All Wednesday One-Liners

Wednesday One-Liners for Celebretards

Young black guy to another: You know, Obama is to politics what Richard Simmons is to exercise.

–PATH Train

Guy standing outside bar: And she was like, "What, like Gary Coleman?" and I'm like, "No, not like fucking Gary Coleman!"

–4th & 10th

Girl to boyfriend: Well, Tom Green only had one testicle. It's totally fine.

–E 11th St

Overheard by: j

Suit on cell: And I was like, "Fuck you, Ryan Cabrera"!

–Bedford & 6th St

Black girl on cell: I told you, we're like the Paris Hiltons of Liberia.

–Borders, Wall St

Overheard by: step

Guy (after taking picture with Jeremy Piven): Damn! I can't put this on MySpace. I'm wearing the same shirt I wore when I met Chazz Palminteri!

–Outside Barrymore Theatre

Overheard by: Pasta…Salad

Wednesday One-Liners Are the Fourth Sacrament

Girl: I can’t complain because we’re not married — then I can complain all I want.

–Iron Sushi

14-year-old girl to mom: If you had married that other guy I would have been so much taller!

–70th & Lex

Overheard by: Evelyn

Hobo to bystander: You’re gonna marry a woman and not know she’s a government agent? How retarded can you get?!

–Queens-bound V train

Chick: What you’re saying is, he couldn’t afford the wastebasket so he got a wife?

–140th & Broadway

Overheard by: Ladle

20-ish chick on cell: I don’t care! He has chubby fingers… I’m still not going to marry him.

–97th & Broadway

Professor: Will you marry me?! Your father is dead!

–NYU

Wednesday, with a One-Liner Chaser

Female day-drinking tourist: Oh shit, I left my vodka in the church!

–Outside Trinity Church

Man on cell: If it's possible to ferment it, we have fermented it.

–7th St b/w 2nd & 3rd Ave

Middle-aged man to younger man: You know how cats and dogs–they eat and then they go? In one end and out the other. I'm like that. My bladder has room for the equivalent of one good cocktail.

–10th Ave and W 50th St

Overheard by: Ah….middle age

Commuter at 8 am: Beer. Beer.

–Grand Central

Overheard by: baconista

Old drunk walking into a liquor store, to clerk: Have you got my prescription?

–Broadway & 106th St

Overheard by: rickbruner

Wednesday One-Liners Know How to Read, but Not Why

Teen girl to mom: Here, this is what you need [points to Sex for Dummies book].

–Barnes & Noble, Union Square

Girl: I read all of the gossip magazines, but I should probably read the Wall Street Times.

–Chelsea Piers

Bimbette: Like, why would you stay home and read when there’s so much other stuffs to do?

–89th & 3rd

Overheard by: Ben A

Chick: Do you have Dante’s Inferno? I don’t know the author…

–Strand Bookstore

Dude on cell: Yeah, I’m just buying a book ’cause I got bored. Then I’m going back to finish my Bloody Mary.

–Burgen & Flatbush

Misspoken Wednesday One-liners

German: Why those birds suddenly appear? Every time! In the mirror!

–Williamsburg

Overheard by: Greg Rutter

Wife: Ooh, look, honey, they’ve got that Le Courvoisier chair!

–MoMa

Wednesday One-Liners for Kings County

Scholar: Brooklyn is the Paris of New York.

–Grand Army Plaza Station, Brooklyn

Overheard by: ivel

Crazy: Fuck Brooklyn! I can pay for Brooklyn on any other day. Yes, that’s right — I’m a black man, and I am not going to Brooklyn. What do you know about that! And you, you’re a Jew. I’ll still pray for you. Wherever we end up, I’ll still pray for you. Fuck all you people. Except you, Jew. I love you.

–L train from 6th Ave to 3rd Ave

Overheard by: Nash Astor

Girl: I just don’t like living in Brooklyn. My place is, like, four whole blocks away from Dunkin’ Donuts.

–Tenacious D album signing, Virgin Megastore

Guy: Sobriety is my back, I am the camel, and Brooklyn is the straw.

–A/C/E subway platform, Lower West Side

Overheard by: Magaret

Lady: I like the brown eggs more than the white. Well, I have 12 at home in my fridge — it’s like Brooklyn in there.

–15th St & Union Square West

Wednesday One-Liners Are a Real Page-Turner

Woman: He read a book on fisting, and now he wants to share it with his class.

–L train

Dude: They should have made Beowulf into a book — they would have made a lot more money.

–34th & 8th

Overheard by: LetheaBu

Girl: It used to be the only reason I liked Anna Quindlen was ’cause she was blind. Now it’s like, ‘Dude, she can read?!’

–Barnard College

NYU bimbette to studious friend: Your problem is that you read for all your classes. Sobriety and scholarly. Those are your problems.

–Starbucks, W 4th St

Overheard by: wine girl

Nine-year-old girl: I forgot my book, and I was supposed to do a report on it! Now what am I going to do?! I’m so senile.

–JFK

Overheard by: mr itchie

Book-hawking hobo: … And this is my new book, ‘If You Don’t Beat Your Children, They’ll End Up Like Me’!

–6 train

Overheard by: Zarek

Home Is Where You Hang Your Wednesday One-Liners

Saleswoman to customer on busy day: Some days you really should just stay at home. You’re cranky.

–Macy’s, Herald Square

Loud black lady on cell: Mothafuckah, I ain’t no one-night stand. If you think you can fuckin’ call me at 10:30 to 11:00 at night and fuckin’ pull me out of my home with my kids, then you must think I’m some other… [whispers] bitch.

–Mail room, Financial District

Woman on cell: Good, that way she won’t be able to beat on anyone else’s house guests! Let her sit at home and beat on her own house guests!

–M14 bus

Overheard by: Eyeteeth

Conductor: Jessica! Jessica! Girl, you on this train. Jessica Elizabeth! I’m taking you home, girl.

–6 train

Overheard by: fridaholic

There's No Crying in Wednesday One-Liners!

Conductor: This is Willets Point/Shea Stadium. You know, home of the other team. (passengers laugh) You may laugh, but we all know no one really likes the Mets. Anyhoo, have a nice day, everyone. Stand clear of the closing doors.

–7 Train

Overheard by: Kristen

20-something guy wearing Red Sox hat to girlfriend: There's no way we can have kids in New York. They'd be going to school with a bunch of brainwashed Yankee fan offspring, and every night we'd have to be telling them bedtime stories that end with "and they all lived happily every after, except for Derek Jeter, because he's a fuckin' asshole."

–1 Train

Young woman on cell: I'm from New York, but live in Boston, but want to move back to New York… It's hard being a Yankees fan surrounded by fucking Red Sox fans. I can't do it anymore.

–L Train

Overheard by: I agree…

Subway conductor: Yankees fans. This is a Bronx-bound express D. This will not stop at Yankee stadium. Transfer at the next station to the B. (20 minutes later) Yankees fans. I promise you this train will not stop at Yankee stadium. You can transfer to the B at the next station. Or you could just not go to the game. The choice is yours.

–D Train

20-something mother to another, trying hard to look knowledgeable: The Yankees and Mets are playing two games today, the first at Yankee stadium and the second at Fenway, where the Mets play.

–Barnes & Noble Cafe

Woman in Jesus t-shirt: Jesus hates the Yankees.

–Uptown C Train

Overheard by: Penny

Conductor to packed train: Attention, attention passengers. To all Yankee fans on this train, please have a safe day today, and enjoy the game. Personally, I am a Red Sox fan. That is all.

–Uptown 4 Train

At Least Wednesday One-Liners Are Pretty

Girl to friend: I wonder what’s the difference between hard tacos and soft tacos.

–Line at Taco Bell, Queens Mall Food Court

Overheard by: NTA

Guy talking to his friend: I don’t believe there is a first time for everything, but I do think there is a first time for anything.

–2nd St & Ave B

Overheard by: Max Berlinger

Girl on cell in hallway: She told me to get bacterial soap.

–Fordham University, Rose Hill

Overheard by: Krisztina ,who uses anti-bacterial

Subway comedian: My wife is so stupid. I told her to take the 2 train, she took the 1 twice. [Awkward silence follows. Comedian proceeds to dance around a subway pole pretending to be a stripper.]

–1 Train

Overheard by: Subway rider

Guy on cell: Dude, you’ve got to stop doing this "living paycheck to paycheck" thing because every time you get a check it’s like an emotional highway.

–Columbia University Campus

Overheard by: Alina

College girl, after closing a Nutella jar: I solved it! I solved the puzzle!

–Broome St

Overheard by: YJL

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