Teens

What Runs Through Parents' Minds When They Picture Their Kids in the Big Apple

Drunk hobo: You guys are attractive. You got the hair thing going on and you have the sideburns working for you. (flexes biceps)
Teenage boys: Ummm… Thanks.
Drunk hobo: Guys… listen. Guys… birds of a feather fly together. Birds of a feather fly together. You don't see seagulls flying with pigeons or pigeons flying with seagulls. Birds of a feather fly together! You guys have any money?
(they give him some change, he walks away)
Sketchy man overlooking: Wow… that guy was crazy. Do you kids want some weed or some blow?

–Sitting Area, 48th & 8th

Overheard by: Brendan

A Crime Against Humanity.

Mom: So Good Luck Chuck kind of sucked, huh?
Teenage daughter: Well, what did they expect? It's Dane Cook and Jessica Alba, for crying out loud! That's bad luck!

–Tomoe Sushi

Overheard by: Sromeo

Kevin Decides to Get a Fitness Program and Some New Friends

Chinese teen #1: Dude, you are “Fat Kevin” on my cell.
Chinese teen #2: What?
Chinese teen #1: I can't tell all you Kevins' voices! There's a fat Kevin, a skinny Kevin, an Indian Kevin, and just Kevin.

–Internet Cafe, Flushing, Queens

Overheard by: Renata

Hormones: An OINY Short Story

Teenage boy #1: Dude, that mannequin was hot!
Teenage boy #2: Imagine if it had a head and limbs!

–Washington Square Park

Overheard by: Dave Rabkin

I Checked Her Birth Certificate

Hispanic teenage girl #1: I don't know about that girl. She just don't fit in with our group.
Hispanic teenage girl #2: Yeah, she think she ghetto fabulous, but she just ghetto.

–Brooklyn

Wednesday One-Liners Were Pretty Hot, Back in the Day

20-something man walking into restaurant: I'd never bring my grandmother here for a date!

–27th & Lexington

Teen: That shit was sick! That shit was sick! I wanna go home and slap my grandmother!

–94th & Amsterdam

Overheard by: Slapped her how?

Ghetto dude in fight with girlfriend: Your grandmother is a bitch!

–Murray St & Church St

Guy to friend: My grandma used to chase us around with fly swatters…

–Houston & Allen

But I've Had This Hoboner for More Than Four Hours

Hobo: Yo, boy! Can I ask you something for a minute?
Teenage boy, walking quickly: I'm sorry, I'm in a rush.
Hobo: Bitch, it's not like I wanna fuck you or anything!

–Barrow St

Overheard by: Poky

Pictorial Illiteracy Can Be Fatal

Hispanic teen to friend: Yo, none of the danger signs are in Spanish! “Do not lean on the doors, do not hold the doors.” The city doesn't care if we fall off the train and die!
Friend: Then you guys better start looking at the fucking stick figures!

–Uptown E Train

Overheard by: Tara

You're Gonna Find Out Who Killed Mr. Boddy, and You're Gonna Like It!

Teenage boy #1: Hey, let's go to my house.
Teenage boy #2: Why?
Teenage boy #1: To play a boardgame.
Teenage boy #2: I'm not playing a fucking boardgame!
Teenage boy #1: Yes you are!

–Barnes & Noble

Wednesday One-Liners Raise the Roofie

Woman on phone: Mommy, how many people do you know who have been raped as much as her? None, exactly!

–Midtown East

Overheard by: dtrain

Woman on cell: And I didn't get raped on the subway today! It's always a good day when I don't get raped.

–6th Ave & 10th St

Overheard by: that's always good

Teen meathead on cell: Wait what? I can't really hear you. (pause) You got raped? Wait… physically or emotionally? (pause) Both? Shit.

–American Eagle Dressing Room

Overheard by: Alyssa

College bro to friend: Nah, dude, it's even better than a date rape drug!

–East Village

Girl: There are some girls who he would be more likely to rape. She's not one of them.

–Graham Ave

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