The Village

Wednesday One-Liners for Uncle Walter

High-school teen to friend: So, like, every guy that likes me must totally be a pedophile.

–Flatbush & Dekalb, Brooklyn

13-year-old: I mean, he’s not a pedophile, he’s just very open with his sexuality, and I like that.

–8th & Broadway

Overheard by: Kelly

Lesbian on cell: I just saw these girls and they were pretty. Really pretty. And fifteen. But then I heard them talking and I realized they were French! So it’s fine. Fifteen is legal there.

–36th St & Fifth Ave

Middle-aged teacher: I have this girl in my class that’s a six-year-old with a 46-year-old woman’s body.

–Prem-On Thai

Overheard by: office peon

Guy who just got more beer: This is the happiest place on earth… Except for that kindergarten I’m not allowed to go back to anymore.

–McSorley’s, 7th & 3rd

Overheard by: I’ll drink to that!

Seven-year-old boy running after another child: I’m a pedophile! I’m a pedophile! I’m a pedophile!

–Coney Island Boardwalk

Overheard by: that’swhathesaid

Only There There’s Nothing Else to Do

Drunk guy with thick NY accent: You girls… You girls are visiting the greatest city in the world.
Drunk tourist girls: [giggle.]Drunk guy with thick NY accent: You wanna know why? You wanna know why this is the greatest city in the world?
Drunk tourist girl #1: Why?
Drunk guy with thick NY accent: ‘Cause I can stand right here on the street and ask you to suck my balls.
Drunk girl #1: Um, you can ask us that anywhere.
Drunk girl #2: Yeah… We’re from Wisconsin and people there ask us that all the time.

–Thompson and Bleecker

Overheard by: I guess the Cheeseheads are more brazen than we thought

I Didn’t Have the Heart to Correct Her When She Used It in the Garden

NYU smoker chick #1: You know, she doesn’t even do it at all.
NYU smoker chick #2: Like never? Wow, no wonder she’s so unhappy.
NYU smoker chick #1: Yeah, that’s what I said! I even bought her a vibrator, but she won’t use it!
NYU smoker chick #2: Really?
NYU smoker chick #1: Yeah, it was cute and everything. It looks like a flower. It was called the petal pleaser.

–NYU, University Place

Wednesday One-Liners Will Kick Your Ass at Beer Pong

Frat boy on cell: Next time this happens, just grab him by the penis and drag him into bed.

–Grand Central

Frat boy: I mean, STDs are nothing to worry about. There are more Pokemon than there are STDs!

–Bryant Park

Overheard by: Pikachu

Enthusiastic frat boy: Sure, sure, but back in history when there were no diseases…

–57th Street & 8th

Overheard by: Rose Fox

Frat boy on cell: If I were him, I’d tell her to get her boobs put in too, as long as she’s already under.

–Mercer & 8th

Incensed frat-type dude on cell: Dude! I didn’t fingerbang your sister in Tijuana! I’m not a snake like that. I fingerbanged her in Cancun, so it was on American soil… And you were in the next bed. Tell me you don’t remember any of this?!

–NR Train

And How Do Wednesday One-Liners Make You Feel?

Mother, to crying four-year-old trying to grasp her hand: If you don’t stop this behavior you are going to have to see a psychiatrist. [Child keeps at tantrum] This behavior is excessive and abnormal, and I don’t have the patience for it.

–Washington G Station

Stern bimbette: No. My fave dead therapist said that I need to make sure that I surround myself with people who are nice to waiters and their moms.

–Court Street & Joralemon, Brooklyn

NYU chick, calmly: So then I just had a teeny little breakdown!

–West 4th St

Woman on cell: So where are you? [pause] Is that "Therapy" the bar or therapy therapy?

–Manhattan Plaza Gym, 43rd St

Girl on cell: Don’t you think I’m a psycho? [pauses, laughs] Why not?

–Bedford and North 7th

20-something homo: Scientology is just like therapy except without the stigma of therapy.

–52nd & 9th

Overheard by: Trey Givens

But the Arachnid Look Was Kinda Last-Season

Tacky girl #1: These shoes are too cute! [Points to a pair of shiny, patent leather heels.] Aren’t they totally cute?
Tacky girl #2: Yeah. So cute.
Tacky girl #1: So great… They’re like shiny little spider claws!

–Clothing Boutique, Greenwich Village

Overheard by: Amy

Unlike Most McDonald’s Salads

Four-year-old boy to mom eating a Big Mac: Mommy, can I try some?
Mom: You won’t like it. It tastes like salad.

–McDonald’s, Broadway b/w Waverly and Astor Place

Overheard by: Jen

Now Are You Gonna Order or Do You Wanna Fuck With Me Some More?

Customer: Can I get an eggplant and mozzarella sandwich?
Employee: We outta eggs.
Customer: No, not eggs… Eggplant.
Employee: We outta eggs.
Customer: But eggplant and eggs are two entirely different things…
Employee, winking: The customer is always right.

–Au Bon Pain, Greenwich Village

Overheard by: Caelster

Assuming That What Suburban 13-Year-Olds Have Can Be Considered a “Life”

13-year-old boy #1: Dude, you know what I did? I totally called Donna and told her you made a date with a fat chick.
13-year-old boy #2: You did not.
13-year-old boy #1: I totally did. She thought it was really funny. Sorry.
13-year-old boy #3: You guys are wasting my time and my life. [gets up and leaves]

–Cosi, 13th St & 6th Ave

Overheard by: thank god i’m not 13 anymore

Wednesday One-Liners Snort When They Laugh

Guy to self: Doctor Jean Grey has the most powerful orgasm of all the X-Men.

–Union Square Park

Overheard by: Stan

Engineering school chick, screaming: And I was like, ‘Oh my god, this is the worst protractor ever!’

–Columbia University

Skanky hipster chick to another: I would totally do him… But only if I had the ninja outfit on.

–Ludlow St.

[Four NYPD cops are checking people’s bags at rush hour. A man in a suit appears to be their superior.]Man in suit: But then he realizes that Jedis don’t seek revenge. [The four cops all nod gravely.]

–W 4th St Subway Station

Overheard by: KL

Fiftyish suit: Chewbacca, the original wingman…

–86th & Lexington

Overheard by: Ike

Woman on cell: I’m busy. I’ve got things to do. And right now what I’m doing is looking at comic books.

–Forbidden Planet

Overheard by: Josh

Chick: We were always competing to be chief geek… But he had asperger’s, so he won.

–Central Park

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