All Wednesday One-Liners

High Colonic Wednesday One-Liners

Scruffy man to scruffy friend: … And then I stuck my thumb up her ass for some grip. Like a bowling ball!

–34th & 6th

Overheard by: Jared

Male student to two friends: No, they literally put it in your ass!

–51st & Broadway

Overheard by: tin steve

Bilingual hipster skank on cell: … So I was like, ‘I don’t care if it is my shit — you were the one who wanted to order the flan and you were the one who wanted to put it up where it doesn’t belong! Exit only! Flan exit only! No entrada por nada!’ … No, we just slept on the floor and left it all for housekeeping…

–Lobby of W Hotel, Union Square

Train announcer: In the rear, if it won’t fit, don’t force it.

–2 train, 72nd St

Overheard by: Brett

Gay man in kitchen: There’s absolutely nothing gay about me other than the cooking and the cleaning, and the taking it up the ass.

–207th St, Woodlawn, Bronx

Thug: Baby… C’mon… Take that thing out of your butt and we’ll talk when I get back.

–Hoboken PATH Station

Overheard by: Seph

Guido: You take it in the ass! You’re a 24-hour ass-taker-inner!

–Prospect Park

Overheard by: Patrick Di Justo

Wednesday One-Liners, the Shepherds of New York

Conductor: This is the last stop — Brooklyn Bridge, City Hall. Y’all have a nice day and be good, now… But if you can’t be good, be baaad.

–6 train

Overheard by: Paul Schroeder

Conductor: Good morning, everybody. This is your 7:15 New Haven train, express to Greenwich. To infinity, and beyond!

–Connecticut-bound Metro-North train

MTA worker: This station is now closed. No train is coming here. You all have to get out of here!

–8th St N/Q/R/W station

Overheard by: bKSquared+AV

Conductor: Ladies and gentlemen, please remember that every car of this train has four doors, so 27 people in front of one door — well, it is not scholarship material. Let’s use our brains, people. Then you won’t have to bump your guns and complain that the A is never on time.

–A train, 96th St

Overheard by: Emily B.

Conductor: Attention passengers, the last two cars will not platform at Bellerose, either. That means if the doors didn’t open for you at the last station, they won’t open at Bellerose, either, so stop standing looking confused, and walk forward!

–Hempstead-bound LIRR

Overheard by: Nathalie

Conductor: For those of you standing in the first five cars, the back three cars are almost empty. Come sit down! I’m lonely back here.

–Metro-North

Conductor: And now… the mass exodus!

–F train

Overheard by: da sarkastik ninja.

Wednesday One-Liners Rent Bronx Butt-Sluts

Hipster: And I was like, ‘Okay, well, here’s some advice for you, then: Why don’t you peel a banana and shove it up your ass?’

–Bedford Ave

Sassy black girl: Man, I love anal sex! That shit puts me to sleep!

–Manhattan Mall

Overheard by: Auston McLain

Girl to guy: I am not shoving anything in your hole!

–LIRR

Overheard by: mish

Middle-aged man: Now I want you to take your dick out and fuck him in the ass.

–5th Ave & Union

Overheard by: Stephen

Woman on cell: You tell him he better pay for it. I better get his money. He needs a dick up the ass, that’s what he needs. A fucking dick up the ass. ‘Cause I got it. I got it all. So he better fucking pay for it.

–Restroom, JFK

Overheard by: colette

Angry man to friend: Well, fuck you up the ass! You just don’t understand religion!

–Empire State Building, 34th & 5th

Overheard by: Wendy Booz

Wombsday One-Liners

Woman holding large ice cream, to man: You don’t know what it’s like to menstruate! You have no idea!

–Lafeyette & Astor Pl

Overheard by: I have some idea

Newspaper guy: It’s just like when I was selling tampons to Alicia Silverstone. I was like, ‘Is this my life?’

–34th & Broadway

Chick to friends: I think my mom is going through menopause. She wants to move to Colorado.

–St. John’s University, Queens

Biotech to friend: Stop doing the tampon dance and let’s get out of here already.

–Duane Reade

Well-dressed Indian man shouting at woman: You don’t need no fucking tampons! Tampax — that’s a tampon! Tampax is the fucking mafia!

