Guy: If I’m going to swallow sperm it has to be for love. That’s just how I feel, man.
–Outside the Wintergarden Theater
Overheard by: Dawn-Kate
Club-hopper: I don’t like that bar. But it’s a good scene if you want a 700-pound gay Republican sitting on your face.
–Typhoon, 18th & 8th
Overheard by: Sebastian White
Blonde: So, I woke up and Jessica’s underwear was still on my head…
–P.S. 1, Queens
Drunk dude on cell: I want to take the blue panties you left at my place and wear them on my face! … I said I want to wear your blue panties on my face!
–Grand Central
Chick on cell: I do have underwear in my purse in case I need it.
–113th & Broadway
Overheard by: Ladle
Lady to son: Well, it is never appropriate to ask a woman about her undergarments.
–20th & 8th
Hoochie: He offered me 10 dollars for my underwear, but I wouldn’t do it.
–St. Mark’s & 1st
Overheard by: Nina
College student: This is the best Barnes & Noble I've ever seen!
–Borders, Time Warner Center
Student: So, the author of the Tao Te Ching, Lao-low… Fuck it, we're calling him L-train.
–Eugene Lang College
Overheard by: Harker
Large woman with friends: Oh, girl, I got to tell you about this book I'm reading. It's off the hook! They're sending in this undercover agent, and I think it's his sister, but he's all getting ready to have sex with her!
–White Castle, 36th & 8th
Overheard by: Duncan Pflaster
Woman on phone: I was in Union Square, so I stopped in Barnes & Noble. (pause) Nigga, I can read!
–Union Square
Little British boy: Oh my goodness, dad, look! They have books on dating. How to Date? is probably like, "Don't take her to McDonald's!"
–Barnes & Noble
Overheard by: Laura
Tattooed artsy guy, putting hand on artsy Asian girl's shoulder: I read your book and really liked it… lotta pissing, huh?
–Mott & Prince
Woman on cell: And when my brother got near him, his poop came out. That's how scared he was.
–107th & Broadway
Woman on cell: So yeah, they are really scary, like if you walk in the house they will bark really loud, and that's totally worse than them biting you.
–Majestic Theater
Girl on cell: I went in for genetic counseling and I found out things that scared me.
–10th Ave & 39th St
Overheard by: Todd Fletcher
Girl on cell: No, you can't go! I'm too stoned and too scared. Just stay on the phone with me, please.
–Supermarket, Astoria
Conductor: Never fear! The phantom of the train is here!
–7 Train
Overheard by: Alex
Girl: If I made a sex doll that smelled like elk, he would totally do it!
–Queens
Middle-aged Latino: I've got barbie dolls!
–Brooklyn
Overheard by: Confabulation Nation
Newspaper vendor: Cause I have that multiple sneezing thing! I hate that crap! I'm like a bobble-head doll!
–96th St & Madison Ave
Overheard by: Galatea
Girl leaving nail salon: It looks like Malibu Barbie just threw up all over my feet.
–11th St & Broadway
Overheard by: Bill
Despondent little girl in coffee shop: Um, I don't play with the doll house that much because you said we're not supposed to play in the meditation room.
–Carroll Gardens, Brooklyn
Girl on cell: Honey, they zapped my asshole.
–Outside Tribeca Grand Hotel
Girl to friends: There’s this boy in my class, and his name is Ash-oh-lee, but it’s spelled A-S-S-H-O-L-E, with an accent on the E… His mama named him Asshole!
–Bus, between 77th & 76th
Overheard by: It’s a Jersey thing
Queer on cell: Tell him that if his asshole tingles, he’ll know I’m near.
–Franklin & Broadway
Hobo: It doesn’t take a genius to see it. He’s a flaming asshole who needs to be spanked.
–Times Square
Overheard by: i wish i was a tourist sometimes
Man to friend: He’s a fuckin’ asshole… Even in a wheelchair he’s a fuckin’ asshole!
–9th St & 2nd Ave
Chick: Oh, he’s much better than any other guy I’ve dated… He’s not an asshole, he’s not Type A… My only problem with him is that he’s not depressed enough.
–Amore’s Pizza, 14th St
Overheard by: dues
Black guy: Man, Asia and Africa is totally disinterconnected!
–E train
Guy on cell: She has no idea I’ve been on steroids all week!
–City Hall Park
Overheard by: Bria Dunham
Man on cell: Is your vagina swelled to the same degree as my penis is swelled?
–Union Square
Overheard by: SayWhhhaat
40-ish guy on cell: So, did she show you her vagina?
–43rd & 3rd
Black guy on cell: This is why I never beg for pussy!
–Spring St & 6th Ave
Overheard by: Emily B
Girl: My vagina is the Lincoln Tunnel.
–NJ Transit, Penn Station
Overheard by: Jason Kruta
13-year-old boy to teen girl: I mean, the pussy’s good, but it ain’t that good.
–Jamaica-bound E train
Overheard by: Rhonda hearts Queens
Chick on cell: I don’t know why I listened to you. It hurt. A lot. My vagina feels like it’s on fire. I’m never doing that again.
–92nd & 3rd
Young black guy to another: You know, Obama is to politics what Richard Simmons is to exercise.
–PATH Train
Guy standing outside bar: And she was like, "What, like Gary Coleman?" and I'm like, "No, not like fucking Gary Coleman!"
–4th & 10th
Girl to boyfriend: Well, Tom Green only had one testicle. It's totally fine.
–E 11th St
Overheard by: j
Suit on cell: And I was like, "Fuck you, Ryan Cabrera"!
–Bedford & 6th St
Black girl on cell: I told you, we're like the Paris Hiltons of Liberia.
–Borders, Wall St
Overheard by: step
Guy (after taking picture with Jeremy Piven): Damn! I can't put this on MySpace. I'm wearing the same shirt I wore when I met Chazz Palminteri!
–Outside Barrymore Theatre
Overheard by: Pasta…Salad
Girl: I can’t complain because we’re not married — then I can complain all I want.
–Iron Sushi
14-year-old girl to mom: If you had married that other guy I would have been so much taller!
–70th & Lex
Overheard by: Evelyn
Hobo to bystander: You’re gonna marry a woman and not know she’s a government agent? How retarded can you get?!
–Queens-bound V train
Chick: What you’re saying is, he couldn’t afford the wastebasket so he got a wife?
–140th & Broadway
Overheard by: Ladle
20-ish chick on cell: I don’t care! He has chubby fingers… I’m still not going to marry him.
–97th & Broadway
Professor: Will you marry me?! Your father is dead!
–NYU
