Passenger, getting on bus and not swiping Metrocard: I don't gotta swipe. It's all set.
Driver: Oh, yes you do. Christ himself come on, he gotta swipe.
–Q32 Bus, Queens
Overheard by: Your friendly neighborhood Newsbunny
Passenger, getting on bus and not swiping Metrocard: I don't gotta swipe. It's all set.
Driver: Oh, yes you do. Christ himself come on, he gotta swipe.
–Q32 Bus, Queens
Overheard by: Your friendly neighborhood Newsbunny
Conductor yelling in Indian accent: Please get in the train, it's not that crowded. (door closes and opens again) Get in the freaking train, it's not Mumbai, there is space, and keep you limbs inside the train, please!
–E Train
Overheard by: Ting
Loud man as doors open on a packed rush-hour train: What you need to do is…put out your hand and say, "no, you will not fit." And then, if that don't work, take your umbrella, and open it up.
–4 Train
Seated woman to older lady leaning over her: Lady, back your fupa up!
–F Train
Overheard by: pwolf
Conductor: This train is tooo crowded, folks. There is another train behind us that looks just like this one. Take a look at this train, then wait for something that looks just like it.
–6 Train
Little tourist boy: There are more people in here than in all of New York!
–Dillan's Candy Store
Conductor: If you see something, say something.
Crazy fat lady reading book: Mind your own business, don't say anything. (a few minutes later) I don't wanna be no Asian, I don't wanna be the size of no Asian.
–Downtown A train
Train conductor: Ladies and gentlemen, if you see the doors are closing, don't throw yourselves at them.
–Uptown 6 Train
Conductor: Ladies and gentlemen, use all train doors. This is not a high school cafeteria line. Use all doors!
–C Train
Conductor: Stand clear of the closing doors. Please. Folks, I am not kidding, stand clear of the closing doors. Unless you like that whole cut-in-half look, then go right ahead and stand in the way.
–Uptown A Train
Overheard by: queen
Conductor: We are not auditioning for any amateur doormen today. Please let go of the closing doors.
–1 Train
Overheard by: RG
Door controller: Ladies and gentlemen, if you keep the doors open we will be here till Christmas. So don't do it.
–Downtown 6 Train
Overheard by: Vedant
Conductor: Ladies and gentlemen in the first car, please let the doors close. (people keep the doors open) Excuse me, please let the doors close. (people keep the doors open) Ladies and gentlemen, if you do not let the doors close, I will bite you. (doors close)
–Uptown 1 Train
Overheard by: amused passenger
5th grader to friends on stairs: So my brother burned a hole in the floor so we could spy on the neighbors.
–The Spence School
Overheard by: urbanadventurer
Hot 20-something: If another mediocre man hits on me after another mediocre meal I am going to burn the city down!
–1 Train
20-something to friend: The house burnt down, and now my dad has no eyebrows. No really, he has no eyebrows.
–Thompkin Square Park
Yuppie guy: You know, I think heartburn is the best kind of burn someone could have.
–Bleecker & Jones
Overheard by: Jas
Five-year-old boy, singing: Let the train, let the train, let the train be on fire!
(continues for a few minutes) Let China, let China, let China be on fire!
–F Train
Subway conductor: Ladies and gentlemen, this train is being held due to a…slight fire at the next station.
–C Train
Overheard by: G.
Conductor at Jamaica station: There is an express train to Babylon across the platform. It will get to Babylon nine minutes earlier than this train. I strongly recommend you take that train. In fact, I implore you to.
Drunk passenger: Wait…does this train still go to Babylon?
Sober passenger: Yes, just slower.
Drunk passenger: Then I ain't walking across no platform.
–LIRR
Overheard by: The WC
Recorded voice: Ladies and gentlemen, we are delayed by train traffic ahead of us. Please be patient.
Grumpy old man, to self: That's a lie. There's no train ahead of us.
–4 Train
Overheard by: Rich Mintz
Woman on cell: That's why I moved to Brooklyn: I hate people!
–Carrol Gardens
Overheard by: Smegma
Man on cell: No, no, no! You go to Brooklyn and suck that sweet white dick for free!
–35th & 8th
Brooklyn guy to date: I would walk all over Brooklyn for you! I would even walk all over Queens for you, you're so sweet!
–Tonio's Restaurant, 7th & 8th, Park Slope
Overheard by: D-Law
Train conductor: Because of a sick passenger at Clark Street, some of us may not be making it to Brooklyn…I'll let you know.
–Downtown 3 Train
Overheard by: D-Law
Conductor: This is York Street, the first stop in beautiful Brooklyn…yay!
–F Train
Train conductor: East Broadway, welcome to Manhattan. Especially you, tourists, you put my wife on the table–I mean, uh…my food.
–F Train
Overheard by: penelope
Petite 30-something washing clothes: Oh, no! His wife's gonna be there. I gotta get some razor blades.
–Laundry Mat, Broadway & Bushwick, Brooklyn
Overheard by: Matt
Middle aged suit to another: So the main problem my girlfriend and I have is that I really get along with my wife.
–A Train
Overheard by: Suzi
Thug to friend: There's just one thing I want people to say about my wife. Not that she's pretty, or that she's nice. I want them to say, "man, that nigga's wife's got a fat ass!"
–Grand Concourse
Cop to crowd: I suggest you use the other crosswalk, it's less congested. Stay here, risk your life…over there, save your wife!
–Radio City Music Hall
Man on cell: You don't love your wife?! (pause) Fuck you!
–42nd St & 7th Ave
Overheard by: Amina
Guy at party: I'm known for my creepy hugs.
–16th St & Union Square
Overheard by: Kitty
Hobo: Okay, you know the drill. I'm hungry, give me money so I can buy breakfast.
(nobody does) Alright, if you don't want to give any money, if you're reasonably attractive, hug a brotha! That works too.
–F Train
Panhandler: Any little bit helps, folks. Pennies, nickels, dimes, quarters. If you don't have any money this morning and you're, like, really attractive, you can just give me a big hug and rub up on me a little bit, and we'll call it even.
–F Train
Overheard by: kdice
Woman's voice on public announcement system: You want me to hug you?
–Port Authority
Ghetto Latina, seeing MTA worker hug crying bag lady: Shit, I'm from the Bronx, born and raised, and I ain't never seen no subway man be giving out free hugs. I seen shouting matches, I seen drug deals, I seen fist fights, but I ain't never seen no free hugs in a subway station. That's some fuckin dedication right there.
–59th St. Subway Station
Overheard by: slc boy
Subway panhandler: If you don't have any food, but you do happen to be, like, incredibly good looking, I do accept hugs. (middle aged man with L.L.Bean backpack smiles and holds his arms open invitingly) I'll have to give you a raincheck on that one, sir.
–F Train
Overheard by: linda
