Every Night, I Pray for More Wednesday One-Liners

Disgruntled MTA worker, to no one in particular: See? I don't like human beings all that much. I like animals, they mo' fo' real. (venomously) Y'all better be glad I'm not god.

–6 Train

30-something white guy to friends: I live in Mesopotamia, 'cause the gods are gangsta!

–W 83rd & Columbus Ave

Older MTA worker, comforting young passenger: GPS: Guidance, patience, strength. Give it over to god. Trust that motherfucker is going to handle it. Give me GPS and I can handle the rest!

–Union Square Subway Stop

Bag lady, drenched in rain: The joke's on you, god!

–9th St & University Place

20-something guy on phone: So then she tells me the reason my dad died is because god was trying to hurt me!

–Union Square

Overheard by: talker's remorse

30-something: I mean…he's a good looking guy, but then he found god.

–39th St

Posted on June 24, 2009
All Wednesday One-Liners, Animals & Nature, Bag ladies, Beauty, Clerks, Compare/Contrast, Death, Friends, Gadgets, God, Guys, Insults, Midtown & Hell's Kitchen, Old People, On the Subway, One-liners, Parents, Passengers, Physical appearance, Stupidity, Subway stations, platforms, etc., The Village, Union Square and East Village, Upper West Side & Lincoln Center, Wednesday One-Liners, Weirdness, Wiggers

Wednesday One-Liners Have the Reich Stuff

Fat guy in telephone booth: Yeah, well, Hitler invented the Volkswagen bus.

–7th Ave & Waverly

Overheard by: Mark Martin

Woman in alpine hat to another: I was not about to drag your half-conscious ass around a concentration camp!

–Zum Schneider German Restaurant/Bar

Overheard by: Nella

Guy: Jury duty is like the Holocaust. They put you in line and march you into a strange room.

–Off The Wagon Restaurant

Overheard by: thankfully not jewish

Teen boy: Yeah, after I watched that movie I couldn't talk to German people at all. For like a month afterwards, every time I saw a person who looked German I was like, "you evil, evil Nazi!"

–Bull Statue, Bowling Green

Little boy to friends: And next year, we're going to assassinate Hitler!

–66th St & 2nd Ave

Overheard by: Liz

Posted on June 24, 2009
All Wednesday One-Liners, Cars and Driving, Compare/Contrast, Crime and Punishment, Fat People, Foreigners, Friends, Glad the Condom Broke, Guys, Hitler/Nazis, Kids, Movies, Murder, One-liners, Parks, Physical appearance, Restaurants & Cafes, Street, Stupidity, Teens, The Village, Time, Upper East Side, Wall Street, TriBeCa, South Street Seaport, Wednesday One-Liners, Weirdness

…We'll Call Person B “Jamal”

Teacher, pointing to three figures on board: Now, greeny is on his computer sending an e-mail to reddy, who is on the phone with blacky.
Student: Blacky?
Teacher: Oh, dear. Person A is on the phone with person B…

–Millennium High School, Lower Manhattan

Overheard by: Adriana

Posted on June 23, 2009
Fast Times at New York High, Lower Manhattan, Questions, Race, School and studying, Science, Students, Stupidity, Teachers/Professors

Americans Prefer to Learn About Other Countries by Invading Them

Female yuppie, looking at cover of New York Times: Wow. Look at that picture!
Male yuppie: What is it?
Female yuppie: It's like, some Al Qaeda guy walking in the water with all his guns and stuff.
Male yuppie: Where is he?
Female yuppie: I don't know. Algeria?
Male yuppie: I didn't know there was water in Algeria.

–Crossroads Cafe, Brooklyn

Posted on June 23, 2009
Brooklyn, Global Geography, News, Pictures, Restaurants & Cafes, Stupidity, Terrorism, Weapons, Yuppies

At the Harvard Info Session, They Give You Unsolvable Rubik's Cubes

Stanford admissions officer: You'll need to submit either the act or the act as a part of your application.
Audience: (confused silence)
Audience member: You said “act” twice.
Stanford admissions officer: Sorry. Stanford will take your composite score from the act and break it down, looking at the individual components. If you choose to take the act with writing instead, we will look at your best composite score.
Kid, muttering to dad: Is this some kind of mind game?

–Morgan Stanley Headquarters, Stanford University Information Session

Overheard by: I swear I wasn't mishearing him say

Posted on June 23, 2009
Academics, College, Dads, Jobs & Careers, Kids, Parents, Questions, Stupidity, Words

Why Frazzled-Looking Ladies Make Excellent Drug Mules

Cop doing random bag checks to young woman rushing through station: Excuse me, ma'm…
Young woman: (glances at cop)
Cop, backing up: Oh, you're in a hurry. (turns around, woman keeps running, bag unchecked)

–F Train

Posted on June 21, 2009
Cops, On the Subway, Stupidity, Women

Thin Crust, Then?

Cashier to black man coming in with brochures and clipboard: Sir, we don't allow soliciting in here.
Black solicitor: I ain't Sicilian!

–Williamsburg

Overheard by: Holly

Posted on June 20, 2009
Activists, Black People, Cashiers, Stupidity, Williamsburg, Words

We Should Probably Stop Hauling Them Around in Duffel Bags

Girl #1: Did that cab smell like something to you?
Girl #2: Yeah, it smelled like burgers.
Girl #1: I was going to say smelled like the refugees.
Girl #2: What the fuck?

–44th & 9th

Overheard by: penny

Posted on June 19, 2009
Compare/Contrast, Girls, Insults, Junk Food & Fast Food, Midtown & Hell's Kitchen, Public Transportation, Scents of the City, Sensory Experiences, Stupidity

I Still Don't Get Why You Were Pantsless, Though

Asian chick: Really!? Seriously!? That's so rude! I've never had anything like that happen to me before!
Blonde friend: Yeah, I know! What an asshole!
Asian chick: Wait, are you sure? He just fingered you with all those people in the restaurant watching?
(friends laugh)
Asian chick: Wait…what? I don't get it. That's what people say, right? He fingered you. He put his middle finger up.
Brunette friend, still laughing: No, no! He gave her the finger. He did not finger her.
Asian chick: Oh! Wow! I'm so glad I made that mistake now. I would have told everyone that she got fingered tonight.

–8th Ave, Chelsea

Overheard by: Wondering how anyone makes that mistake…