Women

Wednesday One-Liners Double Their Pleasure, Double Their Fun

65-year-old lady, in bikini top and Daisy Duke shorts, with belly hanging over: Of course I am bisexual…can't you see the view?"

–49th St & 7th Ave

Overheard by: NATE MATHIS

Girl to guy: You can't be bisexual and married, John. That's, like, illegal!

–50th b/w 8th & 9th

Australian chic at bar: It's weird though, he reminds me so much of my ex-girlfriend.

–Mexican Restaruant, Lower East Side

Loud girl on cell: No, I did him, it was so good. (pause) Yeah, I fucked her too, she loved it.

–Hillside & Edgerton

Drunk lesbian: Why can't you be a girl or at least have a really big dick?

–Bowery Ballroom

Especially When the Bears Catch You Eating Their Porridge

Jamaican man, talking to himself: At the next stop I'm going to be white with blue eyes and blond hair.
Trashy, red-lipsticked middle-aged white woman with blue eyes and blonde hair: I can tell you from experience it's not all that.

–Downtown N Train

Overheard by: veronica

California's Almost Far Enough

Hippie woman: Ma'am, what did you just feed my dog?
Elderly woman: A treat.
Hippie woman: What was it? Was it meat?
Elderly woman: Well, not really, it was a sausage.
Hippie woman: What is wrong with you?! My dog is a vegetarian! What if he had a food allergy?!
Elderly woman: Right. Go away.

–Thompson Square Park Dog Run

Overheard by: Klayton

Getting Shot at Did It to Me

Woman to army guy: I believe in the benefit of the doubt.
Army guy: I believe in doubting the benefit.

–Penn Station

Overheard by: jennifer tobias

And I Do

Woman: I like butts. I don't have no butt fetish!
Male friend: You're always saying “kiss my butt”!

–39 th St & Broadway

At This Point They Both Exploded

Lady patient: Yeah, I always hear them calling my name to go back to my room, but I don’t ever go.
Guy patient: That’s cool. I should do that, too.

–NYU Medical Center, 1st Avenue

Wednesday One-Liners Are So Nouveau Riche

Female shopper to Bloomingdale's cologne sprayer: Don't you dare spray your $30 over my $150.

–Perfume Aisle, Bloomingdale's

Old lady on cell: I mean, it's just five million…

–Madison & 77th St

Very rich mom to new nanny, about baby in stroller: Okay, well, she loves sushi, and…

–Upper East Side

Rich teen: I asked my mom to go to Louis Vuitton with me this weekend and she was like, "we're in a recession, let's go to Dolce."

–42nd St

Overheard by: I want a m6

Label-whore eating grapes and cheese, to friend: Oh my god, I feel so rich when I eat this stuff… Oh, wait, I am.

–Paul's Cafe

Nine Times Out of Ten They'll Guess Idaho

Middle aged white woman: You know, if you're not communicating with someone you can't just stick a potato up their ass and expect them to know where you're coming from.
Middle aged ponytail guy: True, true.

–Broadway Station Bar, Astoria

Birthday One-Liners

20-something guy on cell: My girlfriend's birthday is tomorrow. (pause) I don't know. Maybe a bong.

–Penn Station

Overheard by: Steve Popovich

Girl to friend: I just wanted to hook up with him because we had the same birthday.

–8th St & 5th Ave

Rent cast member (shouting over shoulder): I turn 34 on Friday, I'm old but at least I made it past Jesus.

–Nederlander Theatre

Woman arguing loudly with her mother in the laundromat: My 30th birthday is gonna be ruined if we don't go to the wax museum!

–4th Ave & 14th St, Brooklyn

Guy handing out New York Post: Grab your free copy of New York Post, it's free, it's free! Oh, and happy birthday to me today, thank you very much for remembering it! Oh, what a lovely day…

–42nd & Madison

Overheard by: Eve

My Sister's Roommate's Cousin Knows Wednesday One-Liner's Agent

Young thug in crooked baseball hat to female friend: No, everyone should have the right to love Tom Cruise.

–41st & Lexington

40-something Midwest tourist to 40-something friends: Yeah, this is where Miley Cyrus was staying. (points to Sheraton hotel, friends gasp in excitement)

–53rd & 7th

Tourist son to mom: Let's go to the park and watch Jerry Seinfeld play softball.

–67th & Central Park West

Overheard by: Q

Random guy outside on corner: Yo, I just saw Phil Donahue. I just saw him walking down the street… (starts to sing in Cops theme song style) Whatchu gonna do when Phil Donahue comes for you? (pause) Yo, Phil Donahue is a crazy motherfucker!

–Astoria Boulevard, Queens

Girl on cell: Yeah, but I tower over him when I wear heels…and I'm not exactly sure if I'm ready to be Katie Holmes to his Tom Cruise.

–33rd & Broadway

Woman: Everywhere I go, I see either someone I know or a celebrity!

–69th & Columbus

Little boy to mother: Oooh…I thought Malcolm X was a singer.

–Flatbush & Beekman

Overheard by: Chelsea

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