Wednesday One-Liners Could Pinch Hit for William Safire

Wardrobe consultant chick: Hey Jorge*, el foodo is here! Wait a minute, what’s the word again?

–Men’s Wearhouse, 34th & 5th

Overheard by: erak

Tourist woman on cell: That’s not even the right thing to say to somebody in a fight. A "punk" is from the 50s. It’s like a tough guy or a street guy.

–56th & 5th

Woman on cell: You know what pull my finger means? Well you better start pulling your finger. Pull it 24/7.

–12th & 1st

Guy: Korean words don’t end in vowels, you fuckhead. Except for "Korea"… and "Hyundai".

–Chelsea Market

Yuppie dad lecturing two school-age sons: Last week, this girl in my class said that something just sucked and I told her, "You know, when you’re in English class, vocabulary is cool, and it’s better to say that something is disappointing instead of saying that it sucks."

–Tip-Top Shoes, W 72nd St

Overheard by: Susan Volchok

Man on cell: Do you know what trifling means?? No! It does NOT mean truffle-making!

–17th & 6th

Overheard by: Thirsty Violet

Guy, passing "La Bagel Delight": That means "The Bagel Delight" in
French!

–7th Ave, Park Slope

Posted on June 5, 2015
Advice, All Wednesday One-Liners, Education, Food, Global Geography, Gripes, History & Geography, Language Barrier, Languages, Questions, School and studying, Time, Wednesday One-Liners, Wednesday One-Liners Vary, Words

Especially One Who Owns Penn Station

Old Chinese lady: No luggage allowed. Leave it outside. This is my building! I own it!
(College kid, obviously from out of town, leaves in fear)
Old Chinese lady: Puta!
(college kid scurries away)
College kid on cell: Yeah, I did what they say on Law & Order. Never make eye contact with a New Yorker.

–Penn Station Entrance

Overheard by: kash

Posted on June 3, 2015
Advice, Chinese, Default, Frat Boys, Insults, Offers and requests, Old People, On Cell, Only in New York, Penn Station, TV, Weirdness, Women

It’s Official: Dark Sarcasm is Over

Industrial guy: Do you guys like noise?
Hipster guy #1: Um…no, I’m really into organized sound.
Hipster guy #2: Yeah, I’m really getting into silence…like that.

–Astoria

Overheard by: Jeremy Valeda

Hipster guy #1: I’m trying to get a caffeine buzz going.
Hipster guy #2: Why don’t you just think about the impending blackness that will eventually envelope us all…That should keep you awake.

–Knitting Factory, Leonard Street

Posted on June 3, 2015
Advice, Coffee, Comebacks, Music, Philosophy, Wednesday One-Liners, Wednesday One-Liners Vary

Once You Commit to a Woman, Her Warranty Expires

Goofy guy, trying and failing to pick up a stranger: The thing is, I had a big fight with my girlfriend this morning.
Woman (about to get off bus): Oh, sorry. That's never easy…my advice to you is, reconcile.
Goofy guy: Yeah, well, but she's a little bipolar.

–Westbound 57 Bus

Overheard by: Susan Volchok

Posted on June 3, 2015
Advice, Fighting and ass kicking, Guys, On the Bus, Pick-up Lines, Psychology, Relationships, Women

Wednesday-One-Liners Gotta Fight for Their Right

Frat boy on cell: Call me when you get done with your fondue party. I don’t care if it wasn’t your idea. That doesn’t make it right!

–12th St & 5th Ave

Geeky Columbia freshman: Yeah, we held a Sexyback Party… You know, it was themed like Justin Timberlake. It was a pretty cool concept.

–Downtown 1 Train

Overheard by: pumpkin

College chick: Any party that you have to lube up your hand to get into just isn’t worth it.

–Christopher St

Bimbette: Because, really, what good is throwing a porn party if you can’t get drunk enough to disregard your butt?

–Harlem

Overheard by: Argopelter

Posted on June 2, 2015
Advice, All Wednesday One-Liners, Ass, Celebrations/Parties, Drinking & Drunk People, Food, Porn, Sex, Wednesday One-Liners, Wednesday One-Liners Vary

Wednesday One-Liners for Stephen Colbert

Suit on phone: The dream was strange…we are in a library …I say something like "it's a liability." Then you said "your mom's a liability." That was it…I don't know.

