Women

Tour guide: If you’re going to be in New York for at least a year, I’d recommend going to an outer borough.

–Bowling Green

Woman, looking at dirty man talking on cell with shirt open: That, that right there, oh, yes, that is sooo New York.

–Worth & Broadway

Overheard by: Half Shirt

Office worker: We’ve lived in New York too long. Instead of saying “ridiculously overpriced” we say “upscale.”

–Office, Carnegie Hall

Overheard by: inge

Crazy man: The subways have names and letters and numbers. They are not colors. Don’t you dare call them by colors. They have names and letters and numbers. The 4 is not the green train; it is the IRT Lexington Avenue Express. The 6 is not the green train; it is the IRT Lexington Avenue Local. An idiot in Brooklyn asks for the orange train at King’s Highway. It is not the orange train. It is the F train. He should be deported to Mars for calling it the orange train! The trains have names and letters and numbers! And you never call 6th Avenue the Avenue of the Americas!

–Uptown R train

Lady, amongst a crowd of women, shoving and stripping to their underwear to try on designer clothes: Oh my God! I am so not New York enough for this!

–Barney’s Warehouse Sale, 17th between 7th & 8th

Overheard by: Dr. Mary

Girl: Being a New Yorker is great. You get to give the finger to everybody and nobody seems to care. I love this city!

–Times Square

Overheard by: Jen

Tourist: These people must love their sandwiches! There are so many Subways here!

–Times Square

Woman #1 (searching for seat in crowded theater): Is this seat taken?
Woman #2: Oh, no sweetie, this one will make your butt cramp up. I keep tryin to sit in it but my leg keeps goin numb! It's such a bad butt cramp seat.
Woman #1: I'll take your word for it.

–Lowes Cinema, 3rd & 11th

Middle-aged Republican lady: Do you have any McCain buttons?
Hippie political button vendor: Only this one (shows her “make war, not love” button). It's about how all Republicans think that wars are the most important thing ever.
Middle-aged Republican lady: So, you don't have any nice McCain buttons?
Hippie political button vendor: Do I look like I have any nice McCain buttons?
Middle-aged Republican lady: (long pause) No.

–Outside Central Park

Overheard by: iz

Woman: It’s difficult to live in New York without money.
Friend: Definitely.
Woman: My biggest regret is not marrying for money when I had the chance.
Friend: Mark?
Woman: Mark, Paul… I had a lot of chances to marry rich. I would have had two kids by now… But, you know, it’s not really all about the money… It’s about the social connections, too.

–6 train

Overheard by:

Middle-Aged woman: I don’t know why everyone is giving Mel Gibson such a hard time. He didn’t kill six million Jews; the Nazis killed six million Jews. And you never hear anyone say anything bad about the Nazis.

–1 train, 110th St

Overheard by: Eli Feldblum

Man: (sneezes)
Woman: Swine flu!

–14th St

Overheard by: moxychique

Elderly woman #1: Don't step in the shit.
Elderly woman #2: I never step in shit, I'm too smart for that.
Elderly woman #1: You're not too smart for that.

–11th St & 1st Ave

Dad: Okay, girls! Now, we’re on a very tight budget — you can get ketchup, mustard, or barbecue sauce.

–Shea Stadium

Overheard by: bill R

Girl: Apparently I ate an entire jar of mustard.

–Bard High School Early College

Overheard by: and didn’t notice?

Hot guy on cell: That’s fine, but I just don’t want to find the television smeared with peanut butter this time…

–96th & CPW

White chick: La Choy is the white trash of soy sauce!

–113th St

Overheard by: Meister E.

Man to hobo: If I had any more butter, I would give it to you, but I don’t because I used it already.

–Howard St

Overheard by: havarthe

Foxy lady, to female dining companion: I could pour ketchup in your cleavage and dip a fry in it… Just dip it in! Why are people staring at us?

–Relish, Williamsburg

Overheard by: Justin Casement

Flight attendant to woman who has just placed her bird on her arm before take off: Ma'am, I'm going to need you to secure that bird before we begin taxiing.
Bird lady: But it is secure. Aren't you, peaches? You like it out here, don't you?
Flight attendant: Please just secure the bird, ma'am.

–Runway, JFK

Overheard by: escaping to vegas

Little boy #1: You are a penis.
Little boy #2: No, you are a penis.
Nanny: Alright, whoever says that again gets a time-out.
Little boy #1: Whoever says penis?
Nanny: Nevermind.

–Bleecker & Mercer