Suits

Why Did the Wednesday One-Liners Cross the Road?

Running jaywalker: The worst car to get hit by is a Mini Cooper!

–University & 10th St

Overheard by: Knows trucks that beg to differ

Old man crossing the street, on cell: I’m crossing the fucking street!

–42nd & Broadway

Guy wearing yarmulke, to friend: Hey, watch out! Just because you’re Jewish doesn’t mean cars won’t run you over.

–Columbus Circle

Tourist suit to other suit: New Yorkers are so rude. Just wait till you see how they all cross the street at red lights!

–Metro North Train to Grand Central

Overheard by: Courtney Messer

Cop on loudspeaker, to Asian bimbo tourist trying to walk down the middle of Canal St: Sidewalks are open to the public. Please use them.

–Canal Street

Overheard by: F Tourists

[Two cops are waiting at the light. A woman jaywalks and almost gets hit by a car.]
Male cop: Phew! That would have been a lot of paper work.

–44th & Broadway

Overheard by: Aimee

You Make It Come Alive for Me All Over Again

Thug: Yo, you saw that “Pirates of the Caribbean”?
Suit: Yeah.
Thug, laughing hysterically: That part where they’re on the boats?
Suit: Yeah…
Thug: I’m just sayin’, it was funny though.

–34th & 10th

Overheard by: I laughed, I cried…

I Just Respect Her Power

Young suit #1: Dude, you’re not even seeing her, so why does it matter what kind of underwear you wear?
Young suit #2: If I’m not wearing the right underwear she yells at me in front of the whole office…

–74th & Amsterdam

Goin’ to the Chapel and We’re Gonna Get Wednesday One-Liners

Big bald guy: No, no, you don’t have to be ordained to marry people at the show. Just put on the Pope robe if you want to marry people.

–Office Building, Hudson St

Guy: I took your advice, bro. I’m gonna marry her in a little over three weeks. But… I gotta get drunk first.

–Houston & Broadway

Overheard by: erin

Suit #1 to suit #2: Well, maybe she won’t sign the pre-nup and then you’ll be free.

–Wall Street

Black chick: No! No! Ain’t no one gettin’ lynched at my wedding!

–Food Dimensions, Myrtle & Broadway

Overheard by: off white

Woman on cell: The only time he gets to be himself is when he goes away and that’s the way he saves the marriage… Otherwise it’s "Mommy, I don’t feel well’ and ‘Mommy, may I be excused from the table."

–23rd St & 5th Ave

Overheard by: Mugsy’s Moll

Goth chick on phone: He proposed to me while he was in me… Yea, well, I mean he told me after that he really meant it!

–Penn Station

Edwar Ramirez Threw a Puck Right Past Henrik Lundqvist

Businessman #1: Have you ever rode on the subway before?
Businessman #2: Yeah, last time I was here, we took it to a Yankee game. I think they were playing that other New York team, the Rangers.

–6 Train

Overheard by: Stef

There’s No Food Allowed on the Senate Floor

Suit #1: So, it was like a mafia meeting, with a bunch of guys sitting around eating sandwiches?
Suit #2: Nah, there were no sandwiches.

–Grand Central Station

Wednesday One-Liners Catch It in the End

Drunk girl: I don’t like god, he always tries to put it in my butt.

–D train

20-something man to friend: P.S. It was in the ass that I fucked her.

–3rd Ave

Overheard by: AdHoculi

Girl on cell: I mean, I don’t know if it’s because I like never do this or if it’s because it’s sooo big… But my ass is like really sore now! I mean, I can’t even sit down.

–UWS

Teenage girl on cell: You sound surprisingly perky for someone who just got butt raped.

–Grand Central

Overheard by: westchester girl

Young lady:… And then he jammed it in my shitbox.

–Livingston and Boerum, Brooklyn Heights

B&T suit on cell: You just have to level with her, dude. Just tell her that if she wants to land a husband in this day and age, she has to learn to like it in the butt.

–Madison Square Garden

Overheard by: David

The Shameless Name Dropping Of Wednesday One-Liners

Elegant lady on cell: I’m a powerful influence on the Kennedys.

–Columbus Circle

Overheard by: Wild Dog Boy

Fat black man to white man who breaks his umbrella while trying to help him open it: Aw, hells no. Don’t make me go all Britney Spears on yo’ ass.

–Duane Reade, 57th & Broadway

Chick, to guy: Danny Pintauro hit on you at a leather club?

–14th St & 6th Ave

Overheard by: Ladle

Professor to class: … The ark of the covenant gone, only to be found by Harrison Ford later on.

–Fordham University

Overheard by: Krisztina

Barista to meathead: … That’s the thing about Drew Bledsoe. He smokes a lot of marijuana.

–11th & Bedford

NYU girl: I want to be Patrick Dempsey! So I could fuck myself!

–Washington Square Park

Overheard by: Maya G.

Suit on cell: Dude, you’re dating Sigourney Weaver? Right now? Dude, are you kissing her? Are you grabbing her ass? Does she still have an ass at this point?

–66th & Broadway

Overheard by: Ken

Did You Even Read the Sign I Was Waving by the Side of the Road?

30-ish suit: I don’t think you really like me, just the *idea* of me. You know, I come off great at parties, and I make a lot of money, but really…
20-something hippie girl: Wait, wait…I just wanted easy sex.

–Union Square

Also, in a Real Glacier Walk, You Can Only Move a Few Inches a Year

Suit #1: Paul and I just came back from Alaska.
Suit #2: Did you do the glacier walk?
Suit #1: Paul did. He took three steps and then came back in.
Suit #2: Only three steps?
Suit #1: Well, it’s icy.

–Javits Center

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