking & Drunk People, Guys, Hobos, Instruments, Language Barrier, Music, Offers and requests, On the Subway, One-liners, Panhandling, Pee, Penn Station, Public Transportation, Questions, Smoking, Teens, Threats, Time, Trains Not Subway, Upper West Side & Lincoln Center, Vampires, Ghouls, and Ghosts, oh my!, Weapons, Wednesday One-Liners, Wishes & desires

Wednesday One-Liners for T

Announcer: There is a downtown b as in "brothel" train approaching 81st Street. That's right. Brothel.

–81st St Station

Angry hobo, after receiving no money: Well, fine, screw you all! The reason you ain't giving me anything is cause no of y'all speak English. They should call this the "e" for "immigrant" train.

–E Train

Overheard by: Matt

Dude outside bar at happy hour: He expects me to be a BFF. But I'm just a bf… No, I'm just an f.

–9th Ave & 56th St

Overheard by: K Melv

Businesswoman on cell: No… the letter s… "s" as in "shot."

–Madison Square Park

Crazy woman to herself: My mom always called me "a" because, when I was little, really little, like before I could talk, I would sing "a a a a a a" over and over. And that was the joke, that I knew the first letter of the alphabet. (shrugs)

–S79 Bus

Little kid, singing alphabet song: A – b – c – d – h – i – v!

–M102 Bus

Posted on October 14, 2009
AIDS, All Wednesday One-Liners, Bus, Clerks, Crazies, Friendship, Guys, Hobos, Homeless, Insults, Kids, Language Barrier, Madison Square Garden, Midtown & Hell's Kitchen, On Cell, On the Bus, On the Subway, Panhandling, Parents, Parks, Public Transportation, Singing, Street, Stupidity, Subway stations, platforms, etc., Suits, Wednesday One-Liners, Women, Words

Before I Was Promoted to Crack Fiend

Hobo #1: You know Allen? Allen is a crackhead!
Hobo #2: You know… I used to be a crackhead.

–28th St & 8th Ave

Posted on October 13, 2009
Chelsea & the Meatpacking District, Hard Drugs, Hobos, Homeless, Insults

…In Omaha.

Hobo to tourist lady: Can you spare a dollar? Some change?
Tourist lady: Sorry, not today.
Hobo, mumbling as he walks away: Okay, see ya tomorrow.

–Times Square

Overheard by: Rebecca

Posted on October 12, 2009
Hobos, Homeless, Money & Class, Panhandling, Times Square, Tourism, Tourists

But, Hey, Hot Animal Sex Is Hot Animal Sex.

Inebriated hobo #1: Yo, man… I'm just sayin'… I'd take a zebra dick over a donkey dick any day.
Inebriated hobo #2: (silence)
Inebriated hobo #1: But don't even get me started on King Kong…

–grand central

Posted on October 4, 2009
Animals & Nature, Drinking & Drunk People, Drunks, Film, Grand Central, Hobos, Penis

Give Me a Wednesday With One-Liners, Long Beautiful One-Liners

Latino nanny to redheaded toddler, after he throws his hat at her: Put your hat back on your hair! It's freaking people out.

–Central Park

Disheveled raggedy hobo, reprimanding suit: Get a haircut!

–Wachovia Wells Fargo

Overheard by: CS

Loud black girl on cell phone: You know where the train station is, where all them homeless people live? Yeah, that's where I go get my hair done. She doesn't fuck my hair up, because I told her, "you best not fuck my hair up." And now she never does. (chuckles)

–LIRR

Overheard by: kill her

Beautiful angry woman on cell: I had told you to meet me at 116th Street because I got my hair in my bag! My weave hair! I had wanted to do my hair later, because it's too damn hot to be sitting up in that place. But I'm not going to no damn barbecue with weave hair in my bag!

–The Bronx

Overheard by: Shrimp on the barbie

Little boy with squirt gun: No! You wetted my hair! My beautiful flowing hair!

–Rockefeller Park

Posted on September 30, 2009
All Wednesday One-Liners, Anger Management, Bank, Beauty, Black People, Central Park, Clothing, Food, Girls, Hair, Heat, Hobos, Homeless, Kids, Latinos, Laughter, On Cell, One-liners, Parks, Physical appearance, Suits, The Bronx, Threats, Trains Not Subway, Wall Street, TriBeCa, South Street Seaport, Weapons, Wednesday One-Liners, Weirdness, Wishes & desires, Women

I Know You Guys Can't Help Yourselves

Hobo: Where you guys from?
Tourists: Australia.
Hobo: Oh, far, far, far. Tip for you: break the law on weekends. If you break the law on weekdays, it's easier to get caught. But break it on weekends, you can get away with it.
Tourists: Oh… awesome. Thanks.

–C Train

Overheard by: freckles

Posted on September 29, 2009
Advice, Compare/Contrast, Crime and Punishment, Hobos, On the Subway, Tourism, Tourists, Weirdness

I Clean Up Great— It Just Takes a Long Time

Hobo to 20-something girls: How about some money?
(girls ignore him and keep walking)
Hobo: How about a threesome?
Girls: Are you serious?

–SoHo

Overheard by: I don't think so

Posted on September 28, 2009
Girls, Hobos, Homeless, Money & Class, Offers and requests, Pick-up Lines, Questions, Soho, Three is Company, Weirdness

Yo Soy Wednesday-One-Liner!

Hobo with guitar, singing: My girl! That white girl is my girl! She may look like Brooke Shields but she's my girl! My girl! Oooh-ooh… Come on, everybody, sing with me, Puerto Ricans, too!

–1 Train

Overheard by: Tater

Drunk Puerto Rican father to man on train, yelling: The capital of Puerto Rico is the Bronx, bitch!

–6 Train

Overheard by: Alice Dalice

Guy, about some girls: I tried to tell them I was Puerto Rican, but they kept saying I was from Spain and called me a douchebag.

–East Village

Overheard by: NYCGlamDiva

Diner waitress: Just because he's Puerto Rican don't mean he's a cheetah.

–Park Slope

Overheard by: monkey girl

Asian girl to Hispanic guy: Come on! She's, like, the Puerto Rico of Asia!