New York's Finest Wednesday One-Liners

Black kid after seeing white girl in gym clothes run by: Man, for a second I thought that white girl was running from the cops too!

–Fordham Road, The Bronx

Overheard by: run, white girl, run

Middle-aged black lady yelling on crowded train: Young black men stand the fuck up! Kill the NYPD!

–A Train

Little kid to bus driver, after a police car siren is heard: Whenever I hear a police car siren, I always think that they are getting donuts, 'cause, ya know, cops love donuts, right?

–B41 Bus

Dude: I was playing the new GTA. I drove around looking for my apartment but couldn't find it, so I just shot a bunch of cops.

–Columbus Circle

Cop with M-4 assault rifle (serious voice, on a sunny day): It's raining men out here.

–86th & Lexington

Posted on November 6, 2014
All Wednesday One-Liners, Black People, Central Park, Cops, Crime and Punishment, Guys, Junk Food & Fast Food, Kids, Murder, Offers and requests, On the Bus, On the Subway, Pop Culture, Race, Sensory Experiences, The Bronx, Upper East Side, Video Games, Women

Wednesday One-Liners Belch Diesel Fumes

Excited bus driver: Next stop, 6th Avenue! Herald Square! Vicky's secret! Something for everyone! Get off!! Get off!

–M16 Bus

Overheard by: nora!

Bus driver: Everyone who is exceedingly good-looking move to the back of the bus!
(people giggle but still not much room in front)
Bus driver: Well, it's good to know you're a modest bunch, but you gotta move back or I'm not moving this bus.

–Bus, Central Park West

Overheard by: passenger

Bus driver over sound system: Dis bus is out of service! Dis bus is out of service! People in da back get up, close the fucken back window, and leave!

–Bx9 Bus

Bus driver over intercom: Good morning, this is a friendly reminder that the holiday shopping season now begins the day after Halloween. Make sure to allot six hours extra travel time as the city gets rather hectic at this time.

–M23 Bus

Bus driver over intercom: Come on, move back, people. There's coffee and jelly donuts in the back of the bus.

–Crosstown Bus, 57th St

Overheard by: Flexy

Bus driver (calmly): Move to the back of the bus. I heard there is mad room in the back of the bus. Mad room. I got an e-mail up here that says there is mad room in the back. Can someone quantify how much is "mad" for me? Mad room in the back of the bus. Mad room. Mad room!

–Crowded Q 55 Bus

Overheard by: Matt

Bus driver: This is the Q44 express going to Jamaica. We are traveling along Main Street, next stop is 41st Avenue. For those of you that don't speak English: blah, blah, blah, blah…

–Bus, Flushing

Posted on November 6, 2014
Advice, All Wednesday One-Liners, Beauty, Bus Drivers, Central Park, Coffee, Directions, Food, Insults, Internet, Language Barrier, Laughter, Midtown & Hell's Kitchen, Offers and requests, On the Bus, Passengers, Physical appearance, Public Transportation, Time, Travel, Wednesday One-Liners, Weirdness, Words

The Gossip Girl Scene That Never Made It to Air

Teen boy #1: I don't like any of her family except her mom. She's okay.
Teen boy #2: Her mom is crazy, yo. I want to rape her with this umbrella. I bet you if I fucked her, she wouldn't even remember, she's so crazy. Wouldn't it be cool if there were a hot chick, like 21, with Alzheimer's and you fucked the shit out of her and then the next day she couldn't remember?

–Q44 Bus

Overheard by: Collegiate Cutie

Posted on October 30, 2014
Crazy, Family Ties, Health and Hygiene, On the Bus, Rape, Sex, Teens, Weirdness

Just Discreetly Poison Yourself at Home Like a Lady

NYU girl #1: … Like those people who kill themselves by throwing themselves onto the subway tracks.
NYU girl #2: Yeah, right? I mean, I know you want to die and everything, but could you like not make me late??

–NYU Bus

Overheard by: wow

Posted on October 30, 2014
Default, Girls, NYU, On the Bus, Public Transportation, Stupidity, Suicide, Time, Weirdness, Wishes & desires

Wednesday, Are You Fucking Kidding Me With These One-Liners?

Fat chick to cute friend's blind date: So, wait, is Jean Garafolo a man or a woman?

–Tribeca

Overheard by: Becka Dash

20-something blonde girl: Is there an English word for "quesadilla"?

–F Train

Checkout lady, pausing with a container of hummus after scanning it: Lots of people buy this stuff…what is it?

–Myrtle St

Overheard by: Myrtle & Carlton

Woman entering RadioShack: Excuse me, do you have radios?

–RadioShack, 72nd & Broadway

B9 bus driver to passengers: Make a left here?

–B9 Bus

Overheard by: VeganBeauty

Posted on October 29, 2014
About Celebrities, All Wednesday One-Liners, Bus Drivers, Clerks, Ethnic Food, Fat People, Friends, Girls, Languages, On the Bus, On the Subway, One-liners, Passengers, Questions, Sexuality, Shopping, Store, Street, Stupidity, Upper West Side & Lincoln Center, Wednesday One-Liners, Women

And Her Apparent Clitoral Hypertrophy

Girl: My new roommate gets freaked out by my composting. She’s like, why are there egg shells and coffee grounds in this bin?
Boy: She has other things to be more freaked out about, like her mustache.

–B54 Bus

Posted on October 27, 2014
Boys, Comebacks, Compare/Contrast, Default, Fears, Food, Girls, Hair, On the Bus, Physical appearance

Surgeon: So I’ll Stop Your Heart, Cut You Open, and… What the Fuck? She Hung Up on Me Again!

Old woman #1: … so now I have to go all the way downtown, because I’ve been getting these death threats from this man.
Old woman #2: And when is your surgery?
Old woman #1: I missed it because I was so distracted by the threats.

–Bx7 bus

Overheard by: me and my grandma, sitting behind them

Posted on October 27, 2014
Age/Aging, Health and Hygiene, Old People, On the Bus, Violence, Women

What Self-Respecting New Yorker Can’t Distinguish Between a Pothead and a Crackhead?

White trash girl, looking out of bus window: Look at Ed*. He looks like a fucking lumberjack. He needs a shave.
White trash guy: That Ed* -he’s a fucking crackhead.
White trash girl: I thought he smoked pot?
White trash guy: Crack, pot -what’s the difference?
Hipster guy sitting behind them: Excuse me, I’m Ed*’s best friend. He’s definitely a pothead. He never does crack. But he does look like a lumberjack.

–Q54 Bus

Posted on October 23, 2014
Compare/Contrast, Default, Friendship, Girls, Guys, Hard Drugs, Hipsters, Insults, On the Bus, Physical appearance, Questions, Weed, White Trash

Ten Bucks Says the “Chick in the Restaurant” Was His Hand in a KFC Bathroom

Married guy on cell: So, last night I was out with this chick and she, like, went down on me in the restaurant. Then I went to the other room and saw this girl I used to date and we did it in the–
70-year-old lady, tapping guy on shoulder: –Excuse me, mister — the entire bus can hear your conversation.
Married guy on cell: Uh, I’ll call you back [disembarks as soon as possible].

–M1 bus

Overheard by: Ari

Posted on October 13, 2014
Assholes, BJs, Infidelity, Men, Old People, On Cell, On the Bus, Promiscuity, Stupidity, Women

On the Bus