Wednesday One-Liners Believe You Have Their Red Swingline Stapler

Black suit on cell : What'cha mean you can't get a job? Tupac's been dead for years and the nigga's still putting out albums!

–Center St & Pearl St

Overheard by: Big Larry

Friendly suit to friend: It's not about getting the work done! It's about…well, I don't know what it's about.

–Vessey & Broadway

Overheard by: mondo man

Suit in next office: Okay, I have officially hated today! (phone rings) No! Fuck you!

–Office Building, W 46th St

Overheard by: TheGreenCat

Guy on cell: So, did you find me a job yet? (pause) Well, I want something that isn't challenging, pays well, and doesn't care when I show up.

–NJ Transit

Overheard by: Cori

Guy on cell (about to start bank teller shift): Come on and hurry up. I'm trying to get drunk before I start my second job.

–Chase Bank, Times Square

Young woman yelling into cell after being refused entrance: Goddamn, whose dick I got to suck to get my career started? Tell me where they at!

–Lobby, Herald Square Towers

Posted on September 3, 2008
All Wednesday One-Liners, Anger Management, Bank, BJs, Black People, Buildings, Compare/Contrast, Death, Guys, Insults, Jobs & Careers, Lower Manhattan, Midtown & Hell's Kitchen, Money & Class, Murray Hill and Gramercy, Offers and requests, On Cell, On the Subway, Questions, Suits, Times Square, White People

Mild-Mannered Wednesday by Day. One-Liner by Night.

Chick on cell: Do you prefer the superhero theme to us in only aprons, holding penis cakes?

–Garden of Eden Supermarket, 107th & Broadway

Overheard by: Ladle

White guy to white girl: Wait, you'd be proud to be supermanned by me?

–D Train

(at the superhero fashion exhibit, in front of Catwoman's display)
Man to little kid: Oh, and look! She has a whip. I wonder what that's for…

–Metropolitan Museum of Art

Overheard by: EK

Black guy on cell: Nigga, you can't be James Bond and Batman, you pick which one you are.

–Smith & 9th St, Brooklyn

Overheard by: Ewan Walsh

Girl on cell: Am I gonna need to drug you, put you in a superhero costume, and snap photos?

–Halloween Adventure Store

Overheard by: McF

Batman to four-year-old who jumped out from behind a table: Evan, don't sneak up on me. Superheroes are wound very tight.

–Birthday party, Museum of Natural History

Overheard by: PG

Posted on August 27, 2008
All Wednesday One-Liners, Black People, Brooklyn, Clothing, Drugs, Girls, Guys, Men, Midtown & Hell's Kitchen, Museum of Natural History, Offers and requests, On Cell, On the Subway, Penis, Pictures, Questions, Sexuality, Store, Superheroes, The Met, Upper East Side, Upper West Side & Lincoln Center, Weirdness, White People

Wednesday One-Liners in Clear Heels

Woman on cell: I may or may not have just accidentally become a sex worker.

–40th & 9th

Overheard by: McFreaky

Attractive gay man to boyfriend: If I had a better body, I would be a prostitute.

–W 4th & 6th Ave

Overheard by: rpk

Girl to friends: Just slap me! Slap me like a Thai hooker, for god's sake.

–115th & Broadway

Overheard by: columbia undergrad

Five-year-old boy: Mom, what's a gigolo?

–6 Train

Overheard by: Justine

Woman yelling into a cell: For the love of god, I'm sleeping with men for crack. Do you really think that would mess with my list of priorities?

–2nd Ave & Houston

Overheard by: Wonders what the suggestion was

20-something woman on cell: Wait–am I in the sex industry?

–NJ Transit

Overheard by: Poogins

Posted on August 27, 2008
All Wednesday One-Liners, Beauty, Bitch-slap, Boyfriends, Compare/Contrast, Ew, Jersey, Friends, Girls, Hard Drugs, Jobs & Careers, Midtown & Hell's Kitchen, Offers and requests, On Cell, On the Subway, Prostitutes, Prostitution, Queer guys, Questions, Sexuality, Upper West Side & Lincoln Center, West Village, Women

A Gaggle Of Wednesday One-Liners

Guy on cell: I mean, it was bigger than a horse. But it had four humps.

–14th & 2nd

Overheard by: LIZ

Drunk man: A plastic sheep or a real sheep… When it comes down to it… is there really any difference?

–Biddy Early's Pub

Chick on cell: It's better than riding a golden yak!

–Morningside Heights

Overheard by: Ursula & Winifred

Man to friend: Did I mean "wombats"? Of course I meant fucking wombats!

–3 Train

Blonde: What is a mongoose and where can I get one?

–Times Square

Guy on cell (fumbling with a pack of Marlboros): Well, for one, it’s been ten days since the baby snakes have eaten.

–92nd St & Broadway

Overheard by: The Mad Man

Middle-aged white guy: …so we told the children they couldn't go to the petting zoo, to see how they would react. (pause) It was interesting on a psychological level.

–Outside of Butler Library, Columbia University

Overheard by: Ladle

Posted on August 27, 2008
All Wednesday One-Liners, Animals & Nature, Babies, Bars & Clubs, Body Parts, Columbia (& Barnard), Columbia University, Compare/Contrast, Drunks, Friends, Girls, Guys, Harlem & Morningside Heights, Library, Men, Offers and requests, On Cell, On the Subway, Psychology, Questions, Times Square, Union Square and East Village, Upper West Side & Lincoln Center, Wall Street, TriBeCa, South Street Seaport, White People, Words

There Are So Few of Us in the City

Girl on cell: I am trashed… Well, actually, I'm drunk.
Passer-by: Hey, me too!