–2 train

Overheard by: Still Confused

Wednesday One-liners: What Not to Wear

Woman: Either he’s a jogger or he’s homeless.

–Union Square

Overheard by: David Alcorn

Wednesday One-Liners Will Do Anything but Kiss on the Mouth

Woman: Yeah, but just because you can play a dying crackwhore in Rent, that doesn’t mean that you can play a dying crackwhore in Les Mis — they’re two different kinds of whores!

–Broadhurst Theatre

Columbia chick: Yeah, I’d be the Mother Theresa of prostitutes.

–Columbia University

Couple arguing on the street: You want to talk about the truth, fine — let’s talk about the truth! What about that time I found you upstairs in our apartment smoking crack with that prostitute?

–2nd Ave & E 5th St

Overheard by: Awestruck Iowan

Girl: Well, of course I’m mad… She’s taking my pimp from me!

–Mall

Announcer: There is a ‘B’-as-in-‘brothel’ train approaching the station.

–59th St, Columbus Circle Station

Overheard by: Jennifer

Chick on cell: I think we’re all hypothetical hookers, to some extent.

–Harlem

Overheard by: McF

Wednesday One-Liners Have a View to a Kill

God freak: The Christians are praying and not killing. The Christians only kill once in two thousand years, or maybe a thousand years. Three hundred years. God will forgive you for killing a hundred men, but he will kill you because of the radio.

–R train

Chick on cell: You murdered him? Oh… you didn’t. Well that’s good. It would have been bad for your image.

–Central Park

Overheard by: Laura

Dude: Yo, don’t be so angry while I kill everyone.

–GWB Terminal, 175th St

Bean-Lover: And I said, “Yo, bitch, I kill you for a can o’ pinto beans.”

–10th St & 1st Ave

B&T girl: I want that exact kind of relationship. Except for, like, the whole mass murdering thing.

–Knitting Factory, Leonard St

Professor: Why kill yourself when you can just steal someone else’s idea?

–Hunter College

Overheard by: acep & arielle

Woman on cell: Do you know how many executions I’ve been to over the last year?…5.

–Central Park

Overheard by: MC

Who Put the Bomp in the Wednesday One-Liners?

Blind panhandler, singing: Amazing grace, how sweet the sound that saved a wretch like me. I once was lost but now I’m found, was blind but now I see… If you want my body and you think I’m sexy, come on, honey, let me know…

–N train

Overheard by: Dan McInerney

Hispanic man singing loudly to tune of ‘Yellow Submarine’: We all live in your mother’s dungarees, your mother’s dungarees, your mother’s dungarees…

–35th St & 7th Ave

Overheard by: CCF

Hobo singing to himself: I want to eat pussy, I want to eat pussy.

–Hudson & Christopher

Overheard by: Someone in a Tree

Street corner freestyler: You can’t send me back like Elian, what the hellian?

–Washington Square

Four-year-old, singing: We in the bed like, ‘Oooh, oooh, oooh, like oooh, oooh, oooh!’

–1 train, 116th St stop

Conductor, rapping: If you hold the doors while the train’s in the station, we will be delayed getting to our destination, and you will find yourself in a situation.

–A train

Overheard by: Ladle

Wednesday One-Liners Publish or Perish

Professor: I’m gonna show you a little old insertion trick that my grandmother taught me. It works great.

–Columbia University

Overheard by: wba2101

Professor: Everyone is here except the person who is not here.

–City College

Overheard by: ClaRity

Latin professor: So, what Tibullus is trying to say is that old women have to be in the beauty parlor a lot! Beauty doesn’t come as easily as when you’re 18 and always looking great… Well, I suppose that’s not exactly true. As I look around the room, I see that sometimes you girls could use some work in the mornings.

–Fordham University, Lincoln Center

Overheard by: Kate Melvin

Professor: My wife has many male friends… I don’t ask questions.

–NYU

Law professor: It’s possible… Just like it’s possible I’ll get raptured at any minute.

–NYU Law School

Wednesday One-Liners over the Intercom

Subway conductor: It ain’t so bad. Better than going to the gas station.

–very crowded L train

Overheard by: Philip

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