–Gramercy Park

Overheard by: POLA

Young suit to another: The world is not your oyster!

–Bryant Park

Overheard by: Amy

Suit to another, as 30-something woman in skirt and high heels passes by: Yowza! And that ends our case study!

–Madison Ave & 40th St

Overheard by: Casey

Stressed female suit: No one gives a fuck anymore. Everyone's just gonna do what they want. And any further complaints can be directed to my ass.

–University St b/w 8th & Waverly

Middle-aged Asian man in three-piece suit on cell: I mean, how can I live like Bond if I'm married?

–46th St & Madison Ave

Overheard by: dr. no, i dont do

20-something female suit on cell: Baby, I would love to go to dinner, but you have two options: dinner or sex. I only have time for one.

–27th St & Park Ave

Posted on June 1, 2015
Advice, All Wednesday One-Liners, Animals & Nature, Asians, Ass, Bryant Park, Dreams, Family Ties, Insults, Marriage, Midtown & Hell's Kitchen, Movies, Murray Hill and Gramercy, On Cell, One-liners, Parks, Pick-up Lines, Questions, Sex, Street, Suits, Time, Wednesday One-Liners, Weirdness, West Village

She Can’t Afford Not To

Hippie #1: Girl, I think it might be beneficial for me to go to therapy.
Hippie #2: Oh, you should go to the girl my friend uses — it’s only 20 bucks a session!
Hippie #1: Then why does she still cut herself?

–E 60th & Madison

Posted on May 29, 2015
Advice, Comebacks, Girls, Hippies, Money & Class, Psychology, Questions, Upper West Side & Lincoln Center

The People's Republic of Wednesday One-Liners

Wasp woman, looking at Asian Peoples exhibit: Oh, honey, look, that woman looks just like that woman at that Chinese food place we like!

–Museum of Natrual History

Overheard by: Heather

Older man to Chinese friend: You know, Caucasians really can't tell the difference between the Asians and the Chinese.

–23rd St b/w 5th & 6th Ave

Overheard by: James

Burly bouncer to burnt-out groupie: Don't think of it as a finger, think of it as an Asian penis.

–11th & 3rd

Tourist on cell: I think I'm heading towards Little Italy, but all I see are Chinese people. I feel like fuckin' Marco Polo. Fuck man, where are you? (trips on curb and falls into pile of trash bags)

–Canal St

Giggling 20-something: So we hired a new intern, and she's Asian!

–Murray Hill

Overheard by: sab

Posted on May 27, 2015
Advice, Asians, Biotechs, Body Parts, Bouncers, Brooklyn, Chelsea & the Meatpacking District, Chinatown, Chinese, Compare/Contrast, Ethnic Food, Friends, History & Geography, Insults, Laughter, Museum of Natural History, NYC Geography, Old People, On Cell, One-liners, Penis, Physical appearance, Race, Street, Stupidity, Tourists, Union Square and East Village, Wednesday One-Liners, Women

Wednesday One-Liners Ignore the Bloody Hand

Little old lady to little old hubby: Fuck you, Dick, I am not crossing against the light! I can’t do it. Fuck you!

–Houston & LaGuardia

Overheard by: Almost peed on myself from laughing

Little tourist to mom: We are jaywalking, yay!

–Outside Sak’s

Overheard by: also jaywalking

Guy on cell: … So it’s fucked up, nights in the city. Everyone jaywalks, and they all wear black… Shit, good point! Blacks! … Yeah, you get a black guy wearing black, jaywalking — that’s a perfect storm of trouble! … I dunno, but I bet it has something to do with why insurance is so high…

–Broadway & Bleecker

Two guys cross street on ‘Don’t walk’ signal as car is coming.

Traffic cop: Hit ’em! Hit ’em!

–35th & 5th

Overheard by: mike

Loud grandma tourist blocking crosswalk: What’s the matter with these people?! Why are they crossing the street? Can’t they see the ‘No crossing’ sign? Where do they think they’re going?

–Times Square

Tourist woman to crowd of pedestrians: No, don’t cross! Here comes the big red hand!

–51st & 5th

Overheard by: Micaela

Posted on May 27, 2015
Advice, All Wednesday One-Liners, Cars and Driving, Clothing, Cops, Crime and Punishment, Gripes, Insults, Money & Class, Names, Race, Stupidity, Wednesday One-Liners, Wednesday One-Liners Vary

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