Languages

Around the World in Wednesday One-Liners

Dude: Mount Olympus is just, like, one giant trailer park.

–Central Park

Overheard by: Jessica

Guy: People in Vietnam are different than us.

–Park & 24th

Overheard by: Sabrina

Girl to friend: Say something in British, or wherever you're from… Switzerland!

–8th St & 6th Ave

Overheard by: Larry

Supposedly well-traveled woman: But you know where I want to go next? Buenos Aires! They haven't changed to the Euro yet.

–3rd & B

Hipster: I'm going to punch Uzbekistan.

–West 42nd St

Hipster girl to boyfriend: People like you, you're the reason people die in Mexico!

–18th & 1st

Overheard by: Jessica

Even When They Know It, They Pretend Not To

Girl: So he's French.
Flaky girl: But has he ever *tried* to speak English?

–Q Train

Overheard by: where there's a will there's a way!

He Would’ve Said “Mate”

Guy: I like it when people copulate onstage.
Girl: “Copulate?!” What are you, David Attenborough?

–NYU

Tim Gunn?

Girl: Honey, who’s that white guy in our class?
Boy: Which guy?
Girl: The white guy with the accent? It’s like a gangster accent?
Boy: Gangster accent?
Girl: You know: “Yo yo, what’s up?” (throws up gang signs)
Boy: I didn’t know gangsters had accents.

–Parsons New School for Design

Headline by: LJ

Runners-Up:
· “A Whole New Way to Fulfill a Language Requirement” – Bill
· “And Since When Did “The Shocker” Become a Gang Sign?” – cbeck
· “Clearly You Haven’t Spent Enough Time Watching Bad Dance Movies” – mk
· “Keanu Reeves Deeply Researches Yet Another Role” – Bevan
· “Parsons New School Of Liberal Denial Is on 43rd.” – EddieA
· “That’s Not an Accent. He’s Deaf. Those Aren’t Gang Signs. It’s Sign Language.” – DB
· “The REAL Michelle and Barack” – Qasar

Click here to see the new Headline Contest

The Tao Of Wednesday One-Liners

Subway rider to Japanese tourist: You guys need to stick up for yourselves, man. You know what I’d say if I was from Japan? I’d say: "I am yokozuna, muthafucka!"

–E Train, 42nd St

Male customer to clerk, after computer system goes down: I guess you have some little Chinese guy in the back working on the problem.

–Brooklyn DMV

40something woman walking dogs to friend: You know, these dogs are half Chinese. With all these things going on in China, they get very upset! (friend gives skeptical look) I’m serious!

–Upper West Side

Crazy lady, to no one in particular: All Carpenter songs are actually Korean national anthems. If a Korean is bludgeoning you, just sing a national anthem and they will stop. If a Korean is bludgeoning you, just sing a national anthem and they will stop. It’s the Koreans who do most of the bludgeoning, and that’s what upsets me.

–99 Cent Pizza, 41st & 9th Ave

Overheard by: Michael O’Connor

Worker, sounding pleasantly surprised: Oh, Asians! Damn! Asians!

–Canal Street and Centre Street, Chinatown

Just Like I Only Make Fun of Blacks For the Color of Their Skin

Salesman: Ah, so soly. Mr. Wong not in today.
Saleswomen: My boyfriend’s Asian. Don’t make fun of them.
Salesman: I’m not making fun of them. I’m making fun of the way they talk.

–Sales Department, SoHo

Bone Wednesday-One-Liners-N-Harmony

Gay thug: I better be able to attend the motherfuckin’ flower show or I’m going to hit someone.

–1 Train

Thug: Man, he told us not to add more sugar but we put more sugar in that sauce. Shit was panty-droppin, son.

–Deli, 21st St & 6th Ave

Overheard by: Ryn

Thug, in high-pitched voice and flailing arms, while running across the street in front of oncoming UPS truck: Aaaah! Aaaah! Aaaah!

–45th St & 8th Ave

Thug, to friend: That shit done tore my heart!

–N Train

Puerto Rican thug: Au revoir, here is my choo-choo train.

–F Train Platform

Overheard by: Garuda

Spike Lee Encourages You to Get on the Wednesday One-Liners

Bus driver: Next stop… Moheegan Sun–I mean 5th Avenue.

–Crosstown 86th Bus

Chinatown bus driver: Does anyone know how to get to Chinatown?

–Chinatown Bus

Bus driver: Utopia, transfer to the… Hmmm, the Q, the Q, the Q tres y uno. For all you Americans that’s the Q31.

–Q46 Bus

Bus driver as bus approaches 7th Ave: Next stop is 8th ave… or Broadway… or whatever street this is.

–M27 Bus

Overheard by: JoBell

Bus driver: Can you people please move back? It’s really crowded on here, you might find your future wife or something.

–48 Bus, Staten Island

Overheard by: Patricia!

Cranky bus driver on extremely crowded bus: This is Central Park West, get off. I mean, have a nice day!

–M86 Bus

Overheard by: Cori

Just Don’t Call It the “Black Plague”

Student #1: You know in French they have Ebonics too.
Student #2: Like creole?
Student #1: Yeah.
Student #3: Ebonics, I thought that was some sort of disease, like bubonic.
Student #2: Dude! What the hell?
Student #3: What do I know? I’m an engineer.

–Columbia University Athletics Van

Overheard by: Barnard student

We’ll Discuss This Further in Our Unit on Assassins

[Class is conjugating Japanese verbs in the “to make someone or let someone” form.]Student #1: To make someone eat.
Student #2: To make someone sit.
Student #3: To make someone forget. [Beat, then in English.] Wait, how can you make someone forget something?
Japanese teacher, totally serious: Bourne Identity.

–Japanese Class, Columbia University

Overheard by: Vicksburg

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