–6th St & Avenue B

Posted on August 24, 2008
Compare/Contrast, Default, Drinking & Drunk People, Drunks, Girls, On Cell, Strangers, Union Square and East Village

Only Thirty-Nine More Quarters to Go!

Hobo: Can you spare a quarter?
Young female Brit on phone: Just a sec, Mitch* (turns to hobo) what is it?
Hobo: A quarter, can you spare a quarter?
Brit: A qua-what?
Hobo: Twenty five fucking cents!
Brit: Here, have your quarter. No…in fact, take a dollar, go get pissed, or do crack. Or weed. Whatever you…
Hobo (interrupting): Actually, I was thinking sushi tonight.

–29th & 6th

Posted on August 23, 2008
Brits, Chelsea & the Meatpacking District, Compare/Contrast, Default, Drugs, Ethnic Food, Girls, Hard Drugs, Hobos, Homeless, Money & Class, Offers and requests, On Cell, Panhandling, Questions, Weed

Flushed and Slurring Wednesday One-Liners

Female baggage handler to male colleague: I don't drink tequila no more. That's how I got my first kid.

–LaGuardia Airport

Very impressed girl on cell: Whoa! You actually remembered her name this time? Were you not drunk?

–12th St & University Place

Overheard by: Mr. Hedge

Seemingly sober grad student: Let's face it. We'll be drunk in (checks watch) fifteen minutes.

–Fayerweather Hall, Columbia University

Overheard by: Ladle

NYC police officer: How hard can it be to find a drunk person on this floor?

–Port Authority Bus Terminal

Overheard by: Vanessa

Girl with drink, to friends: This will have to be my last one, guys, I have to go babysit.

–Greenwich Ave & Charles Street

Overheard by: Jodi

Posted on August 20, 2008
All Wednesday One-Liners, Columbia (& Barnard), Columbia University, Cops, Coworkers, Drinking & Drunk People, Friends, Girls, Jobs & Careers, Kids, LaGuardia Airport, Nicknames & name calling, On Cell, Port Authority, Pregnancy & Birth Control, Questions, Students, The Village, Time, Women

Wednesday One-Liners Can't Talk Here. It Isn't Safe

Conspiracy theorist: The government knows everything these days. The goddamn E-ZPass knows when I'm going to be intimate.

–Sly Fox Bar

Overheard by: Cait O'Connor

Dude on cell (angrily): You should not be paying that much for oil, man… No, we are not going to run out of oil anytime soon! Don't you know that there are X-ray satellites all around the Earth, and they know the location of all the oil, natural gas, and aluminum under the ground? We can do that, because we have the satellite technology!

–Bronx 2 Train

Elderly man seeing another with cochlear implant: Wow… now they re talking to your brain!

–Time Warner Building, Columbus Circle

Overheard by: michael

Drunk hobo on R train: I never met a woman that wasn't a federal agent. You can't trust women. Women are like computers. Never trust a machine that can think.

–R Train

High school girl: You know what I just found out? Those crop circles are real! I didn't know that! And if you take an electronic device down there to video tape them, it will explode.

–Wendy's

Posted on August 20, 2008
Advice, All Wednesday One-Liners, Body Parts, Buildings, Central Park, Cops, Drunks, Gender issues, Girls, Government, Guys, Hobos, Men, Money & Class, Old People, On Cell, On the Subway, Queens, Restaurants & Cafes, Science, Teens, The Bronx

Wednesday One-Liners: Ribbed for Her Pleasure

Loud office chick: Oh my god, I found, like, four condoms on the bookshelf!

–Hudson St

Overheard by: Harriet Vane

Serious teen on cell: If you use a condom… It doesn't count.

–Murray Hill

40-something woman to two 20-year-old men: Don't believe any girl when she tells you she's on birth control. Take your condom and keep it in your wallet.

–19th St & 5th Ave

Overheard by: McCrum

Guy on cell: You're just mad because your dick is tiny and the condom slipped off.

–Greenpoint, Brooklyn

Powerwalking Indian woman: I mean, isn't that why I went on the pill? So guys can come in me?

–40th & Queens Blvd, Queens

Overheard by: Ohmarkus

Posted on August 20, 2008
Advice, All Wednesday One-Liners, Brooklyn, Condoms, Desi, Girls, Guys, Murray Hill and Gramercy, On Cell, Penis, Pregnancy & Birth Control, Queens, Teens, Weirdness, Women

Wednesday One-Liners' Cups Runneth Over

Thug on phone: Yo, man, you know that bitch I rent my room from? Those titties are triple F or some shit, man! (pause) How do I know that? Cause I looked through her drawers, that's how! (pause) Cause whenever I talk to that bitch, those things are in my face! I had to find out!

–17th St & 5th Ave

Overheard by: redshikari

Dude: I have barometric boobies!

–Jujutsu Class, 13th & 7th

Overheard by: Ladle

Dude to friend: Dude, sometimes you just have to say no to boobs.

–St. Mark's Chipotle

College student: Those tits in that shirt look awful… I wanna see cleavage, not leverage.

–Columbia University

Suit on cell: You should get paid more because of how big your boobs are!

–74th & 3rd

Overheard by: Joanna L.