Shade-Grown, Slow-Roasted Wednesday One-Liners

Thug to friend: That bitch looked up at me and said, "Damn, your dick tastes like coffee."

–86th St & Lexington

Overheard by: TINA

Female suit to other: Duane Reade is like the Starbucks of drugstores!

–Duane Reade

Old lady with shopping cart, exiting voting booth: Where's my Starbucks coupon?

–PS163, Bath Beach, Brooklyn

Overheard by: Torgo61

Guy on cell: Hey, bro! I'm having coffee and a bagel. (pause) No, an animal did not have to die for me to have this coffee!

–Arthur Avenue

Overheard by: eternal student

Man with heavy Indian accent holding a cup of Starbucks coffee: No, the most expensive coffee in the world is coffee beans eaten and then pooped out by a cat. It's $120 a cup.

–Elevator, 7th Ave & 31st St

Posted on August 24, 2014
All Wednesday One-Liners, Animals & Nature, BJs, Brooklyn, Chelsea & the Meatpacking District, Coffee, Compare/Contrast, Duane Reade, Friends, Gay Man's Best Friend, Guys, India Indians, Junk Food & Fast Food, Men, Money & Class, Nicknames & name calling, Old People, One-liners, Penis, Poop, Questions, School, Sensory Experiences, Shopping, Street, Suits, The Bronx, Thugs, Upper East Side, Wednesday One-Liners, Weirdness, Women

Woo! Check Out That Fiiiine Watering Can!

Guy #1: You ho!
Guy #2: I am nobody's gardening instrument!

–NYU

Posted on August 23, 2014
Guys, Insults, NYU, Weirdness

Translation: “You're the Guy I Pantsed Every Day in Junior High”

Middle aged theater-goer to teenage boy dressed as renaissance page: Are you a part of the performance?
Page boy: Nay, nay. Far from it.
Middle aged theater-goer: What?
Page boy: Nay, nay. Far from it.
Middle aged theater-goer: Then why are you dressed like that?
Page boy: I'm just an eccentric patron.
Middle aged theater-goer: Oh.
Page boy: Someone has to play the part of eccentric patron.
Middle aged theater-goer: Well, good for you. High-five me, if that's not too far out of your century.

–Schubret Theater

Posted on August 23, 2014
Clothing, Men, Questions, Teens, Theater, Weirdness

And Every Cow Has Its Own Udders, Y’know?

Sad, sober friend: I just really miss her, I guess.
Drunk friend: There’s no color the sky can’t be at any given time. Remember that!

–E 11th & 2nd

Posted on August 23, 2014
Advice, Default, Depressed, Drunks, Friends, Relationships, Union Square and East Village, Weirdness

I Won’t Even Let a Stranger Wash My Car

Old lady #1: So, they put you on a slab and the coroner washes your body, like if you were all dirty if you died in an accident.
Old lady #2: They take your clothes off?
Old lady #1: Of course!
Old lady #2: I don’t think I want a strange man looking and washing my cooch!

–Bay Ridge

Posted on August 23, 2014
Brooklyn, Default, Health and Hygiene, Nudity, Offers and requests, Old People, Vagina, Weirdness, Wishes & desires, Women

Guess That Explains the Cloven Hoofs

White girl to boyfriend: I want to go to my father's country one day…I want to go where my father was born…Hades.
Boyfriend: Where?
White girl: Hades, I wanna go to Hades where my father was born…you know, that little island in the Dominican Republic?

–PATH

Posted on August 22, 2014
Boyfriends, Girls, Global Geography, Parents, Questions, Religion, Trains Not Subway, Weirdness, White People, Wishes & desires

I’ll Have What She’s Drinking

Eight-year-old girl drinking margarita: My daddy taught me in kindergarten, if any boys treat me like s-h-i-t, kick them in the dick!
[Five minutes later.]Eight-year-old girl: I’m gonna kill myself!

–Mexican Restaurant near Union Square

Posted on August 22, 2014
Default, Education, Gender issues, Girls, Kick, Kids, Parents, Penis, Psychology, Restaurants & Cafes, Suicide, Union Square and East Village, Weirdness, Words

God Help Those Elderly Laser Fucks

Black woman #1: She thinks we're too old for laser tag!
Black woman #2: Uh-huh.
Black woman #1: I mean, as long as we aren't, like, thirty or something, we're okay.

–Dunkin Donuts, 125th & Lenox

Overheard by: Rich Mintz

Posted on August 22, 2014
Age/Aging, Black People, Gadgets, Harlem & Morningside Heights, Restaurants & Cafes, Weirdness, Women

“Two Girls, One Envelope” Debuts on YouTube

Girl #1: So, we left the bar in a taxi and I had to go to the bathroom real bad.
Girl #2: What did you do?
Girl #1: There was an envelope in the cab, so I used it. Yes that was the time I pooped in an envelope in a taxi!

–2nd Ave Bus

Posted on August 20, 2014
Default, Friends, Girls, Health and Hygiene, On the Bus, Poop, Public Transportation, Weirdness

And on Your Left— Wednesday One-Liners!

Kid to another: And then, when you're 45, we can be tour guides.

–West Village

Overheard by: of bugle be uncouth

Tour guide: This tour will be in English, we have tour pamphlets in several other languages. If you are a non English speaking passenger, this announcement is of no use to you.

–Circle Line Harbor Lights Cruise

Overheard by: Trixie

Overexcited bespectacled tour guide leader to group of uninterested parents: So! That's the great thing, you know, about this school, is that it's not just you. It's the city, and the students, and the people, and the tourists, and… (starts to run out of things to say) the homeless people, and the squirrels… and pigeons! So, you see, it's not ever just you!

–Bobst Library, NYU

Tour guide on bus: Now over here we have Trump Towers. Donald is not in the building today, as he is out of country awaiting the birth of his next wife.

–Trump Towers

Posted on August 20, 2014
About Celebrities, Age/Aging, All Wednesday One-Liners, Animals & Nature, Birds, Bus, Clerks, Cruise Ship, Directions, Homeless, Jobs & Careers, Kids, Language Barrier, Library, Marriage, NYU, On the Bus, One-liners, Parents, Passengers, Pregnancy & Birth Control, School and studying, Tourism, Tourists, Upper West Side & Lincoln Center, Wednesday One-Liners, Weirdness, West Village

Weirdness