Union Square and East Village

Wednesday One-Liners Would Like to Thank the Academy

Girl to a friend: I was piss drunk when I saw The Passion Of The Christ.

–Chelsea

Skateboarding juvenile delinquent to crew: We are totally like the movie Kids, all that's left is for me to get Aids.

–Mott & Prince

Overheard by: Dirty needle or gay sex, your choice

Suit to another: The soundtrack to Big Top Pee-wee was amazing.

–St. Mark's Place

Seven-year-old Asian boy to mother, during the movie Up: He loved and he lost…

–Regal Union Square Theater

Crazy 30-something man: Excuse me! You probably think I'm looking for money. I'm not. But I'm looking for a companion! A girl, aged 18 to 25, and she must have a DVD player, so we can watch movies!

–1 Train

Overheard by: nella

And My Mom Already Hates You

Hipster turned emo #1: So, I was thinking that I should just dye my hair black, wear a lot of dark eyeliner, and talk about how much my mom hates me.
Hipster turned emo #2: I think that's a great idea, but you also need to stop representing yourself as a happy individual, and make sure that the black eyeliner has that smudgy look.
Goth fat kid with way too many piercings: Shut the fuck up already. You're wasting my oxygen.

–Union Square

And You Know What Men Say About Girls With Small Fingers

Prudish girl #1: The only good thing about having small fingers is that you can get away with a small rock.
Prudish girl #2: Oh, totally.

–Union Square

Overheard by: Luke

…And You Refused to Ask That Guy for Directions.

Asian girlfriend: Do you know where you're going? Are you gonna get me lost again?
Ghetto Asian boyfriend: I know what I'm doing.
Asian girlfriend: That's what you said when we were in bed.

–St. Mark's Place

Overheard by: Adriana

Have You Been Talking to Dad Again?

Kid: Mom, we've got to buy ourselves some money!
Mom: You don't buy money.
Kid: Then how do you get it?
Mom: You work, then you get paid.
Kid: So that's why we don't have any?

–2nd Ave & Houston St

Overheard by: Sarah McL

Wednesday One-Liners Symbolically Take Back the Power

Black dude to friend: Well, check this out my nigga! Cracking your knuckles does not lead to arthritis… Mythbusters, my nigga!

–Park Slope

Black pimp on cell: That nigger ain't even give you a little nigga baby. All that nigga ever do is just fuck you and leave your ass, bitch. You got a child yoself, take care of your real nigga baby, because that's the nigga who keeps with you. That nigga won't fuck any other sluts. (notices everybody's staring at him) What the fuck y'all niggas lookin at?

–Social Security Office, East Village

Would-be feminist: Pussy don't have no power no more, because if it did, niggas wouldn't be doin' what they do.

–Jefferson Ave & Throop Ave, Brooklyn

Overheard by: Jocasta Spell

Polish woman, walking up to group of ghetto fabs: Yo' wut up, my niggas? (pounds fist with ghetto fab guy)

–Delancy St

Overheard by: Kirkegaard

Crazy black man on phone: When you talk like that I'm gonna call you the N-word! (pause) Don't talk like that! (pause) I want to have sex with you.

–Murray Hill

Wednesday One-Liners for Tara Reid

Girl on cell: I'll adopt it, the state gives you money for retarded kids.

–48th & 6th

Guy to friend, disdainfully: And she's always like, "I work with Down syndrome kids," at… computer camp or some shit.

–4th St & 1st Ave

Overheard by: Shannon

Girl: I think he is sexually retarded.

–5th Ave & 14th St

Overheard by: Abdul Marcos

Glitzed up Jersey girl to friends: I look so good right now, it's retarded.

–Ladies Room, Penn Station

Older man on cell: My dog has one of those retard vests, he can get into any restaurant in New York.

–W 23rd St & 6th Ave

Don't Get Mad. Get Wednesday One-Liner.

Super gay dude to equally gay friend: You can tell she's mad when she starts using adjectives.

–Starbucks, Astor Place

Overheard by: liat

Angry black man to white man standing too close: Fool, whatcha think you're doin? You tryin' to get all up on me? You don't know what I could do. I could bust a cap in yo ass. I'm an angry black man!

–Astor Place

Overheard by: Bex

Black man to Asian woman he's trying to hit on: Why won't you talk to me, baby? You still mad about the Korean war?

–145th & Broadway

Older woman on cell: Trixie, you have to stop kicking things when you get mad!

–40th & Broadway

Overheard by: Sean

Trampy Spanish girl to cranky Spanish guy: Why are you mad? It was just a blowjob, and he's your brother!

–West Village

Overheard by: Stifled A. Guffaw

A Good New York Day Is a Day You Don't Get Someone Else's Poo on You

Girl in bathroom stall: Ohmygodohmygodohmygod!
Girl by sink: What?
Girl in bathroom stall: I just flushed the toilet because there was blue stuff in it and it splashed everywhere! I just saw that there's poo in the blue stuff!
Girl by sink: Gross! Did it get on you?
Girl in bathroom stall: It splashed my butt! Someone else's poo splashed my butt!

–Regal Cinemas, Union Square

So, Technically True…

Tourist dad: Sorry, but where are we right now?
Local: Midgard.
Tourist dad: Thanks! Wait, what?

–Union Square

Overheard by: kabu